Where's Waldos?

 Ryne Sandberg, Waldo Candies

I recently discovered that I have TWO of the four Waldo Candies baseball cards. This has been an unbelievable revelation that has changed my life forever.

We are going to piece this puzzle together DaVinci Code style. I have neither read that book nor seen that movie, but assume it's about putting together a set of weird baseball cards. Anyway, here is what we know:

Kevin Maas is one.

Ryne Sandeberg is another.

Kevin Mass and Ryne Sandberg are both white.

Unsurprising considering the Old English prose on these cards.

Waldo Candies is racist.

There are four cards in the set.

If one of the other two cards is Oscar Gamble, I will issue a formal apology.

I will not do that.

Here is an obstacle to our endeavor. If you Google "Waldo Candy Cards" my stupid blog is the first thing to come up. That means Waldo Candy Cards are not a very popular topic of conversation around the Interwebs, meaning it's unlikely we'll ever be able to discover who was featured on the other two cards.

HOWEVER, there's a glimmer of hope. And it comes from an unlikely source: a commenter named 69robster.

I'm sorry, 69robster, you've had "FIVE" of these cards? But the back of the two cards I own explicitly states there are only four cards in the set. Is it possible 69robster has the rare FIFTH Gospel Waldo Candies baseball card in his possession? Or should we be skeptical of 69robster? Something inside of my heart wants to believe 69robster and get to the bottom of this mystery, 69robster-style.

Does anyone know where 69robster is? We should probably find him first, and then take it from there. Does he even still have the cards he claims to have owned for "several years?" Or did he discover their value and find his buyers? And if so, did those men pose as buyers only to harm 69robster in an attempt to keep him quiet and the mystery of the Waldo Candies cards just that -- a mystery?

If you're out there 69robster, let us know you're alright, and that the establishment hasn't gotten to you. We love you, and we miss you.

Al Rosen to Gregg Jefferies: I heart your stink

Hi everyone. I’m Mike. Happy to be here. I’d like to talk to you, if I may, about Gregg Jefferies.


Gregg Jefferies, 1991 Score

Gregg Jefferies –- the extra “g” is for gregarious –- holds a special place in my baseball card-loving heart. You see, I grew up in central New Jersey, and the arrival of Jefferies coincided with the apex of my card-trading days, which meant that I took full advantage of the unbridled enthusiasm and unrealistic expectations of the Mets fans in the local neighborhood. Not that I myself wasn’t interested in obtaining the cards of a can’t-miss prospect, but as a Yankee fan I was content with my expanding card-collection of one future-Hall-of-Famer named Kevin Maas.

Speaking of enthusiasm, we all know that Gregg Jefferies was a talented player, but what I really want to know is: Was he enthusiastic? Let’s check the back of this card and find out:



“Everything he does, he does with great enthusiasm,” said Giants’ GM Al Rosen.

Awesome! I love enthusiasm! But, wait…everything? Not that I would ever in a million years doubt the input of Giants’ GM Al Rosen, but could it really be that Gregg Jefferies displayed noticeable enthusiasm for all of his endeavors? Spring training bunting drills? Furniture shopping? Putting his mail on hold at the post office because he needed to make an impromptu trip back to California because his great aunt fell down a flight of stairs? Hmmm. It’s also interesting to me that San Francisco Giants general manager Al Rosen has seemingly obtained exclusive knowledge regarding the enthusiastic nature of Mets’ third baseman Gregg Jefferies, but whatever. The point is that Gregg Jefferies is one enthusiastic mo fo. Also, not to change the subject but do you guys smell something? Al?

“You can almost smell the love of the game reeking all over him.”

Almost? It’s been twenty years since the release of this card and the smell that emanates from Gregg Jefferies’ love of the game still wafts over certain parts of the metropolitan area, most notably Staten Island and South River, NJ. Unfortunately, Gregg Jefferies’ love of the game smells like scrambled eggs and exhaust fumes.

Anyway, one thing you all will soon discover about me is that, when I am nostalgically searching for information on a baseball player of my youth, I have two and only two sources for reliable information: 1) Al Rosen. And 2) Wikipedia.

In response to criticism from teammates, on May 24, 1991, Jefferies pleaded his case in an open letter read on WFAN, New York's sports radio station. In the letter, Jefferies wrote: "When a pitcher is having trouble getting players out, when a hitter is having trouble hitting, or when a player makes an error, I try to support them in whatever way I can. I don't run to the media to belittle them or to draw more attention to their difficult times…”

I honestly don’t remember this, and Wikipedia surprisingly makes no mention of why Gregg Jefferies was forced to plead his case. We can only assume, via context, that Gregg Jefferies had been criticized by numerous teammates for his extreme enthusiasm -- "Slow down, honky," was the mantra of both Dwight Gooden and Kevin Elster -- and also because he smelled. Nevertheless, I do thoroughly enjoy how he maintains that he does not run to the media in an open letter to the media. One other thing:

Also in 2000, Lisa Kesner who was a flight attendant at Olympia Aviation, which provided flights to both the Detroit Tigers and the Detroit Red Wings, alleged that many players were sexually harassing her, and it was also alleged that Doug Brocail and Jeffries, who were with the Tigers at the time, asked her if she could perform sexual acts with her husband, "in a van".[citation needed]

For his career, Jefferies had a career .289 batting average with 126 home runs, 663 RBIs and 196 stolen bases.

Nice transition there from alleged sex requests “in a van” to career stats. I call that a transwikition. And I obviously have no idea if something like this ever happened or not –- Wikipedia has failed me before and Al Rosen could not be reached for comment. All I’m saying is: Kevin Maas would never do that.

Did you know?
In 2002 Gregg Jefferies was forced to go on "Larry King Live" in order to reiterate his anti-media stance and also to inform people about what to do when this van's a' rockin'.

Midseason Notes

• Forget the heroin addiction for a moment and just approach Josh Hamilton's three-year absence as simply a three-year hole in his career. There are very few players who've been able to rebound from an absence of that length. Ted Williams immediately comes to mind, as he missed three years to serve in WWII. There's simply no comparison between the two in a pure statistical sense, as Hamilton, despite his pedigree, was nothing special before he left the game in 2002. The longest absence? Has to be Minnie Minoso, who wound down his career in 1964 with the White Sox, only to make a brief 3 game appearance with the team in 1976 (12 years later), and then for 2 more games in 1980.

• One more note on Hamilton: When was the last time there was a trade when both players ended up as first-time All-Stars the very next season?

• Let's talk about hype for a second. Who does Jay Bruce remind you of more: Ken Griffey, Jr., or Kevin Maas? Actually, Bruce will have to go on a home run tear if I want to compare him to Maas. Right now I guess he's just Mini-Maas.

• Is anyone else curious about how relic cards are made? Do machines manufacture them? I'd have to think certain ones are hand-crafted, like those in the Hair Cut series. I'd like to see one of the card companies put an informational video on youtube about the making of relic cards.

• Will tonight's All-Star Game be as good as the turkey sandwich I had for lunch? I think I'll root for the National League to take the lead in the ninth against Rivera. If they win, that means the Red Sox will be able to clinch the 2008 World Series at Fenway instead of on the road like last year. Good times all around.