January 19, 2011

The Personals

Steve Avery, 1992 Leaf "Studio"

Let’s visit Steve Avery in the Studio, where he enjoys relaxing and forgetting about baseball for a while by removing his baseball hat.

PERSONAL: Steven Thomas Avery bats left and throws left…He was born 4/14/70 in Trenton, MI, and now resides in Taylor, MI…He is single.

Ladies, please form a line to the left, which is the direction from which your potential suitor throws and bats. Now, do you girls like Trenton, Michigan? I caaaan’t heeeear youuuuu! Okay, good. Now raise your hand if you’ve dated a major leaguer before. Go ahead, don’t be shy … we’re gonna find out eventually. Okay, you ladies with your hands up? You can leave. Steven Thomas Avery may be the fourth starter in a powerhouse rotation, but he’s the only ace in his relationships.

UP CLOSE: Hobbies are golf and fishing

I am shocked. An Atlanta Braves pitcher enjoys golf and fishing? I honestly … I just, I’m speechless. Just when you think you have someone figured out. Golf and fishing? I had Steve Avery pegged for a “break-dancing and juggling” kind of guy.

…Favorite group is Tesla (hard rock);

Would you like a mulligan on that one, Steven? No? Nobody should have been asked to name his favorite group in 1992—it’s not fair. Still though, if you want to stick with Tesla, I guess that’s fine, too. It’s hard to argue with loving a band whose Wikipedia page has a section called, “Bust a Nut and hiatus (1994-1999).” I mean, how do you not take a hiatus after busting a nut?

dessert is strawberry cheesecake…Once worked as a lifeguard

This is tmi. I have a disturbing image in my head of Steve Avery sitting shirtless on a lifeguard stand, eating strawberry cheesecake, and listening to Tesla on his walkman.

Would most like to meet Abe Lincoln.

That is going to be difficult, Steven. I do enjoy, however, your clever avoidance of clichés. Everyone always goes with Taft.

So there you have it, ladies. He plays baseball, fishes, and golfs, so he’ll never be home. He was once CPR certified and he likes strawberry cheesecake. Put your best face forward—he’s not going to be single for long.


Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure we'll need to figure out a way to eliminate the skanks who want to date him only to get to Kent Mercker and Deion Sanders. There have got to be a bunch of those types of girls.

Anonymous said...

dude the 1991 studio was amazing, the first set to show us something different, the 92 studio was ok