May 22, 2014

The Tonic

Jay Howell, 1989 Score

Jay was just the tonic the Dodgers’ bullpen needed in 1988.

Tommy Lasorda: Our bullpen sucks!

Dodgers’ bullpen coach: If only we could find the right tonic.

Tommy Lasorda: (eats three pounds of pasta) (uses bathroom) (takes nap) (comes back to bullpen) Well?

Dodgers’ bullpen coach: Well what? Did you find the tonic?

Tommy Lasorda: Me? I was going to ask you the same thing. I’m the *** **** manager! I don’t find the tonic! I just play the tonic! Who’s responsible for finding the tonic around here?

Dodgers’ bullpen coach: I think Fred is.

Tommy Lasorda: (grabs bullpen phone) Fred? We need some *** **** bullpen tonic!

Dodgers’ bullpen coach: I think that phone just goes to the dugout.

He gave them the superb closer they had been missing in recent years after being traded from the Athletics at the end of ’87.

Fred: Everyone, meet Jay Howell, our new tonic.

Dodgers’ bullpen coach: Hello, Jay. 

Tommy Lasorda:

Fred: I firmly believe Jay is the superb closer we’ve been missing in recent years after being traded from the Athletics at the end of ’87.

Tommy Lasorda: (jarred awake) What the hell was that sentence, Fred?

Fred: I just …

Dodgers’ bullpen coach: You went from Jay being the subject to the Dodgers being the subject back to Jay being the subject.

Tommy Lasorda: You made it sound like we’ve been missing a superb closer ever since we—the *** **** Dodgers—were traded from the A’s. Shit, Fred.

Fred: Listen, dickheads. I’m paid to go get tonics, not master English.

Jay Howell: Can I like, start warming up or whatever?

Lasorda: You shut your pie hole, tonic boy!

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Oh, hey, hi there. Sorry about that post. I know, it was dumber than ushe. Anyway, I wanted to let you all know that I wrote a new book (which, to the chagrin of very few, partially explains my lack of posting on this wonderful blog of late). It's called The Man in the Garlic Tuxedo and you can find out more about it here and maybe, I don't know, buy it? here. Like the previous book, it contains nothing about baseball cards, but maybe you will like it anyway because it is, I have heard, funny and good and nice. Please buy it. I am not good at promotion. Thank you.

1 comment:

troy said...

It all sounded totally realistic until Fred called Tommy Lasorda 'dickhead' and got away with it. That was when I realized you were making it up. Better luck next time!