February 06, 2013

Super Star Crotch Powder

Benny Santiago, 1989 O-Pee-Chee mini

O-Pee-Chee was a Canadian card company -- already hilarious -- that specialized in candy, hockey cards, and then ventured into other sports. It seems, through my extensive research in which I skimmed words on Wikipedia, that they were maybe owned by/affiliated with Topps? Also, maybe not? I'm not sure, but if I had to guess I would say they were owned by Topps because Topps owns everything. You and I are owned by Topps. Sorry.

Anyhoo, O-Pee-Chee was sort of an outside-the-box entity. Everything you thought you knew about sports cards would be shattered into a cloud of dust when you saw an O-Pee-Chee card. For example, did you ever think you wanted a MINI Benito Santiago card in which he is sort of scratching his crotch? Me neither, but then I saw it.

I want to reiterate that this is a MINI card. It fits easily into the palm of your hand for optimal viewing!

Another thing is: did you know Benny Santiago is a SUPER STAR?

Super Star. Benito Santiago. What kid growing up DIDN'T have a huge Benito Santiago poster in his/her bedroom, with dreams of playing catcher in the manner that Benito Santiago played catcher, which is to say crouching down while also hitting .236. (While looking up Benito Santiago's statistics, which for some reason I didn't know off the top of my head, I discovered he was arrested last February in Florida for smoking weed in his car. Also he was a prominent figure in the Mitchell Report. Not judging, just feel like I should mention it since I am a very important reporter of facts.) In fact, Benito Santiago remains a SUPER STAR to this very day. I just went online to purchase a Benito Santiago fathead for our living room and they were sold out/are not manufactured.

This card reminds me of one of those Japanese commercials that features borderline American stars endorsing weird things. In this version, Benny Santiago is very happy with the SUPER STAR brand of crotch powder he uses. Well, maybe not that happy, but pretty happy.

It's cool that Benito Santiago's 1988 hitting stats are listed on the front here, but maybe we can get a better feel for how superstarry Benny is if we examine the stats on the back.

Oh. Here are two baseball players. Neither of them appears to be Benito Santiago, but this certainly maintains the theme of "baseball" this card was aiming for. Hey, do either of you guys know where I can find some Benito Santiago stats?

: ...

: B*tch please, what do I look like, the Internet?

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