Elvis Presley Heroes: 1965

I had trouble deciding what to call Elvis' teams throughout his career. The Tupelo Hound Dogs? The Memphis Kings? The Hollywood Headliners? Or something like "The Jumpsuits"? I decided to combine the first two for this card. Here's a closeup of the team logo...

Uncle Larry

 

Nick Johnson, 2002 Fleer "Triple Crown" series

This is part of Fleer's "Triple Crown" series, like that time Nick Johnson won the triple crown.

Baseball America's top rated prospect in the New York Yankees organization last year,

That worked out well. I'm not sure if I can express to you, blog readers, our family's love and hope for one Nick Johnson. We were all convinced he was going to be the next great, homegrown Yankee. He killed my cousin's fantasy team for like five years. My wife, enamored by his chunkiness and the idea that he fell under the radar of the more popular Yanks, had a crush on him that remains to this day. (And I am not threatened by this, since I did as well, platonically speaking.) It is also the reason she cannot stand Jason Giambi, who made ol' Nicky expendable. When he left we remained sure he would find great success elsewhere. I think our expectations were less a case of us being dumb than the fact Nick Johnson could not go six days without breaking his hand or whatever.

Johnson can call on his uncle, Philadelphia Phillies skipper Larry Bowa, for advice.

Oh Larry Bowa is Nick Johnson's uncle I never heard that before EXCEPT EVERY TIME EVER EVERY TIME I WATCHED A BASEBALL GAME EVERY TIME FROM 2001 THROUGH PRESENT.

- - - - - - - - - -

Larry Bowa: Hello?

Nick Johnson: Hey uncle Larry, it's Nick.

Bowa: Uh, hey Nick. Why are you ... won't I see you on Christmas in five months?

Johnson: Yeah, sure, mos def. I just thought that maybe we could talk now for a minute.

Bowa: Okaaaay, what's up?

Johnson: Alright, I was wondering -- can you give me some advice about how to play baseball?

Bowa: Are you serious right now?

Johnson: Yeah. I mean, you played in the bigs, right? You managed in the bigs. You must know a lot of stuff. I thought maybe you could impart some wisdom.

Bowa: Listen, Nick, I'm kind of busy. I mean, you made it -- you're in The Show now. There's not much I can tell you that you don't already know. If you had a more specific question, like something you're having trouble with -- girls, drugs, a worthless batboy who needs to be fired -- I'd be happy to see if I can help ...

Johnson: Yeah, okay. Let me ask you this then -- how do I stop breaking all my body parts?

Bowa: Hmm, yeah, that's hard to say. Kind of a freak thing, I guess. Have you thought about not being such a pu-- Talking to wife in background ... What? Well if I don't say it who will? Whatever! Yeah, nevermind, Nick. Nothing you can do about that.

Johnson: Unc, is there any part of my game that you'd like to see improve? You know, from the standpoint of being my uncle and being super-duper proud of me and everything?

Bowa: You know, Nick, to be honest ... I'd love to see you be a bit more aggressive at the plate. Sometimes it seems like you're looking for a walk and not trying to make something happen ...

Johnson: Oh, yeah, that's good advice! Give me a second, I'm writing this down ... Try ... to get ... on base ... less. Awesome. Are you speaking from the experience of your .252 on-base percentage in 1973?

Bowa: Did I call you, or did you call me? If you want to get all caught up in "on-base percentage" and "GLORP" and all that other CRAP, be my guest! When I played, I only cared about one thing: WINS! And HEART! And GUTS!

Johnson: That's three things. Can you tell me also -- how do you maintain your composure, which is something you became famous for and which is something you're doing right now?

Bowa: If I could reach through the phone THIS SECOND, I'd grab you by your little pansie ear like I did when you were a kid clinging to your mommy, and I'd pull you through the line and throw you on the couch here. Then I'd pry your eyes open "Clockwork Orange"-style and make you watch tapes of the late 70s and early 80s Phils so you'd learn HOW TO PLAY BASEBALL FOR REAL!

Johnson: Hangs up, breaks wrist.

Reflexes

Bill Doran, 1989 Donruss

CHECK OUT MY CAT-LIKE REFLEXES.

I AM READY FOR THE PITCH, PITCHER. PITCH THAT SHIZZ.

I DON'T CARE HOW FAST YOU PITCH IT, I AM READY.

OH SNAP, ABOUT TO GET YOUR PITCH ON, HUH? IMMA BOUT TO POUNCE.

HERE IT COMES ... THE PITCH IS WHAT I AM REFERRING TO.

I AM GOING TO HIT THIS PITCH WITH MY BASEBALL BAT.

BUT ONLY IF IT'S A GOOD ONE!

IF IT'S A CRAPPY PITCH I WILL LET IT PASS UNABAITED.

THIS PITCHER IS CRAPPY SO THE PITCH MIGHT BE CRAPPY ... I MUST REMEMBER THAT.

THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!

THE CROWD IS GETTING READY TO SEE WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT.

THE PITCH IS CLOSER NOW, ALMOST HERE.

HERE COMES THE PITCH!

ELBOW UP.

THE PITCH IS HERE!

IT IS A LIKE A BLUR TO MOST, BUT I SEE IT CLEARLY WITH MY CAT EYES.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

A) SWING
B) NOT SWING
C) HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PHYSICAL REACTION WHATSOEVER
D) FART

I HAVEN'T MADE UP MY MIND YET.

OH, YO WTF -- THIS PITCH MIGHT HIT ME!

BETTER GET OUTTA DA WAY ... AND FAST!

TOO LATE!

I WASN'T PREPARED FOR THIS SCENARIO!

WAIT, MAYBE IT WON'T HIT ME? MAYBE IT'S JUST TOO HIGH OR SOMETHING.

THIS PITCH IS HIGHER THAN CHEECH AND CHONG (JOKE).

IF THIS PITCH HITS ME IT WILL REALLY HURT NEXT WEEK.

(IT TAKES MY BODY A WEEK TO PROCESS PAIN.)

I AM READY FOR THE PITCH.

FOR REALS THIS TIME.

Because It Should Exist: 1971 Topps Greatest Moments Elvis Presley

Like Travis, I haven't posted in a long time. (The Baseball Card Blog is lucky that, like the railroads used to be, Mike posts on a schedule you can set your watch to.) I've been kicking around a fan set idea for a long time: Elvis Presley Heroes. It would be a collection of 50 or so cards from across Presley's career and life, done in the style of each year. Because his years roughly match those of Mantle and Aaron, his cards would roughly match those two stars.

Here's one I put together tonight. I plan to put together the rest of them over the next few months, if the project can hold my interest.

EXCLUSIVE Pack Break...

It has been so long since I last posted, I feel the need to ease back into it. What is easier than buying a pack of cards, scanning, copying any interesting facts on the backs, dumping it into a blog post. I'm hoping this mindless exercise will get me back in the flow of regular posting.

Everyone does pack breaks of the latest-and-greatest cards. I'm a little too broke to bust any vintage packs. I need to really wow the readers, so Ben and Mike don't fire me. Since baseball season has come and gone since my last post, I'm thinking I should avoid baseball cards.

Hmmm... This is still The Baseball Card Blog.

I think I have the perfect pack. 2011 Topps Heritage Video Game & Arcade Heroes. My local card shop had a whole mess of these in the bargain bin. At only $.50 a pack, it wasn't much of a risk. I suppose these didn't sell very well when they first came out. The shop owner seemed genuinely surprised when I bought a pack. I haven't seen a single one of these cards on the internet before - even on the blogs that post all kinds of crazy non-sports cards.

I think we have an exclusive here!

Here's what the pack looks like:

From what was in the bin, it looks like there are four different pack designs: Mario, Sonic the Hedgehog, Pac-Man, and some guy from a fighting game (Mortal Kombat?) Of course, I went with Mario. I have to admit, I did a little "pack searching". I'm not one of those jerks that bring a scale and weighs packs, or even worse, bends them hoping to "discover" a relic card. However, I'm not opposed to choosing the fattest pack out of a dusty bargain bin.

Okay. Let's check out these bad-boys...

First card out:

 

Card #134 - Left Wall

I dig the 1978-style of the card. WALL? Video Game Hero? Ooooookay... Here's what the back says:

"Left Wall - Historical accounts shows the middle two walls the most favored for hiding beneath, the far left walls proximity to the edge of the field provided an important choke-point in later levels for the spaceship to inflict massive vertical column damage early on in the game."

Maybe the Wall was a hero. Maybe not.

On to the next card:

#73 - Rock

Rock? Are you kidding me? I couldn't get Mr. Dug himself! Those damn rocks killed me more than the stupid, fire-breathing lizards. Nothing but stats on the back. I'm assuming the column with the big numbers (DK) stands for Dugs Killed.

I get the design concept. The card design mimics the baseball cards from the year the game came out. 1978 = Space Invaders. 1982 = Dig Dug.

Moving on:





#100 - Mario!!!

Mis-cut with dinged corners... There goes the value.

 

#215 - Fan Twenty-Two

Lame. From the back:

"Fan #22 -Front row and 5 faces from the right, though not well known, it was this die-hard’s unyielding enthusiasm that helped inspire the shocking victory by Little Mac over King Hippo."

Granted, he's not more than a few dozen pixels, but it sure looks like he is wearing sunglasses. Front row, Tyson fight in '87... definitely a major celebrity. Looks a little like David Hasselhoff.

Next...

#239 - Dot No. Thirteen

 



 

I thought the Rock was lame... The back:

 

"Dot #13 in Pac Man - While most experts give the majority of credit to the power pellets, in level 5, - a white-knuckled moment... as all four ghosts surround Pac Man - this small dot allowed the defeat of the marginally fast ghosts. The last dot allowed Pac Man to advance to a level with marginally faster ghosts."

 

Truly... a hero. Shall we see if we can handle more disappointment:

 

#VGV-12 - Singe

Insert Alert!!! Video Game Villains mini card! Dragon's Lair was a cool game I remember as maddeningly difficult. According to the back of the pack, these odds of pulling one of these inserts were 1:24 packs. The checklist for the insert set is on the back of the card. I only recognize the names of five of the 25 subjects. I need to brush up on video game history.

 

#67 - Square No. 21

 



 

This is getting ridiculous. I'm fairy certain that's a cube. 1982 was a good year for infuriating video games.

 

 

Last card in the pack (finally):

 

 

#139 - Square

Well, at least it is an actual square. I've always thought of the square as a bit of an unsung hero. Let's see what the back has to say:

"Square Block - Tetris: After the long blocks erasure of the field, this square gave a double point score with an assist of two full lines. Though the game was ultimately lost, it was a memorable moment that will live in video game history."

I for one, am shocked that these cards didn't fly off the shelves. If nothing else, they got me back to posting.

Let me know if you have any specific requests for cards from this set. I'll see if I can "find" them for you.

(Thanks to my good buddy, Michael Sherrillo, for help with the card back quotes. If you want to buy these cards, I'm sorry. I made them up. That's quite a compliment. Thank you. You have very good eyesight to be able to read this.)

 



 





 



The Fire of Savviness

Doug Jones, 1991 Score Dream Team series

I don't know anything about Doug Jones -- let's pretend; I obviously know everything there is know about Doug Jones -- but I do know that he obviously has a blazing fastball. I know that because the baseball he is holding in this Score Dream Team card is blazing. Like it's literally on fire. Remember, these are the days before Photoshop, so everything you see is real. And if Doug Jones can set fire to a baseball by merely holding it gingerly, one can only imagine what his blazing fastball does. I just imagined it, and his blazing fastball explodes before it reaches home plate, only it just appears to have exploded because in actuality it was going so fast that it time-traveled to the past and successfully prevented the assassination of Gerald Ford. WHEW!

Anyway, let's find out more about Doug Jones' blazing fastball.

Doug is an anomaly among stoppers.

Think about everything you've come to understand about traditional stoppers. How they don't like to eat spaghetti. How they only go to matinees because they are so freakin' cheap. How they come from broken homes but were then adopted by two dads who aren't gay but just living together. How they are called stoppers. Now forget all of that because Doug Jones doesn't fit into that box, yet he stops nonetheless. Weird, right? The only trait we know for sure that Doug Jones shares with traditional stoppers is that he has a blazing fastball, which is optimal for stopping.

He doesn't have an overpowering fastball that blows batters away.

Oh, that is kind of weird because

What he does have is plenty of savvy

My mistake. I made an assumption by thinking the fire protruding from that baseball represented the heat generated by speed, but it is actually the fire of savviness. The fire of savviness burns deep in the heart of elite stoppers, and tells them things like, "He's looking for the heat, which you don't have, so throw this one slow and outside or whatever. Actually, maybe throw it first base now to disrupt his timing. Whoops, no runner on first. My bad, that was weird. Pretend the ball is dirty and ask for a new one."

and a dominant changeup that he mixes in with his with average fastball.

Have you guys ever seen how the Score baseball card company interprets an "average fastball?" Here:

Let's find out what Wikipedia has to add with regards to Doug Jones' blazing fastball, which is often represented accurately with fire:

A changeup specialist, he was known for keeping hitters off balance by throwing extremely slow pitches.

What's cool (opposite of hot) about this card is that, not only did Doug Jones not have a blazing hot fastball, he was actually renown for throwing the ball extremely slowly. Score was like, "How do we accurately represent the slowness with which Dream Team stopper Doug Jones throws a baseball?" and then another person at Score was like, "Sarcasm."

Oldies But Goodies (For 1/2 Season)

Terry Kennedy, 1991 Score

Terry Kennedy the baseball player -- not Compton Ass Terry -- was an old farty farthead who took naps while watching golf and who would have been the oldest baseball player who ever lived were it not for his Giants teammate, Gary "Old Man" Carter.

For two old guys, the catching tandem of Gary Carter (36) and Terry (34) did very nicely, thank you, in '90.

I am 34 years old myself and let me just tell you --                                    oops forgot what I was going to say. THAT'S how old I am. Where are my pants?

Seriously though, where are my pants? Seriously seriously though, age ain't nuthin' but a number (h/t Aaliyah or Mary J. Blige, one of them), and what really counts in the big scheme of things is craftiness, which is an intangible possessed by old people who are too freakin' lazy to exert physical effort.

Together, these two crafty catchers

It's a darn good thing these two elderly men did not try to outcraft each other. CRAFT-OFF!

Carter: Hold on there, rook. Let's work smarter, not harder. Might want to decide at what angle you want to get that couch out the door before you go thrashing it around like that. You're gonna throw your back out.

Kennedy: Listen, old man. Why don't you go check that paper over there. I already diagrammed the degrees at which we need to pivot to get this beauty out the door and into her new home. Took me all night, not that you would know, since you fell asleep watching "Matlock" ... AGAIN.

Carter: First of all, I was just resting my eyes. Second, not really sure I need to check a diagram from a guy who can't even pick an absent-minded rookie off first.

Kennedy: I don't make the calls, Gary the Elder, I just do my job. Rook was out by a half-step at least. You know it, I know it.

Carter: Welp, if you had spent any of your, what -- 14 years in the bigs? -- developing any kind of rapport with the men in blue like a good catcher should, you might have gotten the call.

Kennedy: Are you going to help me with this couch or what?

Carter: I was thinking -- it might be easier to take the door frame off ...

totaled 30 years of experience.

I just don't think "zero dropoff in experience between starting and backup catchers" is something general managers are targeting much these days, to everyone's great chagrin. Personally, I hate when my favorite team removes it's old catcher and inserts a younger catcher or vice versa. Even medium-age catchers are like, eh.

Best of all,

This is the best part.

Carter batted .302 and Terry hit .281 by mid-season.

That was the best part of ALL of this. That Gary Carter hit .302 and Terry hit .281 "by mid-season." What happened after mid-season? Don't know; doesn't matter. It's not the best part. The batting average by mid-season (BABMS) of two absurdly old catchers is what we're talking about here, nothing else. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find my pants.

The Emmisary of Class

Alex Rodriguez, 2005 Topps

What makes a classy emissary? Excellent question, me.

Emissary is defined by the Internet as "A person sent on a special mission, e.g., as a diplomatic representative, or a shortstop turned third baseman." Classy is like when you are formal but without even trying or whatever. Put those two together and you have one classy-ass emissary.

Say it's 2004. Who do you think are the classiest emissaries of baseball right now? Remember, it's 2004. Billy Crystal? Ozzie Smith? Craig Counsel? All excellent, albeit wrong, guesses. Let's look at the back of this Alex Rodriguez baseball card and see if there are any clues. Why an Alex Rodriguez card? That in itself is a clue. Try and stay with me here.

Upon leaving Texas for NYC in an astonishing 2004 trade

Quick aside: I was in IKEA with my wife the day after the trade happened, and it wasn't until I walked past a copy of that day's Daily News while making my way through a barrage of fake kitchens did the trade really sink in GET IT? Neither here nor there, but I mention this only to remind everyone that IKEA is the worst.

Alex was called by Ranger's manager Buck Showalter "a good man with a pure heart."

That sounds like faint praise for a neighbor who was accused of shoplifting socks rather than a parting shot for a baseball player who just completed three consecutive seasons of 50+ home runs. Was it this early in his career that people were playing the role of Alex Rodriguez apologist as it pertained to his motives?

Reporter: Buck, now that he's gone, a lot of guys in the locker room are saying that Alex Rodriguez was a bad person with a black heart and also that maybe he eats kittens. Can you speak to that?

Buck Showalter: Not gonna take the bait, Karl. Alex is a good man with a pure heart.

Indeed, A-Rod is not only a great player, but one of the game's classiest emissaries.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Alex Rodriguez kneels before MLB Commissioner Bud Selig, head down

Selig: Wearing old British powder wig, holding baseball bat. And I hereby dub thee, Alexander Rodriguez, classy emissary of Major League Baseball. Taps each shoulder with bat.

Rodriguez: Rises slowly. It is an honor and a privilege, good sir. Oh, one thing I forgot to mention earlier ... not sure if it's a big deal or whatever, but ... I kind of did a bunch of steroids a while back ... we cool?

Selig: Hmmm. Were they absorbed in a classy manner?

Rodriguez: Oh no doubt. I wore a bow tie every time while using scientific terms like buttocks.

Selig: Then I see no issue. Now go forth on your special mission as a diplomat of this fine game, and preach its good tidings while maintaining your dignit-- wha ... what are you doing?

Rodriguez: Oh, just kissing myself in the mirror. Why, what's up? Were we not finished?

Cap'n Red Hat and the Black Dirt Chronicles of Effort

Mike Schmidt, 1989 Topps Cap'n Crunch

What's left to say about Mike Schmidt? He played for the team with the red hats. He enjoyed/was sponsored by Cap'n Crunch breakfast cereal. These are the two most common things people know about Mike Schmidt. "Is there anything else I should know?" you ask. Great question. Not really.

Unless ... do you like the Internet? Because guess what? Mike Schmidt has a website.

Here is the header/tagline/whatever you call that thing that appears on the very top of the browser of Mike Schmidt's website:

The best of the Sports Stores is Mike Schmidt Fan Shop; compare to the other Sports Stores, Sports Stores, Sports Stores and see.

There is no doubt we are required to do some comparison here. But before we do that -- and we won't do that -- the homepage features a very important quote by Mike Schmidt which, judging from the picture, he first uttered while hitting a home run over the Liberty Bell and winning America her freedom from France or whatever.

"If you could equate the amount of time and effort put in mentally and physically into succeeding on the baseball field and measured it by the dirt on your uniform, mine would have been black." -- Mike Schmidt

This is a very long quote that I had originally and mistakenly attributed to Winston Churchill. I think we've all wished, at one point or another in our lives, that effort could be manifested through dirt on our bodies. Effort, however, is typically only manifested by results, and unfortunately for Schmidt, he has only his 500 home runs and Hall of Fame career to serve as an indication that he did, many times, practice baseball. I also was not aware that brown dirt on top of more brown dirt will become black dirt. I thought it would just mean more dirt.

The point is that: hey you -- dive for that ground ball! Don't stand there and let it go by you because you don't want your uniform to get dirty like so, so, so, so, so, so many other baseball players. When you do that it looks like you're not trying. Do you even like baseball? Oh ... you don't? Then why are we even out here? I'm sorry; this is my dream, not yours. Let's go to the movies.

(If you are skeptical as to Mike Schmidt's belief in dirt, scroll over the Mike Schmidt logo on the website and experience the puff of dirt that magically appears. Don't worry though -- you won't get dirty.)

The other point is that: hey you -- buy some sports apparel and memorabilia at Mike Schmidt's online store! Don't just be all browsin' around without getting your uniform dirty (metaphor for consumer purchase).

It's uncertain what role, exactly, Cap'n Crunch played in the creation of mikeschmidt.com. It's possible that this card and Mike Schmidt's website are mutually exclusive. But who knows? The long arms of Cap'n Crunch spread wide across corporate America.

Fun City

Baseball card companies had a big ol’ field day when Michael Jordan decided to play baseball. (Michael Jordan was a basketball player.) And by baseball card companies I mean fake baseball card companies.

Years ago I wrote about the faux 1986 Topps Jordan card in which his basketball statistics are converted into baseball statistics (!!!). Also on that card, his hat is falling off as he is taking batting practice and he is making a weird face like he’s playing baseball for the first time in 20 years while also having sex. I have yet to determine why 1986 became the year of choice for Michael Jordan baseball cards since it was not his rookie year, or the year he decided to play baseball, or of any significance, really, in his career up to that point except that it was the only year he was ever injured. The random year chosen for his baseball cards only serves to reaffirm my suspicions that Michael Jordan playing baseball never really happened and it was all a dream, and you are dreaming now. Don't wake up though, I'm not finished.

In the interest of producing more 1986 Michael Jordan baseball cards for an insatiable nation, Donruss stepped up to the challenge. And by Donruss I mean “Fun City Cards.”

Listen, I’m going to be honest here. This is the greatest back of a fake baseball card that contains basketball statistics I’ve ever seen (except for the aforementioned card in which Michael Jordan’s basketball statistics are converted into baseball statistics), and I’m not just saying that. Has there ever been less frills on the back of a card?

Fun City intern: Boss, I'm going to increase the font size of Michael Jordan's name to take up some white space. Here, look ...

Fun City boss: BOLD IT CAPS IT THIS IS FUN CITY NOT BORING CARD TOWN!

You would think a card from a “company” called Fun City Cards would have a lot of zany, distracting stuff, like pictures of cartoon elephants dunking basketballs while hitting baseballs with their trunks and riding skateboards or something. I don’t know—that was just an image that came to mind. Or maybe some balloons? Or at least some color. I love the irony of it all, is what I'm trying to say.

Take me down to the fun city
Where the basketball players play baseball
And the cards are shitty

-- Funs & Poses

It should also be mentioned that Michael Jordan was a "Rated Rookie." This is, for me, where Fun City Cards really took it to the next level ... of copyright infringement. How fast did Donruss sue Fun City? Three seconds? Four seconds? Or is this like a bootleg movie that there's really nothing you can do about except ignore? All I know is, I Googled "fun city cards" and nothing came up except an ebay link to this very card, which is going for $1 and has zero bids. That may not seem like a lot, but in Fun City houses only cost 75 cents and there are no property taxes and it's always happy hour and Michael Jordan plays every sport.