The Great Experiment

Juan Samuel, 1991 Score

Where were you during the Great Juan Samuel Experiment?



The great experiment of making a center fielder out of Juan finally ended in mid-May ’90, when the Dodgers moved him back to second base, his original position.

I was finishing sixth grade during the Great Experiment. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was difficult for me to focus on my studies, obviously, what with Juan Samuel across the country, trying to adjust to a new position. I only wished I could have helped, somehow.

Every day I would watch the evening news intently, waiting for some indication that Juan Samuel was achieving at least minimal success as a center fielder. But Len Berman never thought to mention Juan Samuel -– he was the Dodgers’ problem now, Len Berman said with his silence -- and for me, no news was bad news.

Was he hitting the cutoff man accurately? How is his range? He needs to be a quarterback out there! These were the thoughts that occupied my mind, while my peers foolishly obsessed over girls and skateboards.

In my heart, I knew what the outcome would be. And so when I heard that the Dodgers had moved Juan Samuel back to second base, after a month-and-a-half of fly balls lost in the sun, and collisions with right and left fielders, and that time his pants fell down out of nowhere, I was saddened, yes, but also relieved. Second basemen, after all, play second base. Still, I wondered how this would affect Juan Samuel, a pawn in the game of the Great Experiment:

For Juan, it had been a humbling experience as his production dropped off dramatically.

Who can blame him? How can a man hit when he is being forced to play defense in an unfamiliar grassy area that defies his natural instincts? Who would blame me for being a poor husband were I ever forced to work on a Saturday? No one. That’s who. If only some happiness could have arisen out of the ashes of this misery…

Happily, Juan didn’t lose any of the skills on the bases.

Amazing. Juan Samuel –- held hostage by an organizational philosophy to mismatch players to positions –- somehow, someway, maintained his ability to run fast. I don’t like to throw the word hero around often, but…

When I think back and reflect upon the Great Experiment, I often wonder what, exactly, sustained Juan Samuel throughout. Was it his toughness? Sure. You have to be tough to catch fly balls instead of ground balls. Was it his aggressive, free-swinging ways and carte blanche attitude? Maybe. Although that probably didn’t help him break out of his offensive rut.

I think, in the end, what most sustained Juan Samuel during the harsh process of inevitable failure was something that defined him as a person: his courtly manners.

Juan, an aggressive free swinger, with courtly manners, was one of the league’s toughest hitters.

When asked several years ago during an interview with Time Magazine about the Great Experiment, Juan Samuel gently placed his salad fork on the outside of his silverware, took a bow, and said politely, “I’d rather not talk about it.”

Edgar Martinez throws baseball, earth impacted beyond recognition

Edgar Martinez, 1996 Upper Deck

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this SPECIAL REPORT regarding GLOBAL IMPACT.

Apparently, Major League Baseball isn’t just for Americans anymore. Take Edgar Martinez for example, from Puerto Rico, which is part of America, technically, but not really. Martinez, seen here exhibiting his follow-through against the backdrop of the Puerto Rican flag so as to subtly signify his ethnicity, plays baseball professionally in Seattle, an American commonwealth.

The GLOBAL IMPACT of players like Edgar Martinez infiltrating American baseball is far-reaching. As recently as 1995, only four-percent of Greenland cared about baseball. But now that they are aware that a player like Edgar Martinez –- from America, sort of -- has participated in, and achieved success within American baseball, that percentage has reached, as of this morning, 100%. So Greenland is on board. That is called GLOBAL IMPACT. In fact, the only historical events that have surpassed “Edgar Martinez playing baseball for the Mariners” in their impact globally are: 1) the 1929 stock market crash, and 2) the gradual warming of the earth’s surface.

For more on this breaking story, let’s turn the card over…



batting leaders throughout the year.

You lost me at “batting.”

Also among the leaders was Alomar’s countryman, Edgar Martinez, who won the A.L. batting crown in ’95.

Hmmm. Using my superior knowledge of silly baseball card gimmicks, it appears as though this write-up regarding Edgar Martinez’s GLOBAL IMPACT is a continuation from Roberto Alomar’s GLOBAL IMPACT card. I must, therefore, read this card like I would a newspaper article –- a newspaper article that is continued on a different newspaper that I do not have. Fun! Let’s continue.

He also proved he can hit for power when needed by slamming three homers 7-6-96 to key a 9-5 win over the Rangers.

Edgar Martinez proved he can hit for power when needed. If you need a home run, Edgar Martinez will hit one. But only if you need one. If not, you’re getting singles and maybe a walk. This reminds me of something I always hear about current Mariner, Ichiro: He could hit a home run anytime he wanted! You should see him in batting practice! He just chooses not to hit them during games, because…whatever! If I were a Mariners’ fan, and if I were naïve enough to believe such things, I would be very upset. If you can hit a home run, regardless of whether or not you feel that your team needs one, and regardless of whether or not you feel like hitting one, you should hit a home run. Every time. (By the way, when Edgar Martinez and Ichiro were on the same team, the globe was impacted so drastically that it hailed in Chile for four days straight.)

Now, the big finish:

One
continued on card 203

Not even an ellipses? This is stupid.

Interactivity, personified

Cecil Fielder, 1995 Upper Deck

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Where is Cecil Fielder? Well, if you look closely, and maybe squint your eyes a little bit, you will see him over there, in the center of the card. Outlined in pink. Perhaps then you will say, “But why is he outlined in pink?” Ha, ha, ha! Don’t be stupid.

This is part of the extremely popular Upper Deck “Collector’s Choice” series, which appealed unabashedly to its demographic via the use of pink squiggly lines and overloaded statistical data. This particular card is cleverly titled “HOME RUN.” A home run is what happens when a baseball player hits the ball over the fence. That is why you see Cecil Fielder here, hitting one of his monstrous home runs. If you happen to be mistakenly looking at this card upside down, and are confused by what you are seeing, because the card is upside down, you will still know that the card is entitled “HOME RUN.” This is a great feature for a card to have, obviously.

We also discover here that Fielder topped the Major Leagues in RBI from 1990-92. Cool! Now you may be saying to yourself, “Cool! How many RBI?” Ha, ha! You are a person of many inquisitions! That information however, will have to wait for the Internet. It's 1995, so the Internet should be ablaze with Cecil Fielder statistical data by now. Or, if you happen to have other, more normal Cecil Fielder cards, and a calculator, possibly you can add up these three-year totals and rest easy knowing the exact answer. (Nerd!) Until then, enjoy the action!

Whew. That was fun. Let’s turn this baby over, and see what else Cecil Fielder has in store:



Whoa! The back of this card is even more fun to look at if, in your own head, you make noises that go, “Zonks!” and “Boing!” and also “Ker-plunkers!” Because check it out –- you make the play! Yeah, you! Did you make the play yet? No? Well you should, because this card is so interactive! Seriously, you can do anything with this card. You can hold it. Or look at it. You can take it on the bus. You can put it away. You can pretty much do whatever you want!

So go ahead –- make the play! Who knows, maybe you’ll hit a HOME RUN!

Zonks!

Mr. Dreifort, if you're nasty

Darren Dreifort, 1999 Topps

Everybody in the entire universe knows that Darren Dreifort’s stuff is nasty. I mean, that’s common knowledge, right? Right. But the question remains: How nasty?



Featuring stuff nastier than a month-old oil spill, Darren “arrived” as a front-line starter in 1998.

Nastier than oil that’s been sitting around for a month, to answer your question. Indeed, this is the most apropos metaphor, as nothing is nastier than stale oil. It smells like fish and expired goat cheese and it gets moldy and it produces bubbles that, when they pop, release toxic fumes that smell worse than one of Darren Dreifort’s curveballs.

Neither Darren Dreifort nor this card could foresee that in the year 2010, it would become less politically correct to incorporate oil spill terminology into lighthearted discussions regarding the drastic movement on the pitches of certain baseball players. History has proven that a month-old oil spill is less “nasty” than it is “a horrible thing to have happened.” Sure, the disastrous Exxon Valdez oil spill occurred in 1989. But that was a full decade before the release of this card, which far surpassed the time restraints by which it is okay to use an oil spill as a baseball metaphor again. (The acceptable time is three years.)

I also must inquire as to why “arrived” is in quotes. I understand that “front-line starter” is not technically “a place” that you can physically “arrive” at, but c’mon. We are exhausting the boundaries here by which it is acceptable to use quotes. We might as well quote everything, Chris Farley-style.

Anyway, whenever it’s 1999, and I’m trying to gain additional valuable information on Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Darren Dreifort, I turn to the only viable source I know -- a former Pittsburgh Pirates player who retired in 1995:

Former star Andy Van Slyke has said of his ability. “He has so much movement and so much speed, you just throw out your bat and hope he hits it.”

Thanks Andy Van Slyke! You should be a hitting coach.

It is, I must admit, confusing to discuss Darren Dreifort’s pitching abilities while staring at a picture of him wielding a giant stick. But the card goes on to confirm:

Actually, Dreifort got a win with his bat before he did with his arm, pinch-hitting a game-winning single in his first ML at-bat in 1994.

I would argue that you have to use your arms to bat, but that is neither here nor there. It should also be mentioned that Darren Dreifort’s batting stance is filthier than a forest fire.

Grube

Kelly Gruber, 1989 Topps

What’s up, broskies? Grube here. How’s it hangin’? Short and to the left? Ha, ha! Gotcha! Grube style.

Me? Just maxin’ relaxin.’ Spent most of the offseason at the ski lodge in Vail. The ushe. Defeated some lame bros in the Annual Ski Slope Bonanza Tournament. Won it with my signature 360-reverse-spider-twist, but this year I added a little flava to it. Can’t explain it, really. You had to be there. So sweet though.

Some fine females there this year, too. Spent some time chillin’ with a nice chica named Kelly. Hottie. They dubbed us, “Kelly Squared.” Ha, ha. I didn’t really get it –- too mathy -- but, whatever. I told her to head to the T-dot-O-dot to check my swing, ya’ know, but she had to head back to her folks in SoCal. We’ll catch up on the road. What’s that? Details? Bro. For real? You know the Grube doesn’t kiss and tell! Let’s just say…what’d I hit last year? Sixteen home runs? Make it seventeen. Hit me off with hi-fizive! (Slap!)

Couldn’t BE more ready for the 8-to-the-9. This is my year, bro. Been workin’ with some baseball sage dude from like, Guatemala or something. He told me, it’s all in my head, ya’ know? Baseball, man -– it’s an emotional game. Last week he showed me how to catch a ground ball with my feelings. I’m not even thinkin’ anymore out there! Just letting my inner Grube take over. Put me down for 40 ding-dongs this year. Call the President. Tell him the Blue Jays are coming to the White House! I hope he likes birds. Blue ones.

And none of you muchachos better leave me hanging this year! Head out to the ballpark and cheer me on. Make a sign or something. Hey, here’s a good sign for ya’…check it out: “Who’s on third? Gruber!” Ha, ha! Get it? It’s a nod to that old Three Stooges bit where they can’t figure out who’s playing where, so they start hitting each other in the eyes! Hilarious. Plus, I play third base. So it makes sense. Topical, bro.

Anyway, wish me luck! Not that I need it. The Grube’s got this, bros. But still, wish me luck just in case. I like having those vibes on my side, ya’ know? I’ll check you broskies on the flipside, alright? Signing off,

Grube