July 11, 2012

Spahn Games

Warren Spahn, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings puzzle

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, check out my Warren Spahn puzzle, ya’ll.

Do you like baseball? Do you like puzzles? Do you like baseball player Warren Spahn, who was born in 1921? Are you 12-years old but like being patronized as if you were 4-years old?

Can you put together a puzzle that is literally like 10 pieces? Here’s part of a hat! Where does that go? On his leg? The yellow part is confusing! Mommy, where is my sippy cup?

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity! The Warren Spahn puzzle card is a collector’s item, which is why I have 212 of them for some reason. Did they come in pieces or fully assembled? I cannot remember. If they came in pieces, I am the greatest puzzle-put-togetherer in the universe. Just sayin'.

According to Beckett, the Warren Spahn puzzle card is presently worth: Please see a publication that rates puzzles.

According to Highlights Magazine, the Warren Spahn puzzle card is worth three-and-a-half smiley faces. Holla!

The best time to put together your Warren Spahn puzzle card is at a restaurant while you are sitting in a high chair and playing with crayons. Are you done? Cool! Now it's time for the maze. How is that leprechaun going to reach the pot of gold? It seems impossible, I know. Just think about it. Take your time. Oh snap - chicken fingers are here!

Warren Spahn is the ultimate Diamond King. Can you piece together "the puzzle" of his dominance? Here's a clue: Look at the words. For example, 363 WINS. That's a lot of those! 20 OR MORE WINS 13 TIMES. Too much math. What is this, a puzzle for nerd babies? 2 NO HITTERS. No hitter = zero hits. Two times zero is zero. Warren Spahn had zero no hitters. Hey, I know SOME math. Back of the puzzle card, what's poppin'?

The white part means the bottom! Without clues like that, puzzles would only be for genius astronaut brain doctors.

Hey, remember jigsaw puzzles? One time my aunt got me a jigsaw puzzle of some landscape with a lion in it and I was like, "Worst Chirstmas ever!" Who has the time? But this Warren Spahn card is different. It's not a jigsaw; it's just a regular puzzle. To qualify as a jigsaw, you have to have at least a lot of pieces and be stupid. No offense to jig-heads, which is what I assume you call yourselves.

I can bang out a Warren Spahn puzzle in an afternoon, easy. Let's see if I still got it. Gonna take this baby apart and start over ...

I ruined it. These puzzle pieces do not stand the test of time. Shit, how many wins did Warren Spahn have again? I am lost!

1 comment:

tourist504 said...

I still have 7 of these thanks to the 1989 Donruss Griffey #33 RC chase. Still not sure who he is.

Oh, crap, I fastened them all together with scotch tape when I was 10. Now they're worth even less!