Scoring: The two cards go head-to-head in each of the eleven categories, with the victor of each category winning a point. Extra points available where noted.
• Teamwork Extra points for symmetry (even if entirely coincidental)
• Coach Attire Extra points for eccentricity and/or coordination
• Uniforms
• Background
• Personnel
• Floating Heads Extra points if heads constitute borderline religious experience
• Card Design
• Photo Quality
• Number of Players
• Special Notation of Futility
• World Champions
1967 Reds (3) vs. 1987 Guides (14)
Teamwork: Those Guides sure do know how to form straight lines. God, they hurt my eyes. Plus, no real symmetry to speak of. Too bad, because the Reds out shine them on all fronts: four clean rows (if a little jumbled on which way to lean), symmetrical batboys, and the eye tricks you into thinking that all the rows are even, even though they’re not. 1967 Reds: 3 points | 1987 Guides: 1 point
Coach Attire: OK, stop me if you’ve heard this one: A high school science teacher, a janitor and a gym teacher buy a minor league baseball team…seriously, did they bother telling them they were going to have their photo taken? I don’t know. Eccentricity is one thing, but stupidity is something else entirely. The Reds win this category almost by default, even though one guy’s in a suit with a Reds cap on, and the two equipment managers are dressed like ice cream truck drivers. 1967 Reds: 3 points | 1987 Guides: 2 points
Uniforms: I bet you five bucks that if you walked into a Cheap Jack’s in New York or the Ragstock in Madison, Wisconsin, there’s a very good chance you’d find a Maine Guides jersey for sale amongst the ill-fitting semi-pro Japanese baseball jerseys that are cool and retro. The same cannot be said for the Reds uni: it’s a classic and should not be toyed with. What the Red ought to do is create a longsleeve shirt that’s white on the body and red on the sleeves. I might buy one of those. 1967 Reds: 3 points | 1987 Guides: 0 points
Background: More mellow yellow for the 1967 Reds, while the Guides pose in a non-descript minor league stadium. 1967 Reds: 2 points | 1987 Guides: 1 point
Personnel: 1967 Reds: Rose, Osteen, Maloney, guy in a suit and a Reds cap. 1987 Guides: I don’t know, but the coaches look like they’re on their break from the local high school or prison. 1967 Reds: 2 points | 1987 Guides: 0 points
Card Design: The Reds card benefits from the dropped-out type effect of the 1967 set. The Guides card has no overall design. 1967 Reds: 2 points | 1987 Guides: 0 points
Photo Quality: The Reds photo is actually a pretty good photo. You can even make out everyone’s facial features. You can make out the facial features of the guys on the Guides, but I don’t know if you’d want to. 1987 Guides: 1 point | 1967 Reds: 2 points
Number of Players: The Reds pack 39 individuals into their photo, while the Guides packs a streamlined punch of 31 players, coaches, prison guards, janitors, batboys and gym teachers. 1967 Reds: 2 points | 1987 Guides: 1 point
Total Score: 1967 Reds: 19 points
1987 Guides: 6 points
It’s an old-fashioned thrashing! Yee-haw!
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