The Butterfly Effect

I’ll give you three guesses as to what’s on the back of this Felix Hernandez card that I (and by “I” I mean my 5-year-old daughter from whom I hijacked this card to write about it on a blog) received while at Safeco Field during a Mariners game.

Go ahead.

Are you good?

Do you have three guesses?

OK cool. I don’t want to hear about your guesses because they are all wrong.

For real this is the back of the card. It’s a baby who is maybe morphing into a butterfly, or vice versa … I’m not certain of the science behind that process. Or maybe it’s a baby who has butterfly wings because it’s a hybrid butterfly-baby formed in a BASF lab. Who knows. The point is: baseball.

This card also asks the timeless question:

How can you make tomorrow love today?

which, ???????????????????????????????????????????????

Seriously though, how CAN you make tomorrow love today? Let’s ask Mariners pitcher Felix Hernandez.

Me: Hi, King Felix. I was wondering, how can you make tomorrow love today?

Felix Hernandez: I don’t know for sure, papi. Maybe, like … if we channel our hopes and dreams into our current state of consciousness, we can marry anticipation with the present and experience a slice of heaven on earth. Like this … (blows on passing butterfly, which turns into a baby and lands in my lap)

Me: Uh, what am I supposed to do with this?

Felix Hernandez: I don’t know … raise it? Listen, are we done? I have to pitch a baseball game now.

Me: (raise child as my own, grow to love it, it eventually teaches me how to make tomorrow love today)

Child: Welp, looks like my work here is done. (sprouts butterfly wings and flies toward the sky)

Me: wtf

The Man Who Came to Dinner

John Barfield, 1991 Score

Cool mechanics, John Barfield.

"Your mom liked 'em, Internet weirdo." - John Barfield

Touché, John Barfield. Let's move on.

John was brought up from Triple-A Oklahoma City in late May ’90 as a temporary replacement for Gary Mielke

That is the SEXIEST story about opportunity knocking I have ever heard. It’s also, coincidentally, exactly how I started blogging.

But, like the man who came to dinner, John pitched so well in middle and long relief, he just stayed and stayed and stayed.

What

Texas Rangers equipment manager Dizzy Flapperton: STILL HERE, EH BARFIELD? YOU’RE LIKE THE MAN WHO CAME TO DINNER.

John Barfield: Ha, ha, yeah … what?

Flapperton: THE MAN WHO CAME TO DINNER, YOU KNOW—THE FAMOUS MOVIE.

Barfield: Uh, I’m not black.

Flapperton: NOT THAT DINNER MOVIE YA’ BIG DUMMY! THE 1942 COMEDY STARRING MONTY WOOLLEY, DUH.

Barfield: I don’t … I just … I am 25.

Flapperton: YOU DANG KIDS DON’T KNOW NOTHIN’ ABOUT CULTURE. YA’ JUST PITCH YOUR BALLS AND HIT YOUR BALLS AND I’M THE ONE WHO’S GOTTA CLEAN UP THE MESS.

Barfield: That sounds gross.

Flapperton: BUT AT LEAST YER HERE. OL' MIELKE IS BACK THERE ON THE TRAINER'S TABLE AGAIN, AND GETTIN' PAID FOR IT TOO, NO LESS. I SWEAR THAT GUY IS LIKE THE THIEF OF BAGDAD ...

Barfield: ...

Flapperton: THE THIEF OF BAGDAD.

Barfield: ...

Flapperton: FER CRYIN' OUT LOUD! THE POINT IS, JUST KEEP PITCHING WELL IN MIDDLE AND LONG RELIEF, AND YA' CAN STAY FOR DINNER AND EAT AS MUCH LASAGNA AS YA’ LIKE, OKAY GARFIELD?

Barfield: It’s “Barfield.” Why are you yelling?

Ring Leaders' Leaders

                                        Terry Pendleton, 1995 Stadium Club Ring Leaders

Stadium Club CEO, Hank Freck: Gentlemen, today is the first day of the rest of our baseball card lives. Today we begin designing the Ring Leaders series that is going to set the world on fire.

Stadium club execs: (cheer)

Hank Freck: I want no expense spared, and I want no wasted space. Whoever said "less is more" is a stupid dumbass.

Bill: Sir, didn't you say "less is more" when you started the comp-

Hank Freck: Shutup, Bill. Everyone? Bill is fired.

Bill: (cries) (escorted out by Stadium Club security, which is Hank Freck's 9-year-old son, Hank, Jr.)

Hank Freck: Listen up, everyone. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I want this set to include as much stuff as possible. We're gonna stuff the hell out of this [extended expletive]. Nothing is off limits. Think about everything you know about rings, and hit me with it.

Stadium club execs: ...

Hank Freck: Hit me with it ... NOW!

Fred: Uh, uh ... rings flying through the sky?

Hank Freck: Awesome, good start. That is something rings definitely do. Barb - write this stuff down. Anyone else?

Gary: How about an explosion?

Hank Freck: Explosions are good. Done and done. Gary, you just exploded yourself into a raise.

Phil: What about a ... a ... a bald eagle?

Hank Freck: For crying out loud, Phil ... you're a genius. THIS IS AMERICA.

Stadium club execs: (cheer)

Phil: And maybe the bald eagle is like, eating a giant ring?

Hank Freck: Okaaay, okaaaay. I'm with you ...

Phil: And like, holding a baseball with its bird claws or something?

Hank Freck: Phil, you talk. Barb, you write.

Phil: AND THE BIRD IS POOPING ON HOCKEY BECAUSE HOCKEY SUCKS.

Hank Freck: Okay, sit down, Phil. Too far. You always go too far. Anyone else?

Bart: How about stars?

Hank Freck: Sure, why not. You can't have a ring without stars. That's just science. Oh and BY THE WAY, I don't want some professional "artist" (does air quotes) designing this thing. I want a real baseball fan, like, hey - Hank Jr., you up for this?

Hank Jr.: (picking nose) Duh, Dad. (under breath) Not.

Dave: Spaghetti and meatballs!

Hank Freck: Was that a suggestion, Dave, or do you have Tourette's?

Dave: Ummm, a suggestion?

Hank Freck: Charles, can we fit spaghetti and meatballs on this thing?

Charles: (furiously punches keys on computer) (dejectedly nods head "no")

Hank Freck: Dammit. Okay, well let's turn our attention to the back. So uh, what do baseball players win rings for? I literally have no idea.

Fred: All-Star games? Do they get rings for that?

Hank Freck: Seems right. Let's go with it.

Dave: Of course there's the famous batting title ring. That I know for sure.

Hank Freck: Makes sense. What about a bunting ring? Is there a ring for like, best bunter?

Stadium club execs: (shrug shoulders)

Hank Freck: Okay well let's play it safe then, and if a Ring Leader is also a good bunter, just feature him bunting while the bald eagle eats a giant ring behind him.

Charles: Guys, what about World Series rings? Are you gonna account for those?

Hank Freck: Uhhh, pretty sure they get hats for that, Charles. (under breath) Idiot.

Stadium club execs: (laugh at Charles)

Ball So Hard

Tom Brookens, 1989 Donruss 
NOTE: Don't ask me about the stain because I don't know

TOM BROOKENS

WATCH THE THRONE

"BALL SO HARD ****** ******* WANNA FINE ME"









LET'S CHECK THE HIGHLIGHTS Y'ALL

Idled during '84 pennant stretch for Tigers due to pulled hamstring...

= HIGHLIGHT

"BALL SO HARD OOPS THERE GO MY HAMSTRING
BUT I AIN'T HAMSTRUNG
GONNA CHEER 'COP THAT RING'
ON THE BENCH CHECKIN' MY SAMSUNG"






Missed a month of '81 season with ankle and hamstring injuries...

= HIGHLIGHT

Started triple play and went 5-for-5 in same game 8/20/80 vs. Brewers...

MORE LIKE LOWLIGHT AMIRIGHT

THIS IS PLAYED OUT, IMMA HOLLA AT WIKIPEDIA

Tigers radio announcer Ernie Harwell nicknamed Brookens "the Pennsylvania Poker", a play on the song "Pennsylvania Polka."

HIDE YOUR KIDS, HIDE YOUR WIFE, THE PENNSYLVANIA POKER'S COMIN' TO TOWN

"POKE SO MANY BALLS ****** ******* WANNA FINE ME"









HOW GOOD WAS TOM BROOKENS AT POKING BALLS?

He did lead American League (AL) third basemen in errors twice, in 1980 and 1985, but that was largely because he was getting to so many more grounders than other fielders;

"LED LEAGUE IN ERRORS TWICE, SON
IF YOU WANNA GET STATISTICAL
FOR REAL 'IT AIN'T MY FAULT' THO
SHOUT OUT TO HOMIE MYSTIKAL






Brookens also has the dubious honor of sharing (with 21 others) the AL record for the most errors in a game by a third baseman, four, on September 6, 1980.

OKAY I GET IT HE WAS GOOD AT POKING BALLS.

Brookens' twin brother Tim was also drafted in 1975 by the Texas Rangers; he was later traded to the Tigers organization, but never made the majors. In spring training, Tim and Tom would sometimes switch identities, even suiting up in each other's uniforms;

"THAT SH*T CRAY, AIN'T IT, TOM?"

"BALL SO HARD"

"WHAT SHE ORDER, FISH FILET"

"BALL SO HARD"

"DON'T LET ME INTO MY ZONE"

"I'M DEFINITELY IN MY ZONE"

The Pleasure Principle

 Ricky Wright, 1987 Topps

Here is Ricky Wright. Here he is again:

Now, I know what you're thinking: What was the exact date that catcher Wes Westrum caught three fouls in one inning?

"Wait," you say, "that wasn't the date I was thinking. I feel like maybe West Westrum had accomplished this feat before, no?"

So yes, this baseball card has an EDITOR'S NOTE relative to a tidbit that is not at all relative to the card itself. Maybe we can talk about Ricky Wright, whose likeness and personal information provide the foundation for this Ricky Wright baseball card. Here he is again:

Now, I know what you're thinking: Ricky Wright sure looks like he could use some pleasurable time. How does Ricky Wright spend his pleasurable time?

Ricky Wright: (strums guitar) DAMN this is pleasurable.

Ricky Wright's wife: (from adjacent room) Whatcha doin', honey?

Wright: Awww, you know me - just enjoying some pleasurable time.

Wife: You know, I was thinking ... why don't you make your way over here and we can really enjoy some pleasurable time ...

Wright: (strums guitar) You makin' reference to intercourse?

Wife: (hangs head) Geez, Ricky. YES, I am referring to "intercourse." Thanks for taking all the playfulness out of it. Now get over here, please.

Wright: 'Preciate the offer, sweetheart, but I'm really trying to nail down this Creedence Clearwater rif. This is my pleasurab-

Wife: You know what, Ricky? You're always taking about your "pleasurable time" - your *** **** precious "pleasurable time." What about the six months every year you spend playing a little kid's game? Is that not pleasurable enough? What about MY pleasurable time, Ricky? Huh? WHAT ABOUT THAT? (slams door)

Wright: (strums guitar) B*tch done ruined my pleasurable time.

Wes Westrum: Ricky, can we talk?

Wright: Wes Westrum? What are you doing here? This is MY house.

Westrum: Listen, Ricky ... (sits on edge of futon, puts arm around Ricky) ... we all need some pleasurable time every now and then, no doubt. When I was playing, I liked to spend my off days gardening while humming show tunes.

Wright: ...

Westrum: But one thing I discovered? The best pleasurable time is true love. And I think you have that with whatsherface over there.

Wright: (strums guitar) Dang, you're right, Wes Westrum. How do you know so much about true love?

Westrum: Well, let's just say that TWICE I caught three foul balls in one inning.

Wright: ...

Westrum: ...

Wright: You makin' reference to intercourse?

Westrum: Yes.

The Tonic

Jay Howell, 1989 Score

Jay was just the tonic the Dodgers’ bullpen needed in 1988.

Tommy Lasorda: Our bullpen sucks!

Dodgers’ bullpen coach: If only we could find the right tonic.

Tommy Lasorda: (eats three pounds of pasta) (uses bathroom) (takes nap) (comes back to bullpen) Well?

Dodgers’ bullpen coach: Well what? Did you find the tonic?

Tommy Lasorda: Me? I was going to ask you the same thing. I’m the *** **** manager! I don’t find the tonic! I just play the tonic! Who’s responsible for finding the tonic around here?

Dodgers’ bullpen coach: I think Fred is.

Tommy Lasorda: (grabs bullpen phone) Fred? We need some *** **** bullpen tonic!

Dodgers’ bullpen coach: I think that phone just goes to the dugout.

He gave them the superb closer they had been missing in recent years after being traded from the Athletics at the end of ’87.

Fred: Everyone, meet Jay Howell, our new tonic.

Dodgers’ bullpen coach: Hello, Jay. 


Tommy Lasorda:

Fred: I firmly believe Jay is the superb closer we’ve been missing in recent years after being traded from the Athletics at the end of ’87.

Tommy Lasorda: (jarred awake) What the hell was that sentence, Fred?

Fred: I just …

Dodgers’ bullpen coach: You went from Jay being the subject to the Dodgers being the subject back to Jay being the subject.

Tommy Lasorda: You made it sound like we’ve been missing a superb closer ever since we—the *** **** Dodgers—were traded from the A’s. Shit, Fred.

Fred: Listen, dickheads. I’m paid to go get tonics, not master English.

Jay Howell: Can I like, start warming up or whatever?

Lasorda: You shut your pie hole, tonic boy!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Oh, hey, hi there. Sorry about that post. I know, it was dumber than ushe. Anyway, I wanted to let you all know that I wrote a new book (which, to the chagrin of very few, partially explains my lack of posting on this wonderful blog of late). It's called The Man in the Garlic Tuxedo and you can find out more about it here and maybe, I don't know, buy it? here. Like the previous book, it contains nothing about baseball cards, but maybe you will like it anyway because it is, I have heard, funny and good and nice. Please buy it. I am not good at promotion. Thank you.

Score one for America

When two things as American as baseball and America combine forces to honor our armed forces, the result is something so glorious it exceeds the combined sum of their American parts.

This is the American flag. But it is also a baseball card. You can tell it’s a baseball card because of all the America on it, not because of the baseball, which is invisible.

Score, the company that created this American flag card—this Ameriflard—was not going to stand idly by and let the flag speak for itself. Nor would it utilize the back of this card to list the statistics of the most American baseball player (this guy, obvs) or of America herself (DID YOU KNOW? America was signed by scout John Hancock after posting a perfect WAR in 1776). No. Score was going to play an active part in the effort.

1991 Score

Score’s mom: Score? Are you asleep in there, honey?

Score: (dressed in pajamas and night cap, kneeling by bed, which is covered in bald eagle sheets) Not yet, Mommy! Just praying for world peace.

Score’s mom: Good boy. I’ll bring up some milk in a minute.

Score: WARM IT UP FIRST THIS TIME, DANG.

Guys, let me make something clear: I love America. Truly I am blessed to have been born here—I doubt I’d be able to have a non-job contributing to a baseball card-based blog in, say, Micronesia—and I revere our armed forces. This is the truth. But also: what is this card?

I had originally written a more serious post attempting to explore this topic—paying homage to our troops in ridiculous, self-serving ways—and ran it past Ben, who shed some light on the history of baseball card companies’ military complex. The dialogue made me feel as though I shouldn’t curtail my first instinct at viewing this card again, which was: make fun of this.

As Ben pointed out, Score could have put some real effort into this, and made cards for soldiers, generals, or anyone on the front lines who could have become an identifiable face of the war effort for young kids. Instead they stuck a flag on the front and, on the back, claimed that they, Score, a subsidiary of Pinnacle Brands, was praying.

I can’t decide if this card is a Veteran’s Day mattress blowout sale—a marketing scheme masked as dignified patriotism (and, in this case, devout spiritualism)—or a moderately genuine but completely lackluster attempt to give a nod to our troops. Either way it sucks. That is all.

School lesson: wins

Fleer cameraman: Okay Mikey baby, take a deep breath, and just relax.

Mike Schooler: OKAY HOW’S THIS
 

Fleer cameraman: Kinda looks like you’re holding in a fart. Exhale, okay?

Mike Schooler: HOW ‘BOUT THIS ONE

Fleer cameraman: I just … why are you wearing a batting glove?

Mike Schooler: WAS TAKING BP WITH THE FELLAS WHEN YOU SAID IT WAS MY TURN, HIT TWO OUT OF THE INFIELD TODAY, NEW RECORD

Fleer cameraman: (gives up, takes picture)

Mike Schooler: I NEED 10 WALLET-SIZE FOR NANA

Mike Schooler looks like a gym teacher. He should change his name to Jim Schooler LOL.

Mike Schooler, 1990 Fleer

DID YOU KNOW? Tied for 3^rd in AL in saves (33) and seventh in appearances …

To answer your question, no – I did not know that Mike Schooler ranked seventh among AL relief pitchers in appearances during {year not mentioned}. I hope this newfound information has pushed something less important out of my brain.

Tied for Mariners’ lead in ERA despite 1-7 record …

That’s weird. Wins are typically the best indicator of pitcher performance. Wikipedia, what say you?

On March 22, 1993 he was signed as a free agent by the Texas Rangers but was released on September 11 after going 3-0 with a 5.55 ERA in 17 games.

HE WAS UNDEFEATED! Surely another team picked up Mike Schooler immediately and he helped that team win the World Series, and when he was presented with the World Series MVP trophy by Bob Costas, he raised it high into the air and said into the microphone, “This is for the Texas Rangers, who thought it was cool to release an undefeated pitcher. Guess what? You just got SCHOOLER-ED!”

That’s what happened, right?

He has been a gym teacher at Richardson Middle School, and Calle Mayor Middle School in Torrance California. He is now the gym teacher at Ladera Ranch Middle School in Ladera Ranch, California.

We kid ‘round here, but for reals? Being a big leaguer with a season of 33 saves and a 3.61 SO/BB ratio under the ol’ belt, and then getting a gig teaching Phys Ed to kids all day was pretty much what I wanted to be when I grew up. Instead I am an unpaid blogger. All hail, #JimSchooler.

You Lose All, You Win All

Question:

Zero chances. Impossible. No way. I mean 0-6? That is the worst thing I have ever heard. Gritless. Gutless performance. Fire him from the minors. Actually KILL HIM. No coming back from that. Stick a fork in 'em. Done. Chances at major league stardom? PFFTT. Get a clue, jerkwad. Lose minor league games much? Yes, is the answer. Wasn't a rhetorical question, idiot. You're the worst person.

Ordinarily, nil.

Always, nil. A scenario does not exist where the answer is not "nil," so your "ordinarily" is sugar-coating. End of discussion. Let's talk about something else. I am tired of talking about terrible pitchers who are dumb and stupid.

But Chris, who did that in the Triple-A American Association in '90, isn't an ordinary pitcher.

Why, does he pitch from his butt instead of his hand? What does this mean? What am I even reading right now? Who is Chris?

 Chris

Oh. 'Sup.

A tall, lean southpaw with an outstanding curveball,

That is extremely NOT ordinary - some would even say extraordinary. Tall AND lean? I am beginning to reconsider my notion that a pitcher could go 0-6 in the minors and still attain major league stardom. If anyone could do it, Chris could. Prolly not though, still.

he had started the season, only his second in pro ball at Double-A Jacksonville and was promoted to Indianapolis in mid-June.

Don't even tell me he went 0-6 there.

Despite going winless in the AA

If you replace "the" with another "A" and move it next to the other "A"s, then what you've said is accurate and normal. Also, did he die after that happened? I would die of embarrassment.

Chris was brought up to the Expos in mid-August to replace the traded Zane Smith in the starting rotation.

"Yo, we traded the fart face guy. So uh, I dunno ... let's bring up the dude who literally cannot win in the minors. I think it will be good and ensure the stability and location of our franchise." - Expos dudes

Did he ever!

Calm down. Just tell me what happened.

Chris won his first five decisions, giving up only 19 hits in 30 IP. He went 6-0 when he pitched his first major league CG and shutout, beating the Mets

LOL Mets

2-0 on a brilliant one-hitter.

This is cray. It's almost as if the fact that he struck out 44 and walked ONE in AAA was more important than the fact he went 0-6, and that he pitched pretty much the same as he always did - well - when he reached the bigs and had success because wins are stupid and gross.

Who needs to win big in the minors anyway?

Ha, great rhetorical question to end this amazing storybook story of a story! Nobody, silly! Well, at least not Chris Nabholz! Ha, ha! Man, the Mets suck.

 Chris Nabholz, 1991 Score

John Moses baseball

This is my favorite John Moses baseball card.

 John Moses, 1988 Topps

Some people like this one:

 Pretty neat!

Or even this one.

Looking good, John Moses!

This one is cool because it's signed by John Moses.

Kid: Hey John Moses, can you sign my ballcard?

John Moses: Sure thing, sport. (signs) Don't forget to eat your vegetables.

You can find a lot of cool John Moses baseball cards if you Google "John Moses baseball."

Looks like a hit, John Moses!

Oops.

LOL

One time I heard a rumor that John Moses enjoyed water skiing and bowling.

Yeah, but is it true?

Anyway, that was fun, but this is my favorite John Moses baseball card because I think it is cool and nice.

What is your favorite John Moses baseball card?

What's that?

ALL OF THEM? Ha, ha ... so true, so true.

Thanks, everyone!