October 30, 2014

Ring Leaders' Leaders

                                        Terry Pendleton, 1995 Stadium Club Ring Leaders

Stadium Club CEO, Hank Freck: Gentlemen, today is the first day of the rest of our baseball card lives. Today we begin designing the Ring Leaders series that is going to set the world on fire.

Stadium club execs: (cheer)

Hank Freck: I want no expense spared, and I want no wasted space. Whoever said "less is more" is a stupid dumbass.

Bill: Sir, didn't you say "less is more" when you started the comp-

Hank Freck: Shutup, Bill. Everyone? Bill is fired.

Bill: (cries) (escorted out by Stadium Club security, which is Hank Freck's 9-year-old son, Hank, Jr.)

Hank Freck: Listen up, everyone. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I want this set to include as much stuff as possible. We're gonna stuff the hell out of this [extended expletive]. Nothing is off limits. Think about everything you know about rings, and hit me with it.

Stadium club execs: ...

Hank Freck: Hit me with it ... NOW!

Fred: Uh, uh ... rings flying through the sky?

Hank Freck: Awesome, good start. That is something rings definitely do. Barb - write this stuff down. Anyone else?

Gary: How about an explosion?

Hank Freck: Explosions are good. Done and done. Gary, you just exploded yourself into a raise.

Phil: What about a ... a ... a bald eagle?

Hank Freck: For crying out loud, Phil ... you're a genius. THIS IS AMERICA.

Stadium club execs: (cheer)

Phil: And maybe the bald eagle is like, eating a giant ring?

Hank Freck: Okaaay, okaaaay. I'm with you ...

Phil: And like, holding a baseball with its bird claws or something?

Hank Freck: Phil, you talk. Barb, you write.


Hank Freck: Okay, sit down, Phil. Too far. You always go too far. Anyone else?

Bart: How about stars?

Hank Freck: Sure, why not. You can't have a ring without stars. That's just science. Oh and BY THE WAY, I don't want some professional "artist" (does air quotes) designing this thing. I want a real baseball fan, like, hey - Hank Jr., you up for this?

Hank Jr.: (picking nose) Duh, Dad. (under breath) Not.

Dave: Spaghetti and meatballs!

Hank Freck: Was that a suggestion, Dave, or do you have Tourette's?

Dave: Ummm, a suggestion?

Hank Freck: Charles, can we fit spaghetti and meatballs on this thing?

Charles: (furiously punches keys on computer) (dejectedly nods head "no")

Hank Freck: Dammit. Okay, well let's turn our attention to the back. So uh, what do baseball players win rings for? I literally have no idea.

Fred: All-Star games? Do they get rings for that?

Hank Freck: Seems right. Let's go with it.

Dave: Of course there's the famous batting title ring. That I know for sure.

Hank Freck: Makes sense. What about a bunting ring? Is there a ring for like, best bunter?

Stadium club execs: (shrug shoulders)

Hank Freck: Okay well let's play it safe then, and if a Ring Leader is also a good bunter, just feature him bunting while the bald eagle eats a giant ring behind him.

Charles: Guys, what about World Series rings? Are you gonna account for those?

Hank Freck: Uhhh, pretty sure they get hats for that, Charles. (under breath) Idiot.

Stadium club execs: (laugh at Charles)


The Junior Junkie said...

Nailed it.

mkenny59 said...

Ha, thanks, TJJ!

BaseSetCalling said...

I think you failed to discover the true mission of that baseball card. It's a secret message to the agents of the Illuminati. Someone will be visiting you, soon...

Jason Presley said...

It clearly says Hank Freck, but all I hear is Cave Johnson. We're done here.