May 22, 2013

Atomic Shortstop

Nomar Garciaparra, 2000 Upper Deck/Ionix

Hey, do you guys like science? ME TOO. Science and baseball go hand in hand because you can't play baseball without science, and you can't do science without baseball, maybe, whatever.

Take Nomar Garciaparra, for example. Think he has science in his body? Dude is ATOMIC. Atomic is defined by the Internet as "of or relating to an atom or atoms." Look at all the atoms in and around Nomar Garciaparra! When he swings the bat all of his atoms or molecules or whatever go crazy, swirling all around in what scientists describe as "swirly patterns."

All of those atoms are what enabled Nomar Garciaparra to hit .357 in 1999. I know - that was a lot of numbers. This can get confusing. How about a chart? Here is a science chart:

Notice how Nomar Garciaparra's batting average (left side) increased from 96 (abbreviation for "1996") to 99 (bottom). To what can we attribute this increase in batting average? Let's ask this scientician:

Scientician: Uhhh

More atoms. Nothing else except more atoms. Other baseball players who didn't have as many atoms were unable to hit the ball into fair territory without making an out as often as Nomar Garciaparra. But how do you get more atoms? Great question. By eating vegetables and working hard and having good chemistry (science) with your teammates and listening to instructions and having regular bowel movements.

If you're wondering how this card got so sciency, rest assured it was produced by "Ionix," the most science-sounding name in all of baseball cards. In fact, let's reference Ionix's "Periodic Chart of Players," which is a thing, I guess:

I am embarrassed to say that before I knew this was Ionix's Periodic Chart of Players, I looked online at the Periodic Table of Elements so I could find "Nr" and make fun of whatever metal or gas this card had associated with baseball player Nomar Garciparra. But when I couldn't find it I realized this was custom-made for Nomar Garciaparra, and I became so excited that my body was instantly surrounded by several swirly patterns of atomic joy. Then I passed out. Then I came to and, after hours of science, produced the following formula:

"N" = "N" in "Nomar"
"r" = "r" in "Nomar"
5 = Nomar Garciaparra's jersey number
.357 = Nomar Garciaparra's batting average

I realize it just got mad nerdy up in this joint, but hey, what can I tell you - I minored in science. Thanks everybody for dropping by for today's lesson. Next week we are going to build a homemade volcano with Phil Nevin and find out if Heathcliff Slocumb's bread ever got moldy. Keep it real, and don't forget to #dropscience.


Bill said...

...Then all the atomic glory fell apart for Nomar in 2003 when he was named in the Einstein Report.

troy said...

OMG. Pathetic. I cannot BELIEVE you are still jealous that Nomar's period number is higher than Jeter's (2). As, of course, was his BA ... #ididitforhtelulz

mkenny59 said...

Yeah well, in the Period Chart of Players, the lower number is better, like in golf, DOOFUS, duh #duh Maybe pay attention in science class next time #duh

mkenny59 said...

*Periodic Chart* Pretty sure baseball players don't get their periods.

troy said...

Ha ha I did that too. We are dummies.

I sucked at science.