Wouldn’t it be cool if you could call up a major league manager whenever you had a big decision to make? Or if you could hire one out for the day and he would show up in his uniform, with spikes, and just follow you around everywhere, offering advice and constantly giving you weird hand signals? I think that would rock. If it were really something you could do, I would want Earl Weaver to follow me around. And if Earl weren’t available, I’d want Al Lopez.
Imagine it, you’re behind a lady at the corner store and she’s paying in nickels and pennies and you go to Lopez for the sign and he flashes you ‘steal’. Then, if the guy behind the counter chases you out, Al could distract him with an argument or by kicking dirt on the guy’s shoes.
They could be called Decisions for Hire, or something like that, and could be available as legal representation, or to take the heat for you when you fuck up. I personally think it would be great to be able to screw up dinner and then have Joe Torre hold a press conference and deflect the fault away from me.
Getting a personal manager would be just like being a child again. Don’t want to go to work? Get Zim to call in sick for you. Need to practice spitting? I just saw LaRussa amble by; I’m sure he’s free. Couldn’t secure a clown for your kid’s birthday party? There’s nothing like an afternoon with Frank Robinson. Don’t know where your motivation’s gone? There’s a whole stable of inspiring pep talkers just a phone call away.
Besides, if they don’t give good advice, or if you have an especially bad day, you can always fire them. And if that’s your thing, just ask for ‘The Fire Sale’, Jim Lemon and Billy Martin—two for the price of one!