Blue Collargram

Gary Gaetti, 1989 Sportsflics

According to Wikipedia, Gary Gaetti was ALSO KNOWN AS “G-Man,” “Rat,” or “Zorn.” “G-Man” because the first letter of his first and last name was G; “Rat” because he was like a rat; “Zorn” because he was like a zorn. I did not look any of this information up; it’s common knowledge.

According to Sportsflics, which is a brand of baseball cards that utilizes advanced hologram technology to portray a player’s face AND swing, provided you “flic” it accordingly, Gary Gaetti was a baseball player. More:



Gary,

Sportsflics is on a first-name bases with Gary Gaetti. I used “bases” there instead of “basis” because we’re talkin’ baseball. Holla if ya’ hear me.

a hard-working, popular power hitter

Where is the love for the lazy, unpopular, singles hitter? I think these types of players are very underappreciated, and although I don’t want to take anything away from Gary Gaetti, I felt it important to mention that, as nobody else seems to want to. Thank you.

who plays impeccable defense at third base

“Impeccable” is a strange adjective when used to describe third base defense. According to Webster’s Dictionary, impeccable is defined as, let’s assume: “without peccs.” In 1986, Gary Gaetti committed 21 errors, and although I don’t think that does much to take away from his defensive prowess, I think we can all agree that amounts to some peccs. Just saying.

he was one of the fuses that lit the rocketing Twins in 1987.

“Twins, a.k.a. Rockets, rocket to World Series title thanks to figurative fuses lit by fuse player Gaetti and other fuses” was the blaring headline from the Minneapolis Star-Tribune in the fall of ’87. This begs the question: Can a team have too many fuses? I say yes. Too many fuses and all of a sudden your favorite baseball team is rocketing in circles and then crashing. Also, the players in question have to be good fuses and NOT players with a short fuse, which can often be confusing for general managers. For example, Nyjer Morgan once short-fused a minor league team on a rocket to the moon, where they remain stranded, although they have reportedly created a new game called “moonball,” which is awesome. Anyway, where were we?

“Gaetti is a blue-collar third baseman,” said teammate Roy Smalley.

Gary Gaetti brings a lunch pail with him everyday to work. Work is third base. At the end of the sixth inning, Gary opens his lunch pail and eats his lunch, which is a banana and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that his wife made, with a note that says, “Go get ‘em, Rat! I love you! Please pick up milk on your way home … smooches.” For playing third base for the Minnesota Twins, Gaetti earned, in 1989 alone, a very blue-collar $2,400,000, although he would have played for free, due to his blue-collaredness.

“He plays hard, he plays hurt. He rolls in the dirt—

I’ve heard the sentiment of a player who is willing to get his uniform dirty—to be quite honest, I have never heard of player who is openly unwilling to get his uniform dirty; pretty sure MLB has washing machines—but never have I heard of player SO blue collar that he will roll around in the dirt for the sole purpose of getting his uniform dirty, thus putting to rest any preconceived notions of him being a pretty boy.

Pre-game stretching; Gary Gaetti rolling around infield dirt …

Roy Smalley: Yo, G-Man! What are you doing over there?!

No response; Gaetti continues to roll in dirt.

Smalley: Freakin’ Zorn, man. That dude is like a rat, I swear.

Allow me to end with a poem:

He works hard, he plays hurt
He rolls in the dirt
You would think his name is Bert
He doesn’t wear a skirt
He lights my fuse.