October 12, 2011

The Store Run

Jose Canseco, 1987 Drakes

Mom, here's what I need you to do. Go to the store like, now. Get something Drakes, okay? Drakes Cakes, Yodles, Donut Delites, those freakin' Fruit Pies with the cherry or apple real fruit filling ... real fruit. Pfft. Like Drakes is pulling apples off the vine at some Midwest farm and stuffing them into processed sugar pockets, am I right, mom? Ridiculous.

Ya' know what though? Get the Fruit Pies. I'm feeling them, the more we're talking about it. Alright, so you get the Fruit Pies. MAKE SURE they feature the "7th Annual Collector's Edition 'Big Hitters!'" It should say it on the front. If it doesn't say "Big Hitters," DON'T GET IT! Honestly, if you come home with Drakes Fruit Pies and there's no "Big Hitters" in there, I will throw a Fruit Pie at you. Really. I'm sorry, but I will. Also, listen -- how much money are you working with on this trip? One bill? Two? Cause here's the thing -- I'm looking for the Canseco. Dude's legit, mom. And I need to increase my odds. So get as many Fruit Pies as you can. If you need to, forget about the milk. Milk is gross anyway. I really don't understand how milk became a standard American beverage. It's white goo from a cow's utters. That's freakin' disgusting, mom. It's not your fault -- don't get me wrong. You're just doing your job, I know. I'm just sayin.'

Anyway, so here's what's gonna happen, ideally. You're gonna come home with some Fruit Pies. I'm gonna tear that shizz open. Bam -- there's Canseco. I'm a be like, "MOM, GET ME THE FREAKIN' SCISSORS!" Gonna cut that thing with the precision of a surgeon.

Then, I'm gonna add it to the collection. Dudes are gonna be mad jeals, know what I'm saying, mom? Word. Then, to celebrate, I'm gonna eat a Fruit Pie. Maybe two. I don't know. You're gonna be like, "Don't ruin your dinner!" I'm gonna be like, "Whatev, mom -- chill." You're gonna be like, "Wait until daddy gets home!" Then I'm gonna tighten up a bit. You got me, mom. You got me. For reals. You're the best, mom. I love you.

Mom, also -- get some Lunchables.

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