April 13, 2011

The Benzinger Identity

Todd Benzinger, 1989 Fleer

Not to get all corny and stuff, but this—right here—is exactly how I would look, always, if I played Major League Baseball for a living. I would wear this exact smile on my face at all times, even during my at-bats. Of course, after batting .000 (but slugging .000) and having my smile become a source of discomfort for the more jaded players, I would be outright released. It would all be worth it, though. It would all be worth it.

Also, Matt Damon is slated to loosely portray Todd Benzinger in an upcoming action film called The Benzinger Identity, in which Todd Benzinger gets screwed over by the intelligence operation of the Red Sox front office, and seeks revenge by hitting home runs and killing a bunch of people and also he knows ju-jitsu. It has nothing to do with The Bourne Identity franchise.

Now, I know a little bit about Todd Benzinger, but not a lot. And by not a lot I mean barely anything. I am excited to find out more. You? Good.

DID YOU KNOW? Made successful move from outfield to first base in 1988 …

Wowzers! The move from outfield to first base has left a trail of broken careers and broken men. It’s totally different, mostly because there are no bases in the outfield, so you’re pretty much learning baseball from scratch. Todd Benzinger’s move from the outfield to first base was successful in that he literally did not die doing it.

70 RBI most ever in pro career …

Todd Benzinger’s 70 RBI are the most RBI that Todd Benzinger ever hit in Todd Benzinger’s pro career? That is crazy.

I am bored. Let’s go to Toddy Beezee’s Wiki page, yo.

As a member of the Red Sox, Benzinger is legendary

Hold on. I just want to cut it off there for a second. Let it sink in. Marinate. Take a breath. Now … I’m all for using terms loosely—I am legendary at using terms loosely—but, regardless of how this sentence achieves completion, this sentence is false.

for his clutch hitting during the Sox’ 1988 “Morgan Magic” run,

Surely, every true Red Sox fan joyously recalls the “Morgan Magic” run of 1988, which witnessed the team win 12 games in a row under then-interim manager Joe Morgan, who was not the real Joe Morgan (a good quality to have in a baseball decision-maker), but a regular ol’ white dude—a run that culminated in the team not winning the World Series that had eluded them since the year of 1918. Years and years of almost unbearable heartache were brushed aside when the team won 12 consecutive games one July, and at the forefront of this resurgence was Red Sox legend Todd Benzinger, who, as this card points out, hit .394 with a runner on 3rd base. I am getting goosebumps.

particularly his 10th inning walk-off HR on July 20th, 1988. This has been called “The Benzinger Game” by some Red Sox enthusiasts.

To highlight the silliness of this tidbit, I stopped a random Red Sox enthusiast on the street yesterday and asked him if he remembers “The Benzinger Game.”

His reply: “Are you serious, dude? July 20th, ’88. I was supposed to be there. Had to sell the tix cause my bee-otch girlfriend at the time wanted to celebrate the third month anniversary of our second kiss. Watched the game on the TV at Smitty’s while she yapped about something. But yeah—10th inning jack to extend Morgan’s Magic? I mean, how could I possibly forget that? Benzinger was a legend, man. Still is. I named my second son Todd because of that game. You know the guy hit .394 with a runner on third that year, right?”

Did you know?
Then he punched me in the face for calling him a Red Sox “enthusiast.”


SpastikMooss said...

Beautiful. That ending was so great!

LoCoDe said...

Todd Benzinger was a big fan of Paul Azinger, the PGA golfer.
Paul Azinger had no idea of this fact.

Oh yeah, "eluded" instead of "alluded". Sorry.

"cause my bee-otch girlfriend at the time "

We all know Red Sox enthusiasts don't have girlfriends!

mkenny59 said...

@Spastik: Thanks!

@LoCeDe: You are correct ... made the change. Thanks!

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