May 18, 2011

The Photo Shoot

Dave Stewart, 1987 Donruss

Cameraman: Yes, ummm, ahem … Mr. Stewart?

Dave Stewart halts his slow stroll into the outfield for warm-ups. He hangs his head low, then raises it in frustration, putting his hands on his hips. He turns around, ominously …

Dave Stewart

Cameraman: Hello, Mr. Stewart! Donald Clinkfield, Donruss Company. (Mr. Clinkfield extends hand; Dave Stewart does not oblige.) I’m here to take your picture for our upcoming set of 1987 Donruss baseball cards … the best in the industry, Mr. Stewart! Don’t let anybody tell ya’ differently, especially those nillybillies from Topps!


Clinkfield: It’s gonna have a black border, with like, a yellow-bordered banner running through it with tiny little baseballs on it. My buddy at the ‘Russ—that’s what we fellas who work there call it: the ‘Russ—created the concept. Harry Plenkberg. Real creative guy, Mr. Stewart. You’re gonna love it, I swear.


Clinkfield: Okaaaay, so if I could just get ya’ to move on over to the dugout over there, Mr. Stewart, I got a great idea for a shot that came to me in a weird, strangely sexual dream last night—

Stewart: I will stand here.

Clinkfield: Or—OR—you could just stand right there. Actually, ya’ know what? That’s even better. Right there is perfect. (Clinkfield fumbles through his camera bag in a quick attempt to set up his tripod. Dave Stewart checks his watch, which he is not wearing.)

Clinkfield: Okay, Mr. Stewart, we’re all set up, ready to go! Ready for your close-up? Ha, ha! I’m sorry—I couldn’t resist. Big Gloria Swanson fan right here. BIG fan. Do you like Gloria Swanson, Mr. Stewart?

Stewart: Who the %&^$ is Gloria Swanson?

Clinkfield: She’s a uhhh, actress, but no big deal. No big deal at all. Let’s just, uhhh, take this picture, okay?


Clinkfield: Okay, Mr. Stewart! This one’s for all your fans out there—I know you’ve got a lot of them, this guy included (points to self with both thumbs)—so if you could just give me a little smile there, that’d be great …


Clinkfield: (Removes head from behind the camera.) Okay, okay. Hate to be a bother here, really. But if you could just like, maybe give me a smirk of joy, Mr. Stewart, with this equipment, I can turn it into a smile for every—

Stewart: Take the mo&*&^%$*&^ *&^%$*ing picture.

Clinkfield: CLICK!

Clinkfield: Oh, boy, oh man, we got it! We got it, Mr. Stewart! Nailed it. Probably gonna be the best one in the set this year! Just amazing. I gotta say, Mr. Stewart, it was an absolute pleasure to work with you. A sincere pleasure (Clinkfield extends hand) …

Dave Stewart turns around and walks away.


Ben Henry said...

And here I was thinking that was Dave Stewart smiling.

Rookie said...

Dont know how i found it, but i have to admit - this was the right card to use for this.

Jason said...

I think the A's only signed Dave Henderson to act as a counterbalance to Dave Stewart.

The Baseball Guy said...

great job, this is hilarious

Marc said...

Stewart nomon MLBTV, know who turns him off? This guy! (thumbs pointed to myselk.)

ShaneK said...

Well played Ben, well played. I bet Mr. Stewart carries a wallet that says "Bad Motherf#@ker".