Fantastic Card of the Day

Something is wrong with this picture. Yes, there is no actual team depicted on this team card, but perhaps more importantly, there are no fountains beyond the outfield fence of Kauffman Stadium. It's one thing for a terrible team with no discernible national star (Mark Grudzielanek and Emil Brown, anyone?) to downplay a 100-loss season. But it's another thing entirely to rob a sure-to-be-boring card of its one potential highlight. When they don't even bother to turn on the fountains, you know they've given up.

It's almost like the Royals were trying to slip by undetected for the year. It's a bold move, one that I'm not sure I agree with, but an interesting tactic nonetheless. Let me see if I've got this right: if you don't put out a team photo, nobody will remember how much you sucked.

Fantastic Card of the Day

Wow, it's late. Or at least it is for me. I guess this could wait til tomorrow... Except... I have a feeling that this card will show up in my dreams tonight, taunting me to figure out the Mystery of the Two Well-Dressed Men in the Stands Behind Burt Hooton. Seriously, I feel like the third Hardy Boy trying to make sense of who those two guys are at the top of the bleachers. Wait... there were only two Hardy Boys, weren't there. Hmm. Well, you know any time a book series clocks in at well over 50 volumes, I say it's okay to position yourself as an alternate. You gotta figure one of the two is gonna get sick of the other one, or will sprain an ankle and can't get past page 100, or will be killed off or something. Makes sense for there to be a stand-in, stretching and loosening up somewhere in the background. Right.

Anyway, I've come up with a list of possibilities on the identities of these guys:

• Jake and Elwood Blues Problem with this theory is that they're a), about ten years early, and b), not wearing hats and sunglasses. Other than that, one's tall, the other's fat, and they're at a Cubs practice... Oh, but that's another problem, isn't it? This is surely Cubs spring training, and wouldn't Jake be in lockup at Joliet round about this time?

• The Righteous Brothers Man, how great would it be if these two guys were the Righteous Brothers? Problem with this theory is that there's nobody sitting around them. The girls would be swooning all over them, and yes, when I say "girls" I really mean "old ladies in the bleachers at a Cubs spring training practice."

• The Everly Brothers They both look a little too tall to be the Everly Brothers, but you never know. Again, not likely, as there are no guitars around them, and no girls swooning. Yes, "girls" still equals "old ladies in the bleachers at a Cubs spring training practice."

• Bonafide G-Men OK, here's the scene: practice has just ended and the players are walking off the field in clusters, joking and making plans for dinner. G-Men #1 and #2 walk down out of the bleachers and up to a random player, flicking cigarettes out of their mouths and pulling out notebooks. They say they just have some questions and the player gets real jumpy (cue fast-tempo bongo roll, to build suspense). The G-Men tell him to cool it, the player freaks and makes a break for it, and G-Man #1 pulls out a walkie-talkie and calls for back-up (cue horns hitting the first hook of the theme song). The scene freezes for a split-second and the title comes up "FOOT CHASE!" Then it goes back to the action. I'm thinking real late-Sixties, early-Seventies cop show, full of tense drama and action-packed, uh, action sequences. Oh, so it would turn out that the random player was really a petty numbers runner who would cave in interrogation and squeal on the mafia boss. Or something. It would be different week to week.

• Team Executives or Scouts Snooze. Seriously, who wears a sportscoat and black slacks to a spring training practice?

Or maybe they're not in the stands at all, but are:

• Tiny Devil and Angel, perched on Burt Hooton's shoulder It's a stretch, mainly because a), they'd travel with him throughout his pitching motion, and b), they're not technically perched on Burt's shoulder. I bet, though, that if he were standing up they'd be right there, leaning in to tell him a dirty joke.

Fantastic Card of the Day

Today's fantastic card is one of my favorites: 1974 Topps Traded Juan Marichal. Some guys navigated the 1970s with ease: they grew a mustache, combed their hair, and kept the instances of being photographed with a shiny warmup shirt on under their jersey at a minimum (see Gene Garber's cards from the decade and for a good example).

Other guys were not so lucky. Let me rephrase that. For some guys, the fashions of the 1970s were a reason for reporting for duty every day. Open shirts, wide lapels, unfortunate haircuts--all of it was bad news. So that brings us to Juan Marichal's crazy sideburns.

Actually, in this pose you can't tell if there's a matching burn down his left cheek, which swings heavily in Marichal's favor for the title of Weirdest Facial Hair Decision.

Another reason I love this card is because of the back. Besides the poor Topps' copywriter's minor headline coup ("Marichal Makes Bosox Juanderful"), the lead sentence states, and I quote:

"The Boston Red Sox, claiming that they're 'sick of losing,' today acquired Juan Marichal from the San Francisco Giants."

This is brilliant because many people forget just how bad a team the Red Sox were for most of the 1950s and 1960s. In fact, in the period following their World Series loss to the Cardinals in 1946 to their World Series loss to the Cardinals in 1967 (a span of 21 seasons), the team finished in the top 3 of their league only 7 times. It was only really in 1972 that the team started to show life, finishing the season a half-game out of first.

And though Marichal's the biggest name to appear in the 1974 Traded series, he gave the Red Sox just 11 starts, going 5-1 and posting an ERA of 4.87, by far the highest of his career (if we don't count his ERA for two appearances with the Dodgers the following year).

Fantastic Card Back of the Day

On his own card, Topps has validated Melendez's desire to get laid as often as possible. Not many players can claim an entire company is their wingman. But then again, not many players are Luis Melendez, Sex Machine.

The Fantastic Card of the Day

Fantastic Card of the Night: Supersonics at Your Service

Has there ever been a more self-reflexive team card? This could only be topped by the Utah Jazz striking up the band with a few guys strung out on heroin in the background, or the Orlando Magic sawing each other in half in front of a group of bored kids. Actually, you know what they should do. They should make a subset of Team Tableaus, where the team has to act to out the team name. I see the Trail Blazers in furs and pelts, getting high out in the woods with Sacagawea, Golden State Warriors fucking each other up on the streets of 1970s New York City...wait, wrong Warriors...Knicks crowding a back room all dandied up with watch fobs and pince-nez, slapping each other on the backs and surrounded by servants, Chicago Bulls in black and white striped shirts and red ascots 'round their necks, fleeing for their lives down Michigan Avenue. You get the idea.

I wouldn't be surprised if you could have found this image on the inside of a matchbook, or on a male escort postcard tacked to the inside of a public phone booth in London. Seriously, the only thing that's missing is that the team isn't wearing tuxedos. Slick Watts is wearing his headband and wristbands, the white guys all have bushy mustaches, and Bill Russell's out front like Ricardo Montalban from Fantasy Island.

Hello all you foxy ladies. If there's anything you need--anything at all--just call upon my team of Supersonics. They're here for your pleasure and convenience. Spencer! Archie! Slick! Help make our beautiful guests a little more comfortable. I'm Bill Russell, but you can call me Captain Wonderful. Next stop: your wildest, most basketball-related fantasies.

By the way, do you think Slick Watts wore his headband and wristbands at all times, on and off the court? I'm thinking the answer is Yes, with a capital 'Y.' And by 'at all times' I'm including when he showered, slept (hair net and oven mitts for protection), sat in jury duty, bought groceries, built computers in his garage with his dorky friends and attended black tie events with other pillars of the community.

I mean, they were the source of his powers, right?

Fantastic Card of the Day: Bo Jackson, 1991 Topps Traded

I've never seen anyone look so depressed about leaving the Kansas City Royals. Poor Melancholy Bo, sittin there in his Ray-Bans and gripping what is either a towel that he chews between innings like Jerry Tarkanian or a screenplay to his life story.

I definitely see this image as the first frame of a low-key, woe-is-me musical montage in Bo Knows: The Bo Jackson Story where Bo breaks into a heartfelt, smooth-as-velvet rendition of "My Funny Valentine." The montage would show him in the dugout, in post-game interview in the locker room, staring off into space while dining alone after hours at a swank restaurant (with all the waiters lined up behind him, just like in The Godfather), and sitting by a window in a smoking jacket with a glass of wine on a rain-soaked night.

At the end of the montage, he'd probably be out walking his lovable Jack Russell terrier when he bumps into Robin Givens or Vivica Fox and his life is changed forever. And of course before the movie ends there's a scene where he's sitting on his bed in his basement apartment, practicing scales on his trumpet in his tried-and-true wife beater and bathrobe, cane resting beside him.

Like most kids my age, my admiration for Bo Jackson was legendary. I mean, this guy could do it all. And then all of a sudden he was just another player. And then, not too long after that, he was retired, shaken up by bad knees. I want there to be a made-for-TV movie done about his life, replete with the requisite son or grandson-on-knee not stealing/not having sex/not fighting/good grades/visitation rights speech that starts "You think you know?" and ends with (of course) "Bo's been there. Bo knows."

I'm thinking we could get Jamie Foxx to play Bo, and if he doesn't want to stoop to the small screen, then I guess we could settle for 50 Cent. Get Rich or Die Tryin' didn't fare so well, and going up against Kanye West didn't really pan out, either. Doing a cut-rate Bo Jackson biopic might just net him the international fame he's always dreamt of winning.