Will Clark, Starbrite Superstar

 

Will Clark, Starbrite Superstars, Year unknown

I'm very much a less is more type of person. I guess it's just that I have what some people might call "taste." I don't need any bells and whistles or distractions in life or on my baseball cards. When I actively collected, I was always drawn to cards where the picture of the player was the focus. The less stupid crap that was on the card, the better, which is why -- like many -- I was mildly obsessed with Upper Deck and Stadium Club ... before, ya' know, discovering boobs. But at card shows I would find these strange cards that were the most no-frills cards I had ever seen, and I loved them with all my heart. It was as if the makers of these cards refused to insult my intelligence. Here is Will Clark. His name is Will Clark. You know the rest. Enjoy.

Now, as few frills as I desired on the front, I did have a great appreciation for the statistical information on the back. Aside from newspaper box scores and watching the actual games, the backs of baseball cards were how I learned about players back in the diz-ay. Unfortunately, in that regard, these splendid picture cards had little to offer.

Person 1: What should we call our company?

Person2: "Company," ha!

Person1: Lol!

Person2: Wipes tear.

Person1: Seriously though.

Person2: I've always liked stars, and the sun. I enjoy their brightness. The sun is a star, technically.

Person1: Sometimes in baseball they call the better players "superstars." I feel like we could mesh these two concepts. How about: "Bright Stars of Ball Stars Super Company, LTD?"

Person2: Eh. I think we should shorten it. I'm envisioning it wrapping around the semi-circle of a rising sun, which is technically a sta-

Person1: I know dude. I went to school, too. How about "Starbrite Superstars?"

Person2: Passes out.

Person2: Wakes up. I almost just died that name is so perfect. Do we know any graphic artists?

Person1: My nephew once drew a picture.

Person2: Let's brainstorm.

Person1: We know what stars and the sun look like. The sun's rays can easily be represented with simple lines.

Person2: You know a lot about art.

Person1: Thanks. But what objects represent baseball?

Person2: How about baseballs? And a bat maybe. A baseball bat.

Person1: What about gloves?

Person2: I don't think they use gloves anymore.

Person1: Should we put a bird on it?

Person2: No.

Person1: How many "superstars" are there in baseball?

Person2: I don't watch much baseball, but: 21.

Person1: We have a lot of work to do.

Cereal Thrilla

Will Clark, 1989 Topps Cap’n Crunch

The common misconception of Cap’n Crunch is that he only knows about seafaring and things that are crunchy. To those who abide by such thinking, I implore you—don’t put Cap’n Crunch in a box. Because the thing is, Cap’n Crunch knows a lot about other stuff, too, like wine, exotic (land) species, Greek architecture, indie music, and things of that ilk. He is also pretty dang familiar with our country’s national pastime. Truth be told, Cap’n Crunch is the George Will of cereal captains.

Speaking of Wills, how about Will Clark? Many people who enjoy baseball were unfamiliar with Will Clark until Cap’n Crunch featured him on a set of baseball cards in 1989. The Cap’n, Topps, and Clark himself, however, put forth a rather curious concerted collaborative effort to make Clark appear as less a baseball player than a pedophile.

Perhaps as an homage to Cap’n Crunch himself, Clark decided to grow a mustache that I have never before seen on any other of his baseball cards. This is indeed a rare occurrence of Will Clark facial hair, and has in itself raised the value of this card to a whopping .5 Euros. To boot, Topps stripped Clark of the San Francisco Giants symbol often seen on San Francisco Giants hats, so as to abide by Section IV, Rule 34.8 of the Major League Baseball Handbook, which explicitly states: “Any player featured on a breakfast cereal-sponsored piece of cardboard shall represent his current franchise in text only and not via graphic symbols, which may falsely infer that said player is affiliated with said team. Failure to meet this criteria will result in up to eight years in federal prison for all involved parties, cartoon and/or human.” It’s unknown whether Clark, in this particular shot, is on a ball field or in front of an old, rusted, windowless van offering free candy to passersby. All we really know is that he plays first base, or is at least trying to get there.



Belted Home Run with his first swing in pro ball for Fresno vs. Visalia, June 21, 1985.
Belted Home Run with his first swing as big leaguer, at Houston Astrodome, April 8, 1986.

That is interesting—the type of stuff back-of-cards were born to reveal. Equally interesting, although not mentioned here, is that Will’s middle name is “Nuschler,” which is like, “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?” Ha, ha … Nuschler.

What else ya’ got, Wiki?

Playing for Mississippi State University, Clark was noted for his oft-imitated "sweet swing," said to be among the best in baseball … A teammate of Rafael Palmeiro, the two were known as "Thunder and Lightning"

I’m sorry, which one was “Lightening?” The balding, lefty, power-hitting Caucasian or the mustachioed, future-Viagra-spokesman, power-hitting Cuban? Either way, if the thought of those two hitting back-to-back in the same lineup doesn’t evoke comparisons of Gary Payton and Shawn Kemp, then I am not good at comparisons.

Clark and Palmeiro have been known to dislike each other and have had heat since their days at Mississippi St.

New comparison: 50 Cent vs. The Game. Everything came to a head when Clark dropped the single, “I Got Heat Witchu,” a not-so-subtle shot at his former teammate that included the line, “You say you play first/Homey you the worst/A bad throw you can’t dig/With your fake a$$ wig.

Unlike Palmeiro, Clark has never been linked to nor accused of steroid use.

“I Still Got Heat Withcu,” released 2005

Handled yourself well at that Congressional hearing/Shoulda brought you up on charges of trying to bite my swing/The Hall of Fame? Pfft, that’s a gas/Let’s go to the cages right now, I’ll Cap’n Crunch that a$$!

Giant sticks?

1993 Upper Deck Team Stars Checklist

There’s something about the back-to-the-camera-during-the-National-Anthem sports photograph that I love so dearly. The facelessness of it. The patriotism. It makes me feel all tingly inside. Is that wrong? Then I don’t want to be right.

A few things stand out about this particular shot. First, that is one helluva middle of the order. I mean, it’s one thing to see these guys trot to the batter’s box one after the other, but seeing them together, physically -– not just in a lineup card -– is quite impactful. It’s no surprise the Giants won 103 games in ’93 (missing the playoffs). Second, all of these guys are going bald, or are already bald. This is apropos of nothing, but it reminds me of the first time I saw Will Clark take off his helmet as a kid and, for whatever reason, I began to like him a little bit less. I don’t know why. I wish he had just shaved his head like the other two. Whatever. Third, the fact that two of the men here are noted performance enhancing drug users definitely takes away from the romanticism of this card. It’s ’93 and Bonds is looking kinda big already. I’m just saying. Why couldn’t the two of them just do it naturally, and be injured all the time and bald gracefully like Will Clark?

Anyhoo, this card is a checklist.



When I originally turned this over I assumed this Team Stars checklist was a checklist for the regular ’93 Upper Deck set. But it turns out, it seems, that Team Stars is its own special series with its own checklist, as evidenced by the fact that this card is # 471, but the Team Stars card entitled “Giant Sticks” is # 476. I can’t imagine that there is different card entitled “Giant Sticks” that is not this one, which simply features a few players who carry giant sticks but do not play for the Giants because, Upper Deck figured, “Why does everything have to be a play on words?” But if that were the case, and all of our preconceptions were thrown out the window, we could then speculate that the title of this card is “The Royal Tenen-bombs.”*

I would also like to take this time to commend whoever came up with the name “Giant Sticks.” Bravo. That none of these three men are actually holding bats in this picture, and that we cannot see their torsos makes the mind race with only baseball-related wonder.

In perusing this checklist, it’s fairly simple to deduce which players these card titles may feature, although I could probably do without “Boyhood Friends,” which is too Hallmarky and weird for my tastes. (Yes, I have a distinct palate for checklist cards.) I am particularly fond however, of the Team Stars card entitled “Les Grandes Etoiles,” which is French for “The Great Mariners” and which features, I imagine, a picture of Wade Boggs and Roberto Alomar fishing.

*I am aware that movie had yet to be released in 1993. Just humor me.

792 1980's Topps Cards Can't Be Wrong

It's Tuesday night, which can only mean one thing: time for numbers 401 through 450 of The 792!

For God's sake, try to contain your excitement!

401. Mark McGwire Team USA Olympic, 1985 (RC)
402. Tony Gwynn NL AS, 1988
403. Cory Snyder Team USA Olympic, 1985 (RC)
404. Phillies World Series Celebration, 1981
405. Roger Maris Turn Back the Clock 1961, 1986
406. Paul Molitor, 1980
407. Steve Bedrosian NL AS, 1988
408. John Mizerock, 1987
409. Marvis Foley, 1983
410. Phil Niekro, 1983
At the top of this checklist, I noted that my goal was not to create a Pete Rose's or Nolan Ryan's Greatest Hits type set. It turns out that some stars were consistently given off-numbers, like Paul Molitor, Ozzie Smith, and Robin Yount. Granted, I probably would have included more Roses and Ryans, but they fell on 2nd tier numbers almost across the board (1987 being a rogue checklist; Nolan Ryan on #757? WTF?). A guy who was given a 2nd tier number consistently was Phil Niekro. And how do you say no to Phil Niekro? You don't, that's how.

411. Houston Jimenez, 1984
412. Britt Burns, 1981 (RC)
413. Moose Haas, 1987
414. John McNamara, 1988 (MGR)
415. Ron Darling, 1985 (RC)
416. Fred Lynn, 1989
417. John Franco, 1985 (RC)
418. Alan Knicely, 1986
419. Tom Hume, 1981
420. Will Clark, 1987 (RC)
If I ever write a book on checklisting, there will definitely be a chapter entitled 'The Greatest Crimes in Checklisting,' and near the top of my list will be how Topps did not include Will Clark and Barry Larkin in the 1985 Team USA Olympic subset. His regular-issue rookie in 1987 was a huge deal in 1987. I thought I'd be able to retire from the riches bestowed upon me thanks to having doubles of this card. Alas, it was no to be.

421. Al Oliver Super Veteran, 1983
422. George Cappuzello, 1983
423. John Smiley, 1988 (RC)
424. Yankees Team, 1980
425. Tom Seaver, 1987
426. Orioles Leaders, 1984
427. Paul Kilgus, 1988 (RC)
428. Max Venable, 1986
429. Tim Pyznarski, 1987 (RC)
Pyznarski's only Topps card.

430. Mike Schmidt, 1987
The Mike Schmidt With A Boner Card. Classic.

431. Gary Gaetti, 1983 (RC)
432. Len Barker, 1981
433. Ed Hearn, 1987 (RC)
434. Harold Baines, 1984
435. Robin Yount, 1982
436. Andy Allanson, 1987 (RC)
437. Andy Benes #1 Draft Pick, 1989 (RC)
438. Joe Torre, 1985 (MGR)
439. Dave Righetti, 1982 (RC)
440. Steve Bedrosian, 1988
441. Whitey Herzog, 1986 (MGR)
The Whitey Herzog With The Kid'N'Play Flat-Top Haircut Card.

442. Tom Bolton, 1988 (RC)
Now that the Red Sox have held onto Bucholz, Lester, et al, which one of them will be known as the Tom Bolton of his generation?

443. Bill Buckner, 1986
444. Cal Ripken, Sr., 1988 (MGR)
445. Mark Fidrych, 1980
446. Chuck Finley, 1987 (RC)
447. Tom Brunansky, 1984
448. Darrell Porter In Action, 1982
449. Pat Dodson, 1987 (RC)
450. Barry Bonds, 1988
A few posts ago I hinted that it was unprecedented for Topps to reward Barry Bonds with a 2nd tier number in his rookie year, only to elevate him further in his second year. This is not the case. If you look at 1987 and 1988 more closely, Bo Jackson was on #170 for his regular-issue rookie, then given #750 in 1988, his second year. So really Topps's man-crush wasn't just on Barry Bonds. They spread the love around.


As always, luxuriate in the visuals with Cardboard Junkie.