December 08, 2010
UD3 & The Establishment
Kenny Lofton, 1999 UD3
Do you like baseball? Do you like technology? Do you like colors and shapes and lines and dots and stuff? Do you like half a pair of sunglasses? Do you like Kenny Lofton? Do you like looking at something that is so overloaded with data and sensory devices that you feel as though you are being transported into another dimension? No? Maybe? You’re not sure? Possibly? Well then have I got the card for you!
This card looks like something Kanye West would wear to the Grammys. Here are the thoughts that go through my head as I look at this card: Red means stop, green means go. Circle. Green blinds. I am blind. Star! Linear. That’s all folks! Lightening. Inception. And so on and so forth. All of these things serve as an adequate distraction from the reality that one is holding a 1999 Kenny Lofton card, and not a 1994 Kenny Lofton card, or a (any year) (any other player) card. Still, it’s a little much.
This is part of the UD3 series, Upper Deck’s ULTIMATE EXTREME experiment to fuse together everyone’s two favorite things: 1) baseball, and 2) random objects that seemingly serve to represent advancements in technology. Also, take note:
Upper Deck, UD3 and the card-hologram combination are trademarks of The Upper Deck Company, LLC.
In layman’s terms this means: In the event that you have not spontaneously combusted or simply stopped liking baseball altogether as a result of viewing this card, we do not recommend that you attempt to copy this formula in order to make a profit, as it is not only illegal, but also harmful, as replicating this card correctly involves traveling to the year 2002, a time in which we live in a linear universe and Kenny Lofton is known as “The Establishment.” THAT is how far ahead of our time we are. You’ve been warned. Sincerely, Upper Deck.
By the way, I twisted this card every which way and it is not a hologram. At least not in the sense that it reveals a different but equally impossible-to-distinguish image. Like a real hologram should. Kind of makes me miss the good ol' days.