August 14, 2013


 Alex Cole, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Outfielder Alex Cole looked off into the distance. The enemy troops were fast approaching. "It's okay," Alex Cole thought. "I have my bats."

Alex Cole envisioned a world of freedom, where it didn't matter if you were a position player or a pitcher, black or white, man or horse, gay or super gay or even straight, whatevs. Like he himself had written on his nation's "Declaration of Things," "This should be a place where everyone can just chill. Peace out, - AC."

But the enemy (Hater Nation) didn't want to chill. They wanted to fight. Alex Cole was cool with that, too. Because Alex Cole was a triple threat.

He could get mad, take a hack (with a bat or axe).

He could rest on one knee and observe (like a general).

He could bunt.

So on that fateful day, as a nation looked on with both hope and trepidation, its leader, outfielder Alex Cole, turned around to speak, his imposing presence amidst the backdrop of a partly cloudy sky.

"Gentleman," he began, " ... and chickenheads HOLLA just playin'. For real though - today is a day that will live on in history, the day we stood our ground and earned our everlasting freedom once and for all! So grab your bats, make sure your wraparound glasses are super-tight, and let's do this, son! Also, if anything should happen out there - like if this gets out of control and sh*t goes DOWN - my hat says No. 2. So somebody find it and bury me with it, aiiiiight?"

No comments: