September 22, 2010

Edgar Martinez throws baseball, earth impacted beyond recognition

Edgar Martinez, 1996 Upper Deck

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this SPECIAL REPORT regarding GLOBAL IMPACT.

Apparently, Major League Baseball isn’t just for Americans anymore. Take Edgar Martinez for example, from Puerto Rico, which is part of America, technically, but not really. Martinez, seen here exhibiting his follow-through against the backdrop of the Puerto Rican flag so as to subtly signify his ethnicity, plays baseball professionally in Seattle, an American commonwealth.

The GLOBAL IMPACT of players like Edgar Martinez infiltrating American baseball is far-reaching. As recently as 1995, only four-percent of Greenland cared about baseball. But now that they are aware that a player like Edgar Martinez –- from America, sort of -- has participated in, and achieved success within American baseball, that percentage has reached, as of this morning, 100%. So Greenland is on board. That is called GLOBAL IMPACT. In fact, the only historical events that have surpassed “Edgar Martinez playing baseball for the Mariners” in their impact globally are: 1) the 1929 stock market crash, and 2) the gradual warming of the earth’s surface.

For more on this breaking story, let’s turn the card over…

batting leaders throughout the year.

You lost me at “batting.”

Also among the leaders was Alomar’s countryman, Edgar Martinez, who won the A.L. batting crown in ’95.

Hmmm. Using my superior knowledge of silly baseball card gimmicks, it appears as though this write-up regarding Edgar Martinez’s GLOBAL IMPACT is a continuation from Roberto Alomar’s GLOBAL IMPACT card. I must, therefore, read this card like I would a newspaper article –- a newspaper article that is continued on a different newspaper that I do not have. Fun! Let’s continue.

He also proved he can hit for power when needed by slamming three homers 7-6-96 to key a 9-5 win over the Rangers.

Edgar Martinez proved he can hit for power when needed. If you need a home run, Edgar Martinez will hit one. But only if you need one. If not, you’re getting singles and maybe a walk. This reminds me of something I always hear about current Mariner, Ichiro: He could hit a home run anytime he wanted! You should see him in batting practice! He just chooses not to hit them during games, because…whatever! If I were a Mariners’ fan, and if I were na├»ve enough to believe such things, I would be very upset. If you can hit a home run, regardless of whether or not you feel that your team needs one, and regardless of whether or not you feel like hitting one, you should hit a home run. Every time. (By the way, when Edgar Martinez and Ichiro were on the same team, the globe was impacted so drastically that it hailed in Chile for four days straight.)

Now, the big finish:

continued on card 203

Not even an ellipses? This is stupid.


smedcards said...

Was it so hard to put a ... somewhere, or not write a thesis on the back of baseball cards?

Trey said...

Keep them coming! These are great!

Mike said...

That's hilarious.

How did they get a picture of Edgar with a glove on?


"I must, therefore, read this card like I would a newspaper article –- a newspaper article that is continued on a different newspaper that I do not have."