November 22, 2011

Mullet: Hero of Cucamonga

George Brett, 1987 Kraft Dinners

Today we continue our sporadic series of “Cards I cut out of boxed food products.”

Kraft Dinners presents …. Home Plate Heroes! So get this—on one hand, “Home Plate Heroes” works because we’re talking baseball, a sport in which one of the bases is home plate and, because the game is our National Pastime, a sport in which those who excel are considered heroes. But, on the other hand, “Home Plate Heroes” also works because Kraft Dinners can conceivably be served on a plate … at home … BY YOUR HERO, who in this case would be your mother (not pictured) for showing great bravery in serving you a boxed Kraft dinner product that contains processed cheese produced in a factory outside of Cleveland and which is 97-percent magnesium chloferate ensol byproduct, or, as translated by Kraft for the layperson, “Real, natural cheese!”

Home Plate Hero George Brett (pictured) is seen here heroically looking off into the distance while trying not to chew the tobacco in his mouth for the purposes of maintaining his hero status. As you can see, he plays for the blue team, described below the photo as the “Kansas City Royals,” whatever that means. It should henceforth be known that Kraft Dinners maintains no affiliation with Major League Baseball or its subsidiaries and is FDIC insured and the side effects of thinking otherwise include headache and diarrhea, in which case contact your physician and lawyer. Don’t be fooled by the apparent MLB symbol in the upper right-hand corner; that is only the symbol for the Major League Baseball Players Association, who apparently have their own symbol and who own the copyrights to this beauty right here so BACK OFF. Also, George Brett and/or Kraft have never represented Major League Baseball, properly exemplified by the following scenario:

Major League Baseball 1987 Gala of Heroes, Sponsored by Kraft

Guy dressed in Kraft costume that is a giant noodle dripping cheese: How ‘bout that George Brett, huh? Heckuva player …

Major League Baseball Players Association Executive Director Donald Fehr
: Indeed. Heckuva guy, too. Loves cheese. A true home plate hero.

Guy dressed in Kraft costume that is a giant noodle dripping cheese: (stiffly turns to his left) How ‘bout that George Brett, huh? Heckuva player …

Major League Baseball Commissioner Peter Ueberroth: Never heard of him.

If you would like to know more about George Brett, for example, “What are some of his 1986 statistics?” and, “Screw it, just give me his major league totals already!” please reference the data below his handsomely stubbled glam shot. For more personal information, let’s check the back of the card …

Ha, ha! For reals? I never knew that!

According to Wikipedia, George Brett’s nickname is/was “Mullet,” which I have never, ever heard him referred to as in my life, but then again, whatever. I don’t believe his mullet even approached the magnificence of some others from that era, so I don’t know where that nickname comes from, and Wiki surprisingly offers no explanation. These days, George Brett is the perpetually tan co-owner of the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes, a team that, like their owner, wears hats. I trust all of this information has been helpful.


Sean said...

I ate a lot of Kraft dinner in 1987 just to get those cards. I think I amassed a couple dozen or so, I definitely didn`t have the Brett.

They were looked down on by the other kids at recess. I was living on an American air base in Germany at the time and the commisary didn`t stock regular baseball cards so these were the only ones I could get. The other kids had their their Topps and Donruss cards that they had brought with them from the states and they`d stand around trading them. Then they`d see me, the Canadian kid whose home country didn`t have Topps or Donruss, sasheying along, fistful of Kraft cards - easily identifiable due to my hamfisted scissor skills - in hand. They`d then close up the circle tight and shut me and my Kraft cards out completely.

I think I still have them somewhere. Strawberry, Clemens, Murphy, Davis. Love those cardbacks.

mkenny59 said...

Sean, thanks for sharing that, and for making me feel bad for poking fun at a series of cards that are close to your heart for personal reasons. Ha ... seriously though, your commitment to having baseball cards by any means necessary, and amidst the snickers of local youth, is quite admirable, and your experience reads like a chapter from Josh Wilker's "Cardboard Gods."

Also, "hamfisted scissor skills" is a trait we both share, and a phrase that I would like to use more often. Thanks again!