Frank

Frank Viola, 1989 Sports Illustrated for Kids

Picture me, 1989, delicately tearing out the perforated card of a curly-haired, mustachioed pitcher and adding it to my collection. Who's living better than this? Got my own magazine subscription, practice is in 45 minutes, 'bout to get on the phone with this girl who I might like but only if she likes me, got my dope new 3-D-ish Frank Viola card ... can't tell me NOTHIN'. Wait 'till I get my money right.

Frank won the American League Cy Young Award in 1988,

Please use his last name, Sports Illustrated for Kids, and stay true to AP Style. Frank. That's so stupid. Frank won the Cy Young. That doesn't even sound real. It sounds like what Jeremy Viola told Mrs. Viola when his brother Frank won the Cy Young. "Ma, Frank won the Cy Young." Frank won the Nobel Peace Prize. Frank discovered penicillin. I don't believe a person named Frank did those things. I'm going to need a last name.

This is what always bothered me about Sports Illustrated for Kids - they were so patronizing. It's fine if you want to cater to kids or whatever and throw in some cartoons or perforated sports cards or what have you. But don't call him Frank. I wasn't trading cards as a kid like, I'LL TRADE YOU THIS TODD FOR THAT DON SORRY CAN'T PROCESS SURNAMES JUST A KID MY NAME IS MIKE.

I mean, yeah, maybe I AM a dumb, illiterate kid who smells, but I'm not an idiot, you know? I do subscribe to your magazine that my mommy got me for Christmas. I don't know, maybe I'm getting all bent out of shape about this pointless card from a kid's magazine from 1989. Maybe they weren't as patronizing as I remember.

Fans call Frank "Sweet Music" because of his last name. What is a viola?

A BIRD! AN INVESTMENT STRATEGY! NO, A BOOK! NO, A SKATEBOARD! A VEGETABLE! ANOTHER NAME FOR A HOT DOG! GERMANY! A VIDEO GAME! WAX! NO, SOMETHING SWEET! MY AUNT!

THE ANSWER IS UPSIDE DOWN WTF I'LL NEVER KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you know?
FRANK'S FAVORITE COLOR JELLYBEAN IS WATERMELON.