July 24, 2008

A Woolly Mammoth Walks into Topps

This is on the bottom of every box of 2008 Topps Allen & Ginter. But did you notice who makes up Relics: Group B?

That's right. Woolly Mammoth. If we just suspend disbelief for a second, why does Mr. Woolly Mammoth get his own Group?

[phone rings]
Topps HQ: Hello?

W.M.'s Agent: Hi Jack, it's Herb. Look, Woolly's not feeling so good. He's not gonna be able to make it. He's tellin' me it's food poisoning or something.

Topps HQ: Herb, tell me you're kidding. Don't pull a Pete Rose on me now, buddy. Not now. Look, we got Megalodon to reschedule for this. And Abe Lincoln's people have been on my ass all week. Just give Mammoth an Alka Seltzer or something and tell him to be a man.

W.M.'s Agent: Jack, I'm telling you. He's in a foul mood. For one thing, the Four Seasons has already told me they're gonna charge us extra for the housekeeping. This New York weather is absolutely killing Woolly's fur. It's just coming off all over everything... Look, can't we just do it another day? How about Saturday?

Topps HQ: Herb, no. First of all, Eisner wants to be there, and he doesn't come in on the weekends. Second, do you want to take Mammoth down Broadway on a Saturday? Don't kid me, Herb. Let's not even go there. Third, Mammoth's gonna get out of bed and be down here tomorrow with the rest of Group A, so there's no point in discussing it further... Herb? You still with me?

[muffled talking on the other end. Woolly Mammoth takes the phone]

Woolly Mammoth: Now you listen to me, you little shit! You ever eat sushi on a Monday? No? Let me tell you something––don't do it! Herbie's been in here laying down newspaper all afternoon, God bless him. I'm not going down there tomorrow, I don't care who you got to reschedule. I ain't even getting out of bed. Megalodon can kiss my big furry ass! Herbie! You talk to him.

W.M.'s Agent: Look, Jack. You see what I mean? You don't want him in there tomorrow.

Topps HQ: Fine Herb, fine! We gotta make it Monday then. I'll book a sketch artist. Make sure Mammoth's there 10AM sharp. No bullshit on this Herb. We got a waiting list on this one that we'll tap if there's another screwup like this.

W.M.'s Agent: Great Jack. No problems. 10AM Monday it is.

Topps HQ: [sigh] OK... I guess we'll just have to call it 'Group B...'

[another phone rings in Topps HQ office]

Topps HQ: Herb, I gotta take this... Now Lincoln wants to bring his own makeup artist... Goddamn it...


(2 years ago I did a 6-Pack Analysis of 1989 Donruss. I think it's high time we brought that idea back. Starting later tonight: 2008 Topps Allen & Ginter 6-Pack Analysis.)

1 comment:

Scott said...

They tried to get Jar Jar Binks in Group B but they couldn't agree to terms. -Scott