August 29, 2012

Hologram Card Sponsored by Cereal Features Player Who Retired Six Years Prior

Did you ever wonder what would happen if Kellogg's Corn Flakes combined forces with Major League Baseball and the Major League Baseball Player's Association and also SportsFlics? Yes? Of course you have! WE ALL HAVE. And have you also concluded that this hypothetical joining of forces would inevitably produce the greatest ... thing, in like, forever? No doubt. Well wonder no more, fellow daydreamers! For today we unveil something that was unveiled in 1992 but that you probably never even knew about because it was too hot to handle/too cold to hold at the time.

Tom Seaver, 1992 Kellogg's/SportsFlics Corn Flakes All-Star


Tom Seaver retired in 1986, so Kellogg's was mad timely with its Tom Seaver Corn Flakes All-Star hologram card from 1992. Say you were a kid in '92, and you were eating cornflakes because you were weird or your mom made you eat at least one bowl of cornflakes after downing six bowls of Chocolate Fruity Pebbles, and you were like, "I wonder if there's a super thick card inside this box featuring two indistinguishable images of an old fart baseball player* ..." Well, in this oddly specific scenario, you'd be in luck!

Tom Seaver: Never thought I'd see the day where I'd be featured on a hologram card! It's true what they say -- we're living in the future!

Kelloggs: Indeed, Tom! We here at Kellogg's, the cereal company, are at the forefront of hologram technology.

Regular kid: This is instantly the worst card I own. What is going on?

Seaver: What I want people to take away from my career the most is that I was a Kellogg's Corn Flakes

Kellogg's: Please, everyone, remember that the term Corn Flakes is trademarked and the phrase All-Star is
also copyrighted and owned by us, so ... be careful out there.

Regular kid: This card looks like someone took a Polaroid of a picture in a newspaper that was printed off-center, and then took a picture of that.

Seaver was the ultimate hard-working professional.

Tom Seaver drank a glass of orange juice and ate a bowl of Kellogg's Corn Flakes each and every morning before kissing his family goodbye and going off into the treacherous world of making hundreds of thousands of dollars for throwing a baseball once every five days.

He used excellent control and pitch selection along with a 98-mph fastball

Pretty sure the 98-mph fastball exceeded pitch selection in importance. When you have a 98-mph fastball, pitch selection is either a) not every important, or b) fastball.

to exceed his team's winning percentage 16 of 20 seasons.

Being able to exceed your team's winning percentage for X-amount of seasons is just a weird thing to mention. For starters, as we always say, wins are stupid for a pitcher. Also, it means the team(s) you pitched for kind of sucked, which is neither here nor there. Also, the pitcher's wins are shared by the team, which actually works against the pitcher in this statistical nightmare. Also, wins are stupid for a pitcher.

Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed today's installment of Hologram Cards Sponsored by Cereal Featuring Players Who Retired Six Years Prior. Hat tip to Bill, blog-follower and lover of cornflakes, apparently.

*Only on this blog can a player of Tom Seaver's stature be referred to as "an old fart baseball player." You're all getting your money's worth.

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