Choose Your Own Adventure... Fleer

Every Halloween for the last few years, the blog Thorzul Will Rule has hosted a custom baseball card contest. The Nightmares on Cardboard contest has seen some amazing submissions. Each year I am surprised at the creativity that goes into his readers' creations.

I'll admit I have entered a few times. I don't like to brag*, but I've won in the past. I was happy to find out that I won this year's contest too. I wanted to share my entry with the faithful readers of The Baseball Card Blog.

In the past, it would have been easy to share: One post, a few scans of custom cards. This year is a little more difficult... I made quite a few cards. If you read the contest results, you'll see that this year's victory was not much of challenge. There were only two entries. No offense to the runner-up (I loved - LOVED - his entry), but the PunkRockPaint team spent a lot of time and effort on our contest entry.

Each year, Thorzul picks a theme for the contest. The theme for this year's contest was "Fleer." I could think of nothing more horrific than 1991 Fleer. The boring design and the too-bright, yellow color made me hate this set the second it came out. I decided to share the horror with the world. I wanted to do something with cards that I had never seen before. After brainstorming ideas for a couple days, a lightning bolt of inspiration struck...

I decided to make a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards. Making custom cards is what I do. Writing is not my strong point. Luckily, PunkRockPaint's Vice President of Deep Thoughts, Michael Sherrillo, was willing to devote a few days of his life to help write the story. Since the contest is run by a Brewers fan, and we wanted the story rooted in history, I picked an actual 1990 game around which to base the story. July 23rd, 1990, a Brewers 13-0 victory over the Red Sox, was the game I chose. For the contest, each card was resealed into a separate wax pack of 1991 Fleer cards, stacked back in their original box.





It is a pretty entertaining journey (if I do say so myself.) Fans of the Milwaukee Brewers will find a couple of inside jokes (provided by PunkRockPaint intern and life-long Brewers fan, Matthew Schuster).



If you would like to check the set out, please go to the first card.


*Braggin

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 709

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.



You light and toss. No sooner do you say, “Right Field! Deer!” does a snap of Yount’s wrists send a flaming liner to right with a loud crack of the bat. The napalm ball roars like a burning comet directly toward zombie-Rob Deer. The creature looks up, raising his hands, as the ball hits him squarely in the chest and explodes out his back. It leaves a perfect flaming hole where his sternum used to be. The beast flails around as his clothes begin to catch. In seconds he is covered in flames, melting his subcutaneous fat, and turning into a roaring candle of flame.

  “Nice hit,” you say, as you light another ball. Surveying the field, you toss the ball, and say, “Left field - Greg Vaughn!” The ball soars in a graceful arc to left field. Like a shooting star, it falls from the sky. Vaughn collapses as the ball embeds itself in his skull.

  “Shortstop - Diaz!” you state, as you toss another flaming ball. Yount cocks his wrists, takes a small stride, pivots his hips, and absolutely crushes a line drive at the undead utility infielder’s chest. With reflexes that were buried deep in his undead brain, Edgar Diaz reaches up and spears the ball out of mid-air, but the force of the hit sends him tumbling into the outfield.

  It’s too easy. He needs a challenge... You call the name of a Red Sox reliever locked in their bullpen, and toss another flaming ball. As the two of you watch the flaming trail soar majestically over the fence in right field, Diaz has risen to his feet, and flipped the ball back in for more fielding practice.

  The still-smoldering ball flies directly between you and Yount. On one hop, it bounces into the bucket. A look of utter disbelief is on his face as your eyes meet. A split second later, the bucket explodes. Liquid fireballs rain down on you both, engulfing you in flames. You smell cooked flesh, and in your last moments you desperately crave a hot dog (with Stadium Secret Sauce)...

Death becomes you. Start over?

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 88

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.



You leap over seats, zigging and zagging across rows and aisles, hurdling over the dismembered and disemboweled bodies filling the stands. Leaping from the second row, you aim for the only spot atop the visitors dugout that isn’t drenched in pools of blood. You manage to hit a dry spot, and after a quick stumble you bound toward the safety of the green grass. As you soar above the dugout a powerful hand reaches up and grabs you by the ankle. You land with a sickening thud on the hard, packed dirt. Adrenaline flowing through your veins, you bounce quickly to your feet.  A freshly disembodied hand is still clutched tightly to your ankle. A quick flick of your foot sends the slightly green hand flying toward the infield - fingers still blindly reaching for its lost prize. As an angry, one-handed, what-used-to-be-Tom Brunansky lumbers your way, you realize that the field may not be the safest place. There is nowhere to hide, and more of the zombie Red Sox slowly amble from the dugout in your direction.

Go to Card #86

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 89

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.



Everything is in slow motion. You feel every nerve firing as the torque twists your body. Ligaments and muscles push and pull as your shoulders begin to turn, leveraging the bat’s heft as its sweeping arc glides around the fulcrum of your core. Slicing through the crashing wave of tension, you hear the wet crack of wood on bone, and your follow through is effortless. You watch the pus-matted hair ripple as the head rises like Icarus higher and farther, disappearing into the sun. As you gaze on, right hand moving to block the lights, your eyes trace its path into the left field bleachers. You hear it land with a meaty thud, as you are yanked backwards into the dirt. The full weight of what-used-to-be-Ellis Burks pins you down as thick, black liquid pours from the gaping wounds on his face. The goo blinds you as it seeps over your eyes. Gagging at the stench of dead breath wafting down, your last thought as it exhales is “...it’s foul…”

Dead. That's you. Starting over won't help, but you could click here.

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 592

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.

July 23rd, 1990 - Milwaukee County Stadium
It’s the top of the 8th, and the Brewers are dominating the Red Sox. You missed the Brew Crew’s 13th run thanks to your fourth beer. As you exit the bathroom, you immediately notice something is wrong. The echoing din is not the normal root-root-rooting for the home team. You listen carefully, and after a moment it dawns on you, those aren’t cheers… they’re screams!

Go to Card #594

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 594

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.

 You hear screams coming from the seats and field beyond. Screams and… is that chewing? Something is terribly wrong! You decide to:

 Go to the seating area overlooking the field to see what is happening…  Go to Card #589

Run down the concourse to get supplies and a couple more beers. Shit just got real.  Go to Card #578

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 596

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.



Placing one foot in front of the other, you jog steadily toward Sheffield at third base. He doesn’t run at you, but stands there, lackadaisically chewing. Dead, bloodshot eyes seem to look through you as you continue. One step, two steps, each one fills you again with anger. At this point, anger is the only thing propelling you forward. Like a slack-jawed, hillbilly cow chewing its cud, you see what looks like a chicken bone, but isn’t. It’s a human hand. Probably belonged to the now-dismembered third base coach. Sheffield looks you up and down, always chewing, and now you are near enough to hear the small bones grinding against each other as he works them around his mouth. You stand, feet apart, his one dead eye meeting yours, and without looking away, he spits a mostly-bone pinkie into the dirt at your feet. 

Go to Card #582

Choose Your Own Adventure... Title Card



After several seasons of flagging ticket sales, the Major League Baseball owners knew they needed something to reignite the fires of fans' interest in America's pastime. Working in secret with foreign scientists, a super-strength formula was developed and secretly disseminated among the players. Masked as team-mandated flu vaccinations, the players did not know what was being injected into their bodies. The formula worked quickly and worked well. The drugs made players bigger, faster, stronger!

Long standing records were shattered, and stadium attendance soared! The owners were to busy counting their money to notice anything was wrong. But something was wrong - very wrong...

Rumors of strange side effects began to surface. Beginning on the west coast, ball players with the Oakland Athletics started showing strange symptoms: increased aggression, cranial growth, an inability to feel pain, shrunken testicles, trouble speaking, back acne, cognitive declines, and weird cravings for very raw meat. The team was winning games at a record clip.

Soon enough, players from around the league began to show similar symptoms. Before anyone discovered the owners' evil plans, it was already too late. The game was the same, but the players had changed...

“Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;

The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,

And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;

But there is no joy in Baseball — for the zombies have come out.”

Go to Card #592

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 585

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.



You swing your open palm at his cheek, hoping to smack a little sense into him. His calloused hand grabs your wrist mid-smack. Before you can apologize, he is putting on shin guards, a chest protector, and pulling a catcher’s mask over his face. “Look for weapons, anything we can use!” Searching through lockers, you gather a few bats, a couple pairs of cleats, and a less-than-intimidating pair of athletic-tape scissors.

Yount looks like a samurai, ready for battle. “I grabbed some gear for you too. Put it on.” As you struggle with all the equipment, you catch glimpses of him heavily coating pine tar over the barrels of two bats. He ducks into the manager’s office, and throws a chair through the window separating the two rooms. After rolling the bats in the shards of broken glass, he hands you one. He pulls a can of deodorant spray from a nearby locker and says, “I have an idea…”

Go to Card #599

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 95

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.







Looking up, you get a view of the most beautiful swing - from an angle you never see on TV. Yount’s bat glides over your head, and with a loud crack, sends zombie-Sheffield’s head flying deep to the chalet in center. You follow the arc, and cringe as it hits an unsuspecting Bernie square in the crotch. He doubles over in pain, and falls head first down his slide. Scrambling to stop his descent, the mascot screams in terror as he slides into a giant mug of clawing undead.

“Quickly,” Yount hisses through clenched teeth, “we don’t have much time!” The hulking outfield combo of Greg Vaughn and Rob Deer have almost reached the infield. The undead streamed from the bullpens in right. Where they had been spread out before, you realize as they get nearer, you both are quickly becoming surrounded. You follow him into the dugout, down the hall, into the darkness beyond...

Go to Card #576

Choose Your Own Adventure - Card #223

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.



Knowing the horrors that await on the field, you blurt “He’s probably gone to the offices. Let’s go!” You run, following Yount up the staircase, his spikes clanging loudly with every step. Each step sounds like a zombie dinner bell in your mind. Bursting into a dimly lit hallway lined with doors, you notice a flickering light from under the one at the end of the hall. Sprinting toward the light, Yount arrives two full strides ahead of you and slams his shoulder against it. The door explodes open, and he tumbles into the room. Bud Selig looks up in surprise, “Good! I… I know a way out! Wait just a minute…” he rifles through the desk’s top drawer. Yount has moved to the open doorway, listening for pursuers. You come stand next to him, holding your breath as you, too, listen to see if you have been followed. Whack! You are struck from behind and fall to your knees, as the world goes black. The last thing you see before drifting off is Selig with an arm around Yount’s head, emptying a syringe into his neck.

Go to Card #540

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 540

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.

You feel yourself float toward consciousness from the black void of slumber as you wake, “What a dream!” you think, as your eyes slowly flutter open. “I feel like I’ve been asleep for a million…,” you think to yourself as you attempt to sit up and are assaulted by the pain that seems to come from every muscle and joint at once. You clench your teeth as you stand, noticing the soft white of the padding that lines the room you are in. “Where am I?” you ask yourself, then out loud. There is no answer. You take faltering steps toward the door. You yank on the handle, but it doesn’t budge. Looking through the small window, you see people in containment suits walking the halls. The window has a label on it. It takes a second to make out what the writing says in reverse, but the picture is instantly recognizable...



Start over at the beginning.

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 103

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.

 

You wake up and hear the shuffling sounds of creatures moving nearby. Lying there unconscious, they must not have noticed you. You see their skin is a greenish, rotting color as flesh hangs from their faces and bodies. You wait until it seems the nearest have passed you by. You stand up slowly, trying not to cringe as you realize that the entire left side of your body is covered with coagulating blood and peanut shells. You might look and smell like one of them now, but in the crowded corridors and ramps, you won’t have a chance. Your only chance seems to be to head to the open space of the field below…

Go to Card #88

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 710

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.



“Bud?!?” you both say in unison. Bud Selig, owner of the Brewers, raises his head at you in confusion, he blinks his eyes rapidly. “You’re, you’re alive?” he stammers, as Yount reaches down and pulls him to his feet. “I thought, I thought that everyone…” You grab Selig by the shoulders and spin him around to face you. In a tone harsher than you intended, you blurt, “No time! We have a situation here, now what do you know about this!?!? Is there a cure, an antidote?”
    “For what?” he asks confusedly. Yount grabs him by the lapel and growls, “The flu shots! They caused this! YOU did this!”
    “What, a cure? No, I have, we didn’t, I… I… it WAS the cure... for the FLU!” he began to stammer as tears well up in his eyes, “How could this happen…” was all he got out before the sobs overwhelmed him. The echoing sounds of banging against the clubhouse door grew louder. Everyone turned to look for a moment before you say, “We’d better get moving. I don’t know if that door is going to last for long.” As the door crashes open in the distance behind you, Bud opens the side door and immediately takes off down a darkened hallway. You both follow behind. Yount slams and quickly barricades the door. In the seconds it took to block the door with a chair, Selig has disappeared down the dark, curving hallway. The spry old man’s footsteps are just a faint echo.
    You follow the sound of the footsteps around the bend, but the hallway ends at a pair of locked doors. There are stairs to the right, and a ramp angling up to the left. As Yount yanks in vain on the door handle, he looks to the right and says, “The front office is up there...” Looking left, he grimaces, “...the field. Which way do you think he went?”

 If he went to the field, he’ll need help. You run up the ramp to the field.  Go to Card #711

 The offices might have some answers...  Go to Card #223

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 582

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.



The way his cheek is torn, you could almost swear it was a grin. Teeth exposed and ripped gums mindlessly crunch the hand. Every few bites, a finger pops out and gets stuck for a moment in the ripped cheek before it is sucked back in. The grinding fills your ears, deadening the sounds of the distant forms still creeping toward you from the outfield. Your vision becomes a tunnel as you swing with a hard right cross. His jaw cracks and hangs limply as the remains of the hand half slips from his mouth. He looks mad, but this could be due to the middle finger now sticking out from the side of his face. He strikes you with a backhand. It was slow but more powerful than you imagined, lifting you off the ground, and you land a few feet back. Do you…

 Cock back your arm, and attempt to wipe that smug grin off his cold, dead face.  Go to Card #106

 Get the hell away! That kid can hit! Time to head for home.  Go to Card #598

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 591

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.



You fly over the counter, crashing into the bottles of alcohol and land hard on the broken glass littering the floor. Your eyes burn as booze rains down on you from the shelf above. You hear wood splinter and shatter as someone -or some thing- bursts past Bernie. As quietly as you can, you slowly edge your head up to the lip of the counter to see what evil lurks on the other side. An unearthly growl that somehow manages to combine the screech of a rusty circular saw with the utter hopelessness of a lifelong Cubs fan, forces you to dive flat to the floor, cringing in terror. An instant later, your survival instincts kick in. You push yourself up and look upward into the face of what was once Paul Molitor. You fumble for the nearest bottle and smash it into the side of his head, but it has no effect! He grabs your arms and pulls you toward his too-wide mouth. Another pair of hands grab your head from behind. You hear a loud pop and watch your headless body fall. As the world turns to black, the sound of chewing fills your ear as if someone’s mouth was right…

You're dead. If you would like to start over click here.

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 587

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.



As you head toward the mound, a figure rises slowly. As you approach, it bends at the waist, dead eyes locked on yours. Then, in a strange pantomime of movements that appear more marionette than human, it flails its arm at you. Before you can see the ball, you are knocked backward as searing pain radiates from your shoulder and the bat falls from your hands. You wince in pain as you grab the bat again and charge the mound. You sprint the last few strides as it fumbles in vain for another ball. Your first swing rips its arm off at the shoulder. The next shatters both knees! Turning the bat into a stake, you plunge it into the figure’s chest, pinning his flailing body to the mound. More creatures stream toward you from the dugouts, you run to first base… 

Go to Card #577

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 578

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.



The sounds of screams have died down as you sprint through the corridor. The floors are slick with blood. As you leap over a dead body you spot an alcohol stand and slide to a stop. The concessionaire’s headless body lies slumped over the counter. You stare, transfixed by the horror, until you hear a scream of terror. It is coming from down the hallway, behind the giant, wood cutout of Bernie Brewer. The scream ends quickly, followed by a gurgling sound. A guttural growl and loud chewing sounds come soon after. The wood figure begins to rock back and forth. Scratching sounds fill your ears. Shaking in terror, you know you have to make a decision quickly. Do you...

 Vault over the counter to hide from whatever is about to come past Bernie. Maybe you can wait this out with something a little stronger than beer.  Go to Card # 591

Charge at the cutout, hoping you can surprise whatever is scratching on the other side.   
Go to Card # 101

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 580

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.



You grab the bucket of balls. Yount kicks the chair out from under the door handle, and two rotting creatures pile into the clubhouse. With one swing, he knocks both of their heads free from their bodies. The hallway to the field is empty, and you both head up the ramp to the field. As you near the dugout, he stops you and says, “When we get out there, light up a ball, soft toss it to me, and call out a target. I’ll handle the rest. You just keep those fireballs coming.” You can only nod in stunned silence. As you step out of the dugout, you recognize several targets. You grab a ball from the bucket, light it, and toss it gently toward number 19. As the ball reaches its peak, and seems to hover in the air, you yell out...

 “Right Field! Deer!”  Go to Card # 709

 “Third Base! Seevum... Suveem... Suveeum... Suave... Su-vame... Soowee... Ah, forget it! Dale! 

Go to Card # 712

Choose Your Own Adventure... Card 712

Warning: Parental advisory for violence, blood, foul language, and Bud Selig. This is a set of Choose Your Own Adventure cards by PunkRockPaint. If you have reached this page by accident and want to start at the beginning of the story click here.

The flaming ball bounces at Yount’s feet. He kicks it away as he glares at you. “It’s pronounced SWAYM... like LAME. I thought you were a fan?” You smile sheepishly, and light another ball as Sveum-like-lame shuffles down the line toward you. Releasing the ball, you shout, “SWAAAAAAAAYYYYYM” in your most sarcastic voice. CRACK! The flaming ball whizzes right by your ear. You turn in time to see what-used-to-be-Greg Vaughn drop to his knees, a flaming hole where his face used to be. He was only ten feet behind you! “Thanks,” you say to Yount. He just smirks and says, “That woulda been foul.”

 As Sveum gets closer, you light another and toss it up. Yount knows what to do, and rips a flaming liner right off Dale’s dome. The ball ricochets into the stands as the loud pop of Sveum’s exploding cranium echoes around the stadium.

  Five minutes later, your ammunition is gone. Flaming piles of the undead litter the field. Acrid smoke fills the air as entire sections of seats have burst into flames. Like a burning wave, the fire quickly surrounds you. Your eyes start to water as the stadium fills with smoke. You look on in amazement and sorrow as the stadium you love disappears in smoke and fire. It is time to get out of here. You turn to Robin, but he is lost in the haze. His tortured scream lets you know where he is. You run toward the scream. As you get close, you see your hero, your savior, lying in the infield dirt, his blood pooling around his head.

  You dive to your knees to provide him any comfort you can. The smoke in front of you begins to swirl, and a figure in shadow, backlit by the flames, emerges. As the smoke shifts, you see the owner of the Brewers, Bud Selig, standing with a bat resting on his shoulder. Before you can react, he says, “I can’t leave a witness. Can I?” He swings the bat, connecting with the side of your head. As your eyes close for the final time, and your world fades to darkness, a baritone voice echoes through the stadium P.A. 

“PLEEEEEEEEASE DRIVE SAFELY.”

Really??? Dead? Sheesh. Start over?