Spuds MacKnowledge

Chris Sabo, 1989 Fleer

I think I know enough about Chris Sabo. Maybe not as much as his mother (is she still alive? I have no idea) or his wife (did he ever marry? Beats me), but still. I know he played for the Cincinnati Reds, and helped them win a title in 1990, and that he played third base, and that his name was Chris Sabo. In fact, yeah, ya’ know what? I’m feeling pretty confident right now. Quiz me:



DID YOU KNOW?

Did YOU know? Shut-up! What’s the question?

Nickname is Spuds…

Yeah, I knew that! Well, kind of. I think I knew that at some point, but maybe I forgot or something. Thank you though, for the detailed explanation as to why he was called Spuds. Sheesh. It’s not like you don’t have enough room there in your “Did you know?” box. Let’s go to the source:

Reds manager Pete Rose gave Sabo the nickname “Spuds” during his rookie season in 1988, citing a resemblance to a bull terrier character in Bud Light commercials named Spuds MacKenzie.

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Reds jog back into dugout after Chris Sabo makes a diving stop at third to end the inning

Pete Rose: Hey, nice play there…SPUDS! Looks around at rest of team for confirmation of his hilarity. Rest of team appears confused, several of the younger players laugh awkwardly, fearful they will be sent to Triple-A.

Chris Sabo: Than– wait, are you talking to me?

Rose: Yeah, yeah. I’m talking to you. You’re Spuds now! Get it?

Sabo: Not really. What?

Rose: You’re Spuds! Like Spuds MacKenzie -- that dog from the commercials. You look just like him! You got slanty dog eyes! Nobody ever told you that? Ha, ha…

Sabo: No, ummm…nobody ever told me that I look like a dog. But thanks. Just to be sure though, you’re talking about that dog, right? Points to Spuds MacKenzie poster hanging in dugout next to that day’s lines.

Rose: Yeah! Ha, ha! That dog is great, isn’t he?

Sabo: Skip, are you drinking Bud Light right now?

Rose: Geez, Spuds -- it’s the sixth inning already! The game’s almost over. What do you want from me?

End scene.

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Selected to NL All-Star team as rookie in 1988…

I think I knew that, in 1988. However, based on his pre- and post-All Star Game splits listed at the bottom of the card, I’m thinking that Chris Sabo should’ve never gotten off the hammock. Also, since he was an All-Star, did he sleep on the hammock during the game? I am confused.

Led Reds with 46 stolen bases in 1988…

I’m not sure if I ever knew that, but that is pretty darn good. I feel like I’m learning a lot about Chris Sabo today. This is a wonderful game. Tell me something else, and I will figure out if I knew that information already, and if I did, then I win! If I didn’t, then you win, but I learned, so I win, too! Go!

Wears glasses in field.

WHAT????!!!!!! I NEVER KNEW THAT EVER EXCEPT FOR EVERY TIME I HAVE EVER LOOKED AT HIM INCLUDING THE TIME I SAW THIS AD AND ALSO THE TIME I LOOKED AT THIS VERY CARD!!!! THIS INFORMATION IS UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Operation Scout-A-Lot

Derek Bell, 1992 Upper Deck "Scouting Report"

In the olden days, before computers and before the film “The Scout” -- starring Dudley Do-Right and Michael Rappaport -- exposed the complex inner-workings of the baseball establishment, rendering them obsolete, scouting reports were essential, and were the lifeblood of the industry. And there was one way and one way only to complete a scouting report correctly.

First, the assigned scout would travel to go watch a specific player. From the stands, and dressed in a janitor’s uniform so as not to be noticed, the scout would furiously jot down notes on flashcards, detailing the player’s performance and also his own gut instincts. (Ex. “Johnson leads off the 2nd with a single. My gut tells me that he likes cats better than dogs, but he’s scared to admit it. And that he’s good at hitting singles.”) After the game, the scout would approach the player, befriend him in a heterosexual manner, and then, using a Polaroid camera, take that player’s picture.

Upon his return to the organization for which he works, the scout would consolidate most of his flashcard notes onto one, better flashcard, using a complex rating system of 1-5, with “5” being the best. The scout would then sit as his trusty typewriter and type a quick summary of the player’s abilities as well as his own humble opinions. Finally, the scout would grab a clipboard, attach all of this information to it, and leave it in the manager’s office. The manager would review the report, makes notes of his own, if he so chose, with the pen provided by the scout, and then leave the clipboard in the general manager’s office. The general manager would review it, and then take a four-day weekend at Martha’s Vineyard for the purpose of considering whether or not he should send the scout out to watch the player again.

The entire process took a few years to complete, by which point the player in question was now a father of three and a veteran of a different major league ballclub. Thankfully, this card harkens back to those good ol’ days, when doing something meant something. Granted, Derek Bell had obviously already made it to the big leagues, but this scouting report is still useful even after the fact:



Note that the scout in question expects Derek Bell’s batting average to go up two whole rating points (!), based on the fact that two minor league batting titles clearly demonstrate Bell has the ability to hit for average. And not only is batting average super-duper-calafradgalistically important, but Bell would prove the scout right by hitting .334 for the Astros in 1995. The scouts’ gut instincts just didn’t inform him that Derek Bell would be on his third team by the time his average came around, because Derek Bell was kinda crazy.

Derek Bell will also, according to this scout, eventually get faster -- as we all do as we get older -- and will also get twice as better at fielding for reasons that are not specified. His skill at having an arm however, will remain at “3,” because, I mean, what do you want from a Derek Bell? God gave him a 3 arm, and that’s that.

Unfortunately for all involved, scouts had yet to develop a skill for “having the humbleness to compete for a job like everybody else after a season in which you hit .173, and not publicly declaring that you are shutting yourself down until an organization blindly gives you a roster spot based on your overall history of being a mediocre player and a crazy person.” For that, he would have received a “1.” Probably. I’m no scout though.

The flaming workhorse

Chuck Finley, 1996 Fleer

We’re all familiar with the popular saying, “Where there’s smoke, there’s heat. And where’s there’s smoke ‘n heat, there’s California Angels left-handed pitcher Chuck Finley.” Never, in my opinion, has this popular phrase been so well dramaticized than in this very card, which depicts Chuck Finley pitching amidst the backdrop of a fiery, pitchforky, dragon thingee. Translation: I’m Chuck Finley, and I’m coming straight outta hell to pitch against your ballclub. And I got some smoke n’ heat with me. You want some? Didn’t think so.

I would like to know more about this Chuck Finley fellow. For example, what are his hopes and dreams? Also, is he a workhorse? Possibly we can find out:



The big southpaw (6-6)

Indeed, I’m not sure anything better represents Chuck Finley’s bigness and left-handedness than his 6-6 record from an undetermined year/time period of his baseball career. Amazingly -- because I looked it up -- Chuck Finley was (is still???) six feet, six inches tall, which many people in the field of writing things correctly would write: 6’6”. That’s almost like 6-6! What a coincidence!

(Not a coincidence: All these sixes for a guy who pitches straight outta hell.)

is one of the American League’s most underappreciated workhorses.

Leave it to the American League to take their workhorses for granted…again. I mean, what else does a person who pitches a lot have to do to get some respect? Pitch better? Yeah, okay, maybe. But then they’d cease to be a workhorse in the traditional sense, and would instead become, most likely, a “really good pitcher.” And those guys get plenty of love. Sure enough, it’s 2010, and workhorses continue to lack in the appreciation department. I don’t see anybody throwing a parade for Kevin Millwood (190.2 IP, 4-16, 5.10 ERA). (By the way, in Greek mythology, the workhorse has the body of a horse and the head of Kevin Millwood.)

Possessing a solid fastball and a very effective split-fingered heater, Finley collected a career-high 195 Ks in 1995.

Listen, the last thing I want is to be accused of underappreciating Chuck Finley’s workhorseness. It’s just that, I don’t know…I guess I kind of figured that it would take more than “a solid fastball” and an “effective split fingered” fastball to inspire the damning flames of Hades. Personally, I would have reserved that type of hyperbole for like, Randy Johnson or something. Then again, if you consider not only his pitching, but also the tempestuousness of at least one of his former “flames,” then, well, yeah. It works.

After all, like my dad always said, you can’t cook up some love, or baseball, without what?

Smoke n’ heat, yo.

Most Valuable Trio

“MVP Lineup,” 1991 Upper Deck

What do you get when you throw together one affectionate African American fellow, one happy-go-lucky Dominican, one skeptically optimistic Caucasian -– all of whom have won MVPs, by the way -– a couple of bats and a glove? You get a good freakin’ time. That’s what. Headlock-hugs!

Also, if you’re the Chicago Cubs, you get a 77-83 record for the upcoming season. But no matter for Cubs’ fans, who care less about winning than they do about accumulating souvenirs:



The bleacher bums of Chicago’s Wrigley Field will have a lot more souvenirs this season since the Cubs’ signing of former Blue Jays’ slugger George Bell.

Congratulations, all of you hopelessly jobless yet endearing bums! As a collective group, you will most likely be afforded the opportunity to catch more home run balls this season, now that your favorite team has signed George Bell, who, from the looks of this card, is poised to hit 50 home runs! Or, eat a sandwich and take a nap. Either way, I’m sure the organization will produce a George Bell-themed throw pillow that you can purchase at the Cubs’ gift shop for the low price of $149.

The addition of the 1987 American League Most Valuable Player to a devastating lineup

The 1990 Chicago Cubs? 77-85. Devastating, indeed.

that already includes the 1987 National League MVP, Andre Dawson and the 1984 N.L. MVP, Ryne Sandberg gives the Cubs the first MVP trio in the same lineup since 1984.

As the old baseball saying goes, “You can never have enough pitching guys in your lineup who won MVPs anywhere from four-to-seven years earlier, and who are aging at the speed of the light.” (-Steve Phillips)

That year the California Angels stacked Rod Carew, Fred Lynn and Reggie Jackson against opposing pitchers.

The 1984 California Angels? 81-81. Carew, Lynn & Jackson v. opposing pitchers = draw.

Bell, Dawson and Sandberg may also become the second teammate trio in baseball history to hit forty or more homers in the same season, each having achieved that number once in his career.

Hey, why not? In fact, write it down. 120 home runs, in the books. After all, Ryne Sandberg just hit exactly 40 dingers in ’90, 10 more than his previous career high, and Andre Dawson hit 49 in ’87, 17 more than his previous career high, and George Bell is coming off a 21-home run season, so it makes sense to bring up the possibility of all of them hitting 40 home runs each in 1991, because they are older, and…wiser, at hitting home runs. It’s just like 2010, when Paul Konerko, Manny Ramirez, and Andruw Jones each hit 40 home runs apiece for the White Sox. Besides, these are Cubs fans, so it’s only fair to needlessly raise already false expectations. Speaking of…

Chicago fans are banking on their million dollar “MVP Lineup” to lead them to their first World Series appearance in 46 years.

Well, at least this lineup only cost, apparently, a million dollars. Too bad though, that they couldn’t help Cubs’ fans realize their obvious lifelong dream: getting to the World Series. If only someone were big enough to give an entire fan base a headlock-hug and a playful noogie.