Oldies But Goodies (For 1/2 Season)

Terry Kennedy, 1991 Score

Terry Kennedy the baseball player -- not Compton Ass Terry -- was an old farty farthead who took naps while watching golf and who would have been the oldest baseball player who ever lived were it not for his Giants teammate, Gary "Old Man" Carter.

For two old guys, the catching tandem of Gary Carter (36) and Terry (34) did very nicely, thank you, in '90.

I am 34 years old myself and let me just tell you --                                    oops forgot what I was going to say. THAT'S how old I am. Where are my pants?

Seriously though, where are my pants? Seriously seriously though, age ain't nuthin' but a number (h/t Aaliyah or Mary J. Blige, one of them), and what really counts in the big scheme of things is craftiness, which is an intangible possessed by old people who are too freakin' lazy to exert physical effort.

Together, these two crafty catchers

It's a darn good thing these two elderly men did not try to outcraft each other. CRAFT-OFF!

Carter: Hold on there, rook. Let's work smarter, not harder. Might want to decide at what angle you want to get that couch out the door before you go thrashing it around like that. You're gonna throw your back out.

Kennedy: Listen, old man. Why don't you go check that paper over there. I already diagrammed the degrees at which we need to pivot to get this beauty out the door and into her new home. Took me all night, not that you would know, since you fell asleep watching "Matlock" ... AGAIN.

Carter: First of all, I was just resting my eyes. Second, not really sure I need to check a diagram from a guy who can't even pick an absent-minded rookie off first.

Kennedy: I don't make the calls, Gary the Elder, I just do my job. Rook was out by a half-step at least. You know it, I know it.

Carter: Welp, if you had spent any of your, what -- 14 years in the bigs? -- developing any kind of rapport with the men in blue like a good catcher should, you might have gotten the call.

Kennedy: Are you going to help me with this couch or what?

Carter: I was thinking -- it might be easier to take the door frame off ...

totaled 30 years of experience.

I just don't think "zero dropoff in experience between starting and backup catchers" is something general managers are targeting much these days, to everyone's great chagrin. Personally, I hate when my favorite team removes it's old catcher and inserts a younger catcher or vice versa. Even medium-age catchers are like, eh.

Best of all,

This is the best part.

Carter batted .302 and Terry hit .281 by mid-season.

That was the best part of ALL of this. That Gary Carter hit .302 and Terry hit .281 "by mid-season." What happened after mid-season? Don't know; doesn't matter. It's not the best part. The batting average by mid-season (BABMS) of two absurdly old catchers is what we're talking about here, nothing else. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find my pants.

The Emmisary of Class

Alex Rodriguez, 2005 Topps

What makes a classy emissary? Excellent question, me.

Emissary is defined by the Internet as "A person sent on a special mission, e.g., as a diplomatic representative, or a shortstop turned third baseman." Classy is like when you are formal but without even trying or whatever. Put those two together and you have one classy-ass emissary.

Say it's 2004. Who do you think are the classiest emissaries of baseball right now? Remember, it's 2004. Billy Crystal? Ozzie Smith? Craig Counsel? All excellent, albeit wrong, guesses. Let's look at the back of this Alex Rodriguez baseball card and see if there are any clues. Why an Alex Rodriguez card? That in itself is a clue. Try and stay with me here.

Upon leaving Texas for NYC in an astonishing 2004 trade

Quick aside: I was in IKEA with my wife the day after the trade happened, and it wasn't until I walked past a copy of that day's Daily News while making my way through a barrage of fake kitchens did the trade really sink in GET IT? Neither here nor there, but I mention this only to remind everyone that IKEA is the worst.

Alex was called by Ranger's manager Buck Showalter "a good man with a pure heart."

That sounds like faint praise for a neighbor who was accused of shoplifting socks rather than a parting shot for a baseball player who just completed three consecutive seasons of 50+ home runs. Was it this early in his career that people were playing the role of Alex Rodriguez apologist as it pertained to his motives?

Reporter: Buck, now that he's gone, a lot of guys in the locker room are saying that Alex Rodriguez was a bad person with a black heart and also that maybe he eats kittens. Can you speak to that?

Buck Showalter: Not gonna take the bait, Karl. Alex is a good man with a pure heart.

Indeed, A-Rod is not only a great player, but one of the game's classiest emissaries.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Alex Rodriguez kneels before MLB Commissioner Bud Selig, head down

Selig: Wearing old British powder wig, holding baseball bat. And I hereby dub thee, Alexander Rodriguez, classy emissary of Major League Baseball. Taps each shoulder with bat.

Rodriguez: Rises slowly. It is an honor and a privilege, good sir. Oh, one thing I forgot to mention earlier ... not sure if it's a big deal or whatever, but ... I kind of did a bunch of steroids a while back ... we cool?

Selig: Hmmm. Were they absorbed in a classy manner?

Rodriguez: Oh no doubt. I wore a bow tie every time while using scientific terms like buttocks.

Selig: Then I see no issue. Now go forth on your special mission as a diplomat of this fine game, and preach its good tidings while maintaining your dignit-- wha ... what are you doing?

Rodriguez: Oh, just kissing myself in the mirror. Why, what's up? Were we not finished?

Cap'n Red Hat and the Black Dirt Chronicles of Effort

Mike Schmidt, 1989 Topps Cap'n Crunch

What's left to say about Mike Schmidt? He played for the team with the red hats. He enjoyed/was sponsored by Cap'n Crunch breakfast cereal. These are the two most common things people know about Mike Schmidt. "Is there anything else I should know?" you ask. Great question. Not really.

Unless ... do you like the Internet? Because guess what? Mike Schmidt has a website.

Here is the header/tagline/whatever you call that thing that appears on the very top of the browser of Mike Schmidt's website:

The best of the Sports Stores is Mike Schmidt Fan Shop; compare to the other Sports Stores, Sports Stores, Sports Stores and see.

There is no doubt we are required to do some comparison here. But before we do that -- and we won't do that -- the homepage features a very important quote by Mike Schmidt which, judging from the picture, he first uttered while hitting a home run over the Liberty Bell and winning America her freedom from France or whatever.

"If you could equate the amount of time and effort put in mentally and physically into succeeding on the baseball field and measured it by the dirt on your uniform, mine would have been black." -- Mike Schmidt

This is a very long quote that I had originally and mistakenly attributed to Winston Churchill. I think we've all wished, at one point or another in our lives, that effort could be manifested through dirt on our bodies. Effort, however, is typically only manifested by results, and unfortunately for Schmidt, he has only his 500 home runs and Hall of Fame career to serve as an indication that he did, many times, practice baseball. I also was not aware that brown dirt on top of more brown dirt will become black dirt. I thought it would just mean more dirt.

The point is that: hey you -- dive for that ground ball! Don't stand there and let it go by you because you don't want your uniform to get dirty like so, so, so, so, so, so many other baseball players. When you do that it looks like you're not trying. Do you even like baseball? Oh ... you don't? Then why are we even out here? I'm sorry; this is my dream, not yours. Let's go to the movies.

(If you are skeptical as to Mike Schmidt's belief in dirt, scroll over the Mike Schmidt logo on the website and experience the puff of dirt that magically appears. Don't worry though -- you won't get dirty.)

The other point is that: hey you -- buy some sports apparel and memorabilia at Mike Schmidt's online store! Don't just be all browsin' around without getting your uniform dirty (metaphor for consumer purchase).

It's uncertain what role, exactly, Cap'n Crunch played in the creation of mikeschmidt.com. It's possible that this card and Mike Schmidt's website are mutually exclusive. But who knows? The long arms of Cap'n Crunch spread wide across corporate America.

Fun City

Baseball card companies had a big ol’ field day when Michael Jordan decided to play baseball. (Michael Jordan was a basketball player.) And by baseball card companies I mean fake baseball card companies.

Years ago I wrote about the faux 1986 Topps Jordan card in which his basketball statistics are converted into baseball statistics (!!!). Also on that card, his hat is falling off as he is taking batting practice and he is making a weird face like he’s playing baseball for the first time in 20 years while also having sex. I have yet to determine why 1986 became the year of choice for Michael Jordan baseball cards since it was not his rookie year, or the year he decided to play baseball, or of any significance, really, in his career up to that point except that it was the only year he was ever injured. The random year chosen for his baseball cards only serves to reaffirm my suspicions that Michael Jordan playing baseball never really happened and it was all a dream, and you are dreaming now. Don't wake up though, I'm not finished.

In the interest of producing more 1986 Michael Jordan baseball cards for an insatiable nation, Donruss stepped up to the challenge. And by Donruss I mean “Fun City Cards.”

Listen, I’m going to be honest here. This is the greatest back of a fake baseball card that contains basketball statistics I’ve ever seen (except for the aforementioned card in which Michael Jordan’s basketball statistics are converted into baseball statistics), and I’m not just saying that. Has there ever been less frills on the back of a card?

Fun City intern: Boss, I'm going to increase the font size of Michael Jordan's name to take up some white space. Here, look ...

Fun City boss: BOLD IT CAPS IT THIS IS FUN CITY NOT BORING CARD TOWN!

You would think a card from a “company” called Fun City Cards would have a lot of zany, distracting stuff, like pictures of cartoon elephants dunking basketballs while hitting baseballs with their trunks and riding skateboards or something. I don’t know—that was just an image that came to mind. Or maybe some balloons? Or at least some color. I love the irony of it all, is what I'm trying to say.

Take me down to the fun city
Where the basketball players play baseball
And the cards are shitty

-- Funs & Poses

It should also be mentioned that Michael Jordan was a "Rated Rookie." This is, for me, where Fun City Cards really took it to the next level ... of copyright infringement. How fast did Donruss sue Fun City? Three seconds? Four seconds? Or is this like a bootleg movie that there's really nothing you can do about except ignore? All I know is, I Googled "fun city cards" and nothing came up except an ebay link to this very card, which is going for $1 and has zero bids. That may not seem like a lot, but in Fun City houses only cost 75 cents and there are no property taxes and it's always happy hour and Michael Jordan plays every sport.