The Club

Rafael Palmeiro, 1994 Topps Stadium Club "Home Run Club"

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J/K IT'S THE HOME RUN CLUB, Y'ALL.

 

Q: What does one have to do to get into HR Club?

A: HIT HOME RUNS.

Q: How many home runs, specifically?

A: LOTS OF 'EM, WE'LL BE THE JUDGE, OKAY?

Q: Any other requirements?

A: BIG FOREARMS/TWO PLUS YEARS EXPERIENCE AT DOUBLES CLUB.

Q: What's the first rule of HR Club?

A: WIPE YOUR FEET BEFORE ENTERING.

Q: So it's an actual club with a physical headquarters?

A: NO. COMMON FREAKING COURTESY.

Q: What's the second rule of HR Club?

A: LOVE THY NEIGHBOR/HIT HOME RUNS.

Q: That's two rules.

A: THERE ARE NO RULES.

Q: How do you know if someone belongs to HR Club so you can show him the proper respect?

A: HE OR SHE J/K HE WILL WEAR A BADGE WITH A PHOTO OF HIMSELF TAPED TO IT IN WHICH HE IS DISPLAYING HIS MASSIVE FOREARMS AND LOOKING OFF MENACINGLY INTO THE DISTANCE.

Q: Can't anyone make one of those?

A: IT WILL HAVE A SEAL. AND IT WILL BE RAFAEL PALMEIRO.

Q: Any perks to being a member of HR Club?

A: GET INTO ANY PARTICIPATING REAL CLUB LIKE KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS OR MISTY'S NIGHTCLUB OR WHATEVER FOR FREE; 15 PERCENT OFF AT KOHLS WHEN YOU USE YOUR KOHLS CARD.

Q: When was HR Club established?

A: DON'T HAVE TO WAIT AT LINE AT GREAT ADVENTURE ON TUESDAYS, IS ANOTHER PERK I FORGOT TO MENTION EARLIER.

Q: Does home run club have a motto?

A: "THIS AIN'T YOUR MOTHER'S HOME RUN CLUB" OR "GO BACK TO SLAP-HITTER'S CLUB" OR "PFFT" STILL WORKING ON IT.

Q: According to this card, Rafael Palmeiro hit 37 home runs in 1993 and is a member of HR Club. Is there anything else this card has to offer in the way of information?

A: NO.

Q: Thank you.

A: NOT A QUESTION.

Cereal Thrilla

Will Clark, 1989 Topps Cap’n Crunch

The common misconception of Cap’n Crunch is that he only knows about seafaring and things that are crunchy. To those who abide by such thinking, I implore you—don’t put Cap’n Crunch in a box. Because the thing is, Cap’n Crunch knows a lot about other stuff, too, like wine, exotic (land) species, Greek architecture, indie music, and things of that ilk. He is also pretty dang familiar with our country’s national pastime. Truth be told, Cap’n Crunch is the George Will of cereal captains.

Speaking of Wills, how about Will Clark? Many people who enjoy baseball were unfamiliar with Will Clark until Cap’n Crunch featured him on a set of baseball cards in 1989. The Cap’n, Topps, and Clark himself, however, put forth a rather curious concerted collaborative effort to make Clark appear as less a baseball player than a pedophile.

Perhaps as an homage to Cap’n Crunch himself, Clark decided to grow a mustache that I have never before seen on any other of his baseball cards. This is indeed a rare occurrence of Will Clark facial hair, and has in itself raised the value of this card to a whopping .5 Euros. To boot, Topps stripped Clark of the San Francisco Giants symbol often seen on San Francisco Giants hats, so as to abide by Section IV, Rule 34.8 of the Major League Baseball Handbook, which explicitly states: “Any player featured on a breakfast cereal-sponsored piece of cardboard shall represent his current franchise in text only and not via graphic symbols, which may falsely infer that said player is affiliated with said team. Failure to meet this criteria will result in up to eight years in federal prison for all involved parties, cartoon and/or human.” It’s unknown whether Clark, in this particular shot, is on a ball field or in front of an old, rusted, windowless van offering free candy to passersby. All we really know is that he plays first base, or is at least trying to get there.



Belted Home Run with his first swing in pro ball for Fresno vs. Visalia, June 21, 1985.
Belted Home Run with his first swing as big leaguer, at Houston Astrodome, April 8, 1986.

That is interesting—the type of stuff back-of-cards were born to reveal. Equally interesting, although not mentioned here, is that Will’s middle name is “Nuschler,” which is like, “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?” Ha, ha … Nuschler.

What else ya’ got, Wiki?

Playing for Mississippi State University, Clark was noted for his oft-imitated "sweet swing," said to be among the best in baseball … A teammate of Rafael Palmeiro, the two were known as "Thunder and Lightning"

I’m sorry, which one was “Lightening?” The balding, lefty, power-hitting Caucasian or the mustachioed, future-Viagra-spokesman, power-hitting Cuban? Either way, if the thought of those two hitting back-to-back in the same lineup doesn’t evoke comparisons of Gary Payton and Shawn Kemp, then I am not good at comparisons.

Clark and Palmeiro have been known to dislike each other and have had heat since their days at Mississippi St.

New comparison: 50 Cent vs. The Game. Everything came to a head when Clark dropped the single, “I Got Heat Witchu,” a not-so-subtle shot at his former teammate that included the line, “You say you play first/Homey you the worst/A bad throw you can’t dig/With your fake a$$ wig.

Unlike Palmeiro, Clark has never been linked to nor accused of steroid use.

“I Still Got Heat Withcu,” released 2005

Handled yourself well at that Congressional hearing/Shoulda brought you up on charges of trying to bite my swing/The Hall of Fame? Pfft, that’s a gas/Let’s go to the cages right now, I’ll Cap’n Crunch that a$$!