The Three Amigos

GEORGE BRETT MINI CARD HATERS.

George Brett, 1988 Topps Superstars mini

DON'T BE FRONTIN'.

HE'S A SUPERSTAR, YO. RED BACKGROUND A METAPHOR, BLOOD OF HIS ENEMIES (PITCHERS).

HE BATS LEFT BUT HE THROWS RIGHT.

THAT IS CRAZY.

MINI CARD CAN FIT IN YOUR WALLET.

OTHER CARDS AIN'T BE DOIN' THAT.

I CARRY MY GEORGE BRETT MINI IN MY WALLET JUST IN CASE.

DO YOU ACCEPT GEORGE BRETT MINI CARDS AS A FORM OF PAYMENT? PROLLY NOT BUT YOUR LOSS YOU STUPID RESTAURANT.

I LEFT MY INSURANCE CARD AT HOME OFFICER BUT HERE IS A GEORGE BRETT MINI.

I TRUST THAT WILL SUFFICE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING, WHERE'S ED WHITSON AND MEL HALL?

OH SNAP THERE THEY IS.

THIS IS THE SAME CARD.

NICE JOB CROPPING ED WHITSON, TOPPS.

MEL HALL BE LIKE,

"PFFT. WHEN IMMA GET MY OWN SUPERSTAR MINI WITH RANDOM DUDES ON THE BACK? BEEN PUTTIN' IN WORK, SON!"




ED WHITSON BE LIKE,

 "WHATEVER YO I DON'T EVEN CARE."








MEL HALL BE LIKE,

"KEEP WALKING, ED, YOU OL' LOOKING GRAMPA. AIN'T YOUR GRANDKIDS NEED YOU TO TAKE THEM TO CHUCKY CHEESE OR WHATEVER? PLEASE."





ED WHITSON BE LIKE,

"WHY DON'T YOU COME TO THE N.L. AND I'LL SHOVE THAT BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP."





JUST GOT REAL UP IN HERE.

GEORGE BRETT BE LIKE,

"SETTLE DOWN, NON-SUPERSTARS. TRYING TO CONCENTRATE HERE ON MY FOLLOW THROUGH."




 MEL HALL AND ED WHITSON BE LIKE,

"PFFT."






MITCH WEBSTER BE LIKE,





"WELL HOWDY DOODY FELLAS! BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR SOME BASEBALL!"






GEORGE, ED AND MEL BE LIKE,

 


"SHUTUP MITCH! YOU NO WALLET-FITTIN' FOOL."










THREE AMIGOS.

World's Best Guy

George Brett, 1991 Score, "The Franchise"

A lot of people ask me, "Mike, is George Brett a good person?" And I will say, "Well, I don't really know. Because I don't really know George Brett, like, at all. I just make fun of my old baseball cards on the Internet. I don't actually know any players." Then the person will say, "Oh. That's pretty dumb." Then I will say, "I DO know that George Brett is extremely tan for a person who lives in Kansas City, from what I have seen on television," but by that point the person has already walked away.

This much we know for sure: George Brett is indeed The Franchise and he can also hold up to three baseball bats at the same time without falling down. But IS he a good person? Hmmm ... let's try and find out.

George has been the ultimate franchise player for the Royals for 18 years now. Just when everyone was ready to pass the mantle on to someone younger in '90,

I remember in 1990 thinking, "When are the Kansas City Royals going to metaphorically pass the mantle of 'franchise player' down to someone younger than George Brett? George Brett is pretty freakin' old, and other players are younger than him and also Bo Jackson. Maybe if I keep watching television this will happen, and I won't miss the ceremony ... "

he rose from the depths of a .267 BA

(Note: BA stands for "batting average," a.k.a. the most important statistic ever. "A.k.a." stands for "also known as," which I didn't have time to write out completely earlier.) I didn't want to say this, but what a jerk for having such a crappy batting average at one point in time. Is he TRYING to hurt the team? That's not really the kind of personality I want from my "franchise player," someone who is such a jerky jerk that he can't hit the ball more often.

at midseason to win the AL batting title.

Wowzers. I wish there was an adequate phrase that captured exactly how I feel at this very moment, other than "wowzers."

What a guy!

What a guy, indeed! I don't think anything speaks to George Brett's character better than the fact that in 1990 he had a poor batting average before ending up with the best batting average. He probably started hitting better because he went to the hospital everyday to visit old people and maybe he also went to Africa and did some stuff there, too. "What a guy!" is something I like to say when someone (a guy) does something awesome that reveals his true personality. I haven't said it non-sacrastically in two decades, but nevertheless!
One more time with feeling!

What a guy!

Again!

What a guy!

You know what? Just for confirmation, let's ask the opinion of someone who really knows George Brett -- Angels' Manager Doug Rader.

"There's more to him than just being a player," said Angels' manager Doug Rader.

Impossible! All baseball players are just players and not actual human beings with emotions or thoughts that exist outside the realm of baseball! What is this jerk even talking about?

"The way he projects himself, the way he handles himself in the field, the way he competes, George is something special."

I don't want to editorialize here, but I think part of the reason the Royals were so hesitant to pass down The Franchise player mantle was because no other player handled himself in the field the way George Brett did. Like the way he stood on it and handled himself. In fact, the mantle itself is literally a statue of George Brett handling himself in the field. It's kind of gross, which is probably why no one else wants it.

Hall of Fame Brain Teaser

When I'm bored or trying to fall asleep, I like coming up with baseball brain teasers. Here's one that I haven't figured out yet:

Name a current Hall of Famer who never played on a team with another Hall of Famer.

I thought I had this figured out. I thought that George Brett was an answer, but then I remembered that Gaylord Perry was on the Royals in 1983, and Harmon Killebrew in 1975.

Another potential answer was Tony Gwynn, but he played with Roberto Alomar back in the late 1980s. Or how about the newly inducted Barry Larkin? Well, Tony Perez was on the 1986 Cincinnati squad, the year Larkin was called up.

It's sort of like a reverse Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, and harder than you think. I'll post a list of the permutations later in the week, but in the meantime, post your responses as comments on this post.

Baseball Card Game: Casting Agent

One of my favorite games is called Casting Agent. You choose, based on the photograph on the front of their baseball card, the perfect candidate for each role. This morning the show I’m casting is an ensemble dramedy I’ve titled “Man Cave.” It's along the lines of The Wonder Years, only replace the family unit in the 1960s with six middle-age men living under one roof.

The back story is that six friends made a pact in college that if they're single when they're 40, they'll find a way to live together. Needless to say, hilarity sometimes ensues and lessons are learned on every show.

And while it sounds an awful lot like the premise of the film Old School, this show does not take place on a college campus. It's simply a device to get all the main characters to live in one place. 

'A' Plot: After his wife kicks him out of their house, Gorff decides to round up his five best friends—each down on his luck and still trying to figure it all out—to live together in the ultimate man's house: big-screen TVs, cigars and brandy, a billiards room, Lay-z-boys, the whole nine yards.

'B' Plot: Gorff's dad wants to move into the Man Cave.

Main Characters

George Brett as Walter "Gorff" Gorffalberger,
a lovable oaf who can't seem to get it right

 Steve Garvey as Dick, a model-train enthusiast
who keeps adding HO-scale train track around the Man Cave

Chuck Muncie as Books, a French teacher at the local high school. Known to his students as Monsieur Etienne.

Vincente Romo as Simon Jaffacake, a dance instructor

 Danny Frisella as Jerry - Most of his dialogue is unintelligible: he talks very fast and ends each bit of dialogue in uncontrollable laughter

Keith Moreland as Ronnie Limberger - just known as Limberger - job unknown

with Gaylord Perry as Dad

Other recurring characters

Amy Madigan as Alice Gorffalberger, Gorff's soon-to-be-ex-wife

Pete Rose as Pete, Alice's new live-in boyfriend and Gorff's old Army buddy

John Henry Johnson as Mario - a rival dance studio instructor and Simon's secret crush 

Pascual Perez as Stephon, their wacky neighbor

Jim Fregosi as Mr. Sneed, Gorff's boss 

Ken MacKenzie as Johnnie Limberger, Limberger's older, less successful brother

Mike Schmidt as Fran, Gorff's rival at his job

Rick Waits as Looks - Books' best friend and colleague at the high school

Mullet: Hero of Cucamonga

George Brett, 1987 Kraft Dinners

Today we continue our sporadic series of “Cards I cut out of boxed food products.”

Kraft Dinners presents …. Home Plate Heroes! So get this—on one hand, “Home Plate Heroes” works because we’re talking baseball, a sport in which one of the bases is home plate and, because the game is our National Pastime, a sport in which those who excel are considered heroes. But, on the other hand, “Home Plate Heroes” also works because Kraft Dinners can conceivably be served on a plate … at home … BY YOUR HERO, who in this case would be your mother (not pictured) for showing great bravery in serving you a boxed Kraft dinner product that contains processed cheese produced in a factory outside of Cleveland and which is 97-percent magnesium chloferate ensol byproduct, or, as translated by Kraft for the layperson, “Real, natural cheese!”

Home Plate Hero George Brett (pictured) is seen here heroically looking off into the distance while trying not to chew the tobacco in his mouth for the purposes of maintaining his hero status. As you can see, he plays for the blue team, described below the photo as the “Kansas City Royals,” whatever that means. It should henceforth be known that Kraft Dinners maintains no affiliation with Major League Baseball or its subsidiaries and is FDIC insured and the side effects of thinking otherwise include headache and diarrhea, in which case contact your physician and lawyer. Don’t be fooled by the apparent MLB symbol in the upper right-hand corner; that is only the symbol for the Major League Baseball Players Association, who apparently have their own symbol and who own the copyrights to this beauty right here so BACK OFF. Also, George Brett and/or Kraft have never represented Major League Baseball, properly exemplified by the following scenario:

Major League Baseball 1987 Gala of Heroes, Sponsored by Kraft

Guy dressed in Kraft costume that is a giant noodle dripping cheese: How ‘bout that George Brett, huh? Heckuva player …

Major League Baseball Players Association Executive Director Donald Fehr: Indeed. Heckuva guy, too. Loves cheese. A true home plate hero.

Guy dressed in Kraft costume that is a giant noodle dripping cheese: (stiffly turns to his left) How ‘bout that George Brett, huh? Heckuva player …

Major League Baseball Commissioner Peter Ueberroth: Never heard of him.

If you would like to know more about George Brett, for example, “What are some of his 1986 statistics?” and, “Screw it, just give me his major league totals already!” please reference the data below his handsomely stubbled glam shot. For more personal information, let’s check the back of the card …



Ha, ha! For reals? I never knew that!

According to Wikipedia, George Brett’s nickname is/was “Mullet,” which I have never, ever heard him referred to as in my life, but then again, whatever. I don’t believe his mullet even approached the magnificence of some others from that era, so I don’t know where that nickname comes from, and Wiki surprisingly offers no explanation. These days, George Brett is the perpetually tan co-owner of the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes, a team that, like their owner, wears hats. I trust all of this information has been helpful.