Besties

Mike Piazza, 1995 Upper Deck

Eric Karros: This guy is just too good at baseball! Argh! I’m going to strangle him with my baseball bat!

Mike Piazza: Ha, ha … dude, I’m on your team, don’t do it!

Karros: I don’t care, argh! Strangle … ha, ha!

Piazza: Ha … clears throat. Alright, man, that's enough. See you out there in a bit.

Cameraman: Hey, wait a minute. I like that good-natured ribbing about you wanting to strangle him with your bat. Can you come back here and do that again?

Karros: Oh, man, I don’t know. This is Mike’s card. I don’t want to be a card bomber. I mean … Mike?

Piazza: Oh, uh … no, man. Doesn’t really matter to me. You uh … sure that’s the shot you want? Him about to strangle me with a bat?

Cameraman: Oh yeah, it’s perfect. Since this is your All-Star card, my original thought was to have you heroically hitting a mammoth home run off into the distant sky, your muscles bulging out of your crisp uniform, mustache glistening in the setting sun. But now I think it would be better if we just had Eric Karros playfully trying to choke you with his bat.

Karros: You know, Mike, it would be cool to show everyone how well we get along. We ARE pretty much best friends ...

Cameraman: Exactly.

Piazza: Yeah, I mean, well ... okay, maybe I wouldn't say best friends, but I guess it would be nice to show kids I don't hate you or anything. Do you think kids assume I don't get along with Eric, like we need a contrived photo shoot to prove it?

Karros: Well, ya' know, I don't like mustaches, you do. I use a black bat, you use a brown bat. People may assume we reside at opposite ends of the clubhouse and that we don't we don't playfully bust each others' balls. But hey, if you're not comfortable, Mike, it's f--

Piazza: Oh NO, NO, NO. That's not it at all. I just ... my only worry is that kids may assume this is a checklist card, and not my own All-Star card, that's all.

Cameraman: Is that ... is that really a concern of yours?

Piazza: I mean, yeah, a little bit. I remember how much checklist cards sucked from when I was a kid, and I don't want some kid to assume this is a checklist card, NOT turn it over, and then never discover what awesome stat of mine you put on the back, ya' know? That's all.

Cameraman: I'll make sure everyone knows it's your All-Star card, m'kay?

Piazza: Just ... you're not gonna use a term on the back like "playfully bust each others' balls," are you?

Cameraman: I won't do that. I don't think I will do that.

Piazza: Okay, alright, that's fine, that's fine. Let's uh ... let's do this then, I guess.

Karros: Argh, gonna strangle this guy!

Piazza: Alright, Eric, whoa, hang on! He's not even ready yet. Relax, dude. And can you back up with that thing? You're supposed to be pretend choking me.

Karros: Yeah, okay, my bad. Just trying to recapture the moment.

Cameraman: Alright, the two of you, smile! Say "besties!"

Piazza: Through smiling teeth ... If this comes back to haunt me I am seriously going to stick that bat up your a--

Karros: Through smiling teeth ... BESTIES!

UPDATE: Note that I had Eric Karros as Brett Butler before astute reader and non-idiot JasonP alerted me to the error. I honestly can't tell them apart in this picture even though Brett Butler was 50 years old every year.

The Three Amigos

GEORGE BRETT MINI CARD HATERS.

George Brett, 1988 Topps Superstars mini

DON'T BE FRONTIN'.

HE'S A SUPERSTAR, YO. RED BACKGROUND A METAPHOR, BLOOD OF HIS ENEMIES (PITCHERS).

HE BATS LEFT BUT HE THROWS RIGHT.

THAT IS CRAZY.

MINI CARD CAN FIT IN YOUR WALLET.

OTHER CARDS AIN'T BE DOIN' THAT.

I CARRY MY GEORGE BRETT MINI IN MY WALLET JUST IN CASE.

DO YOU ACCEPT GEORGE BRETT MINI CARDS AS A FORM OF PAYMENT? PROLLY NOT BUT YOUR LOSS YOU STUPID RESTAURANT.

I LEFT MY INSURANCE CARD AT HOME OFFICER BUT HERE IS A GEORGE BRETT MINI.

I TRUST THAT WILL SUFFICE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING, WHERE'S ED WHITSON AND MEL HALL?

OH SNAP THERE THEY IS.

THIS IS THE SAME CARD.

NICE JOB CROPPING ED WHITSON, TOPPS.

MEL HALL BE LIKE,

"PFFT. WHEN IMMA GET MY OWN SUPERSTAR MINI WITH RANDOM DUDES ON THE BACK? BEEN PUTTIN' IN WORK, SON!"




ED WHITSON BE LIKE,

 "WHATEVER YO I DON'T EVEN CARE."








MEL HALL BE LIKE,

"KEEP WALKING, ED, YOU OL' LOOKING GRAMPA. AIN'T YOUR GRANDKIDS NEED YOU TO TAKE THEM TO CHUCKY CHEESE OR WHATEVER? PLEASE."





ED WHITSON BE LIKE,

"WHY DON'T YOU COME TO THE N.L. AND I'LL SHOVE THAT BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP."





JUST GOT REAL UP IN HERE.

GEORGE BRETT BE LIKE,

"SETTLE DOWN, NON-SUPERSTARS. TRYING TO CONCENTRATE HERE ON MY FOLLOW THROUGH."




 MEL HALL AND ED WHITSON BE LIKE,

"PFFT."






MITCH WEBSTER BE LIKE,





"WELL HOWDY DOODY FELLAS! BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR SOME BASEBALL!"






GEORGE, ED AND MEL BE LIKE,

 


"SHUTUP MITCH! YOU NO WALLET-FITTIN' FOOL."










THREE AMIGOS.

The Rick Rhoden Rap

Rick Rhoden, 1988 Fleer Superstars

Rhoden comma Rick, ain't slick or dick
In name that is, I'm slick and got a big one
S to the P for the effin' Yankees
You don't know my steez? Please suck on these
Sunflower seeds, yo, get that cheese
Played for mad teams, can't nobody lock me DOWN
Down, keep the ball down
It's what I do, tell your girl my balls drop
Off the plane, yo, insane how I pull that string
Bling underneath this fly windbreaker
That's your girl o'er there? Pfft, think I'm gonna take her
Back to the dugout teach her how I swing
That bat that club, either one that's the thing
Mad versatile, be golfin' on the weekends
Weekdays too, work every five days
Got more cash than a pimp gets paid
Be pimpin too in this pimped out cart
Sitting on chrome 'till my next scheduled start
Unless I get the call to pick up the good wood
First pitcher DH in the AL hood
Run and go tell that playa, it's all good
On the dugout steps getting on my Gatorade
Other SPs drinking mad hateorade
Mad cause I got mad skills to compete
On the links, on the hill, at the club, on the street
Dope mustache just icing on the cake
Your wispy-ass upper lip ain't taking my cake
I rhyme cake with cake, yo, don't give a what
Got better things to do like see what's up
With this nervous ass dude standing in the batter's box
Allergic to my stuff like he's got the chicken pox
Sit your ass down, son, called strike three
At the knees, it's a breeze like a short par-3
Gotta bounce, gotta pounce on this helpless a$$ rook
Rihanna where you at? Bring it in with the hook ...

Where's Waldos?

 Ryne Sandberg, Waldo Candies

I recently discovered that I have TWO of the four Waldo Candies baseball cards. This has been an unbelievable revelation that has changed my life forever.

We are going to piece this puzzle together DaVinci Code style. I have neither read that book nor seen that movie, but assume it's about putting together a set of weird baseball cards. Anyway, here is what we know:

Kevin Maas is one.

Ryne Sandeberg is another.

Kevin Mass and Ryne Sandberg are both white.

Unsurprising considering the Old English prose on these cards.

Waldo Candies is racist.

There are four cards in the set.

If one of the other two cards is Oscar Gamble, I will issue a formal apology.

I will not do that.

Here is an obstacle to our endeavor. If you Google "Waldo Candy Cards" my stupid blog is the first thing to come up. That means Waldo Candy Cards are not a very popular topic of conversation around the Interwebs, meaning it's unlikely we'll ever be able to discover who was featured on the other two cards.

HOWEVER, there's a glimmer of hope. And it comes from an unlikely source: a commenter named 69robster.

I'm sorry, 69robster, you've had "FIVE" of these cards? But the back of the two cards I own explicitly states there are only four cards in the set. Is it possible 69robster has the rare FIFTH Gospel Waldo Candies baseball card in his possession? Or should we be skeptical of 69robster? Something inside of my heart wants to believe 69robster and get to the bottom of this mystery, 69robster-style.

Does anyone know where 69robster is? We should probably find him first, and then take it from there. Does he even still have the cards he claims to have owned for "several years?" Or did he discover their value and find his buyers? And if so, did those men pose as buyers only to harm 69robster in an attempt to keep him quiet and the mystery of the Waldo Candies cards just that -- a mystery?

If you're out there 69robster, let us know you're alright, and that the establishment hasn't gotten to you. We love you, and we miss you.