June 19, 2013

Local SS/2B Arrested

SAN DIEGO - San Diego County police arrested Roberto Alomar, 20, May 28 for failure to yield and possession of illegal fireworks.

Alomar failed to adhere to a yield sign while merging onto highway whatever (doesn't matter). Police became suspicious because Alomar is Hispnaic was wearing a full baseball uniform. Police questioned Alomar about his attire by asking, "Why are you wearing that uniform? It's three o'clock in the morning." Alomar reportedly responded by saying, "I'm just trying to transport these fireworks across the border I mean I was taking extra infield practice."

When police asked Alomar to exit the vehicle, he became agitated and began yelling, "Do you know who I am? I'm a *** d*** RATED ROOKIE."

Police, unsure what this meant, searched underneath Alomar's hat, where they found a rare and endangered newborn Indian Eyed Turtle, which had been reported missing from the San Diego Zoo the previous day. The fireworks were in plain sight, on the lap of a mannequin in the front passenger seat that Alomar claimed he frequently rides with in order to use the HOV lane.

While being read his rights, Alomar spat at police.

"Predictable behavior from the average non-yielding, fireworks trafficker," said Sgt. Dalembert Samuel.

Also, there was a dead body in the trunk. Alomar later confirmed the lifeless body was merely a metaphor for his future with the Mets.

Alomar was transferred to San Diego Central Jail, where he remained for six hours before being bailed out by local hothead Larry Bowa, who was also, strangely, dressed in a full baseball uniform.

Alomar was fined $12,000 and sentenced to 120 days of community service. And also death. He won his appeal and will be in the starting lineup this evening, batting second.

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