Confarnit

Zane Smith, 1990 Topps

SMELLIN' LIKE SOME SULFER JUST HAD SOME DIARRHEA OUT HERE. WHAT THE HAY? PEOPLE BE FARTIN' LIKE IT'S NOTHING THINKIN' THE SWEET SMELLS OF SPRING'LL COVER IT UP. AIN'T THE CASE. THEMS OPEN-AIR FARTS ARE BAD CAUSE PEOPLE BE THINKIN' THEY GOT CARTE BLANCHE TO DO 'EM. FART BLANCH. THAT'S MY JOKE I SAY TO PEOPLE. RECKON' MY WHO FARTED FACE BE RIVALIN' THAT OF M'GOOD BUD JOE JOHNSON. SOLID FELLA BUT MOODIER THAN A SONOFABITCH. AIN'T SEEN M'HAT IN SIX DAYS BUT WHOSE A' COUNTIN? SOME ROOK'S PLAYING A PRANK, BUT I'LL GIT 'EM WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT. PROLLY THE SAME PRANKSTER WHO CROP DUSTED O'ER HERE. I'LL DROP A TURD IN HIS LOCKER COME AUGUST. THAT'LL LEARN 'EM. WHATCHA'LL LILLY-LICKERS BE THINKING 'BOUT OUR NORTH AMERICAN NEIGHBORS UP YONDER? AIN'T NEVER LIVED IN NO PLACE OTHER THAN THE GOOD OL' U S OF A, AND DON'T WANT NOBODY QUESTIONIN' MY ALLEGIANCES! JUST TRYING TO FIND A GOOD PLACE TO REST M'HEAD AND A SPOT WITH SOME HOMEMADE PULLED PORK SANGWICHES. WHAT'S THE NATIONAL BIRD? I SHOULD FIND OUT PRONTO TO BLEND IN. WHO'S STARTIN' TODAY, MCDOOGLE? IS THERE A MCDOOGLE ON THIS TEAM? NO? COMMON NAME WHERE I COME FROM. FRANCIS MCDOOGLE USED TO FIX HVACS IN M'HOMETOWN. BEFORE THE PLAGUE HIT THAT IS. NOW HE SPEAKS WITH A STUTTER AND FIXES NOTHIN' BUT SANGWICHES. CAN'T SEE BUT TWENTY YARDS OUT HERE WITHOUT M'SUNGLASSES. BRIGHTER THAN M'GIRL'S SMILE TODAY. WHAT ARE THEM FELLAS DOING OVER THERE? PROLLY LAYING SOME FARTS AND HOOTIN' AND HOLLERIN' 'BOUT IT LIKE SOME DUMB KIDS. RECKON I BETTER GO FIND OUT. CONFARNIT ONE OF THEM'S GOT M'HAT. YEP THEY FARTED IN IT. I'LL BE A MONKEY'S UNCLE.