August 08, 2012

Racquetball Wrists Come in Handy for Guy

 Jeff Conine, 1991 Score

Curly mullet, no sideburns. Holla atcha boy.

You can’t start out much lower on the totem pole than Jeff did in ’88.

Here is Major League Baseball’s Totem Pole of Future Awesomeness, from lowest to highest:

Homeless person who just learned baseball thanks to a genie’s lamp found in a dumpster
Undrafted person
62nd round draft pick/vague relation to Tommy Lasorda
57th round draft pick/racquetball champion
Best player in Japan
1st round draft pick out of college
Foreign person who washed ashore on a raft
1st round draft pick out of high school
#1 overall draft pick
#1 overall draft pick + son of current/former major leaguer
Bryce Harper

A pitcher at UCLA and a National Junior racquetball champion at 18, he was drafted in the 57th round by the Royals.

The Royals, desperate for a first baseman, had targeted Conine as a potential late round pick in ’88. Their draft board analysis of Conine read:
Pros: Plays baseball, sort of, hustles (assuming)
Cons: Is a pitcher, not a first baseman, two-sport star - will he flee for racquetball $$$???

And two years later, you can’t stand much higher as a prospect than Jeff in ’90.

Stand forth, ye who stand highest among prospects! I don't know how a person stands high, but this is already a great story. Sometimes life is a just a constant reminder that baseball players are not necessarily bound by the Major League Baseball Totem Pole of Future Awesomeness. After all, a pole IS for moving up and down (twss).

Called "The Barbarian" for obvious reasons,

Because he ... hurls his feces at the competition before rushing them with a sharpened sword (illegal, by the way), and/or is a non-Greek living outside the Roman Empire with no literary skills? The reasons -- there are more than one reason? -- are not obvious to me.

According to Wikipedia, Jeff Conine's middle name is Guy. I like this because Jeff Conine totally looks like such a guy. Look at him.

I would have called him "Guy," personally, which would have been funny because it's his middle name and not his first name.

Jeff has extraordinarily strong wrists

Wrist-off! (twss)

and hands from playing racquetball.

I would enjoy an intense montage of Jeff Conine playing racquetball in order to get his wrists and hands strong enough for baseball. Oh, you think you're good at racquetball, balding CPA who is wearing goggles and a headband? Take THAT! Bam! My point or whatever you call it! Tell 'em "Guy the Barbarian" did it to ya'! NEXT! I'm almost ready for baseball! (I wonder if playing baseball is also a good way to improve wrist and hand strength for baseball. My friend is a physical therapist. I will ask him.)

"The day he gets to the big leagues, he'll be the best fielding first baseman in the league," said Joe Klein, the Royals director of player personnel.

Said Joe Klein, director of grandiose statements and person unfamiliar with one Donald Arthur Mattingly.

Jeff Conine played professional baseball for 17 very productive years. He is still awesome at racquetball and now he does triathlons. A bust of his hands and wrists are enshrined in Cooperstown next to a totem pole, and by Cooperstown I am referring to Alice Cooper's restaurant. And also that is not true.

1 comment:

troy said...

When you wrote 'illegal, by the way,' for some reason I read it with a David Brent-like inflection ("racist!").