July 25, 2012

'Big Head' Myers: Cartoonishly Strong Prankster

Randy Myers, 1991 Score All-Star

Who doesn’t like a big-head cartoon card? Nothing says “I take my baseball card-collecting seriously” like possessing a card with a cartoon picture of a grown man with an abnormally large dome piece.

To the back!

Randy is one of the most feared stoppers in baseball.

"A fact we here at Score attempted to personify by drawing him as a cartoon with a giant head. Our caricaturist originally had him riding a skateboard while juggling baseballs, but we figured, no -- that's not scary enough."

Extremely strong from a daily weightlifting regimen,

So Randy Myers totally lifts weights like, everyday. He's pretty much stronger than your dad ... by a lot. He could bench press your dad. He is extremely strong. From the lifting. He'll do some tris, some bis, some chest. Then he'll work in some back, some legs, some glutes, some shoulder presses. Calf presses, neck curls. Abs galore, obvs. Oh, what about the elliptical? Pfft. "That's all yours, Jane Fonda," is what he says to your dad after bench pressing him. Randy's fine with the free weights, okay? Does about a two-hour intense workout, followed by a 45-minute light workout -- the light workout is intense, Navy Seal-type stuff -- followed by a gallon of milk mixed with phosphogen and then some pasta, and then a bullpen session, then a quick half-hour workout. That's on a light day. No, that's on an off-day. Light day is every third Wednesday, a.k.a. "Extreme Wednesday." There are no light days. Full days are extreme to the max. Four-hour pre-breakfast workout, then 30 raw eggs, 10-minute nap, then a mountain-climb with two 45-lb plates attached to his testicles, then lunch at the top of the mountain -- lunch is a mountain goat he has to kill with his bare hands, standard -- then a thousand curls. Then it's gametime! Is he gonna pitch? Hopefully, but no sense in waiting. Instead try weighting ... bullpen dips, tri extensions, bench press, military press, etc. Phone rings. Bring in the main Nasty Boy. Hold up, he's almost got a decent burn going. Nine hundred ninety-nine, aaaaaaaaaaand ... done. Wait - carb load. Now he's ready. Takes the ball. Basically uses his weight regimen strength to throw the ball as hard as he can every time. Deal with it.

he simply winds up and throws his 93-mph as hard as he can to every batter.

Pitching coach: Okay so Randy, here's the gameplan. I want you to basically wind up and throw as hard as you can every time.

Randy Myers: No shit, Sherlock. What do you think I do all this weight-lifting for, to throw changeups? Pfft.

Pitching coach: Yeah whatever, just make sure you and catch are on the same page. Catch is short for catcher.

Randy Myers: I want to bench press you so bad right now. Catch, what's your page say?

Catcher: Pulls paper out of jockstrap, reads it. Page says, "heat." What's yours say?

Randy Myers: Oh, let me check. Pretends to look at a piece of paper. Mine says "heat," too. Stares at pitching coach. Now get off my mound, m'kay?

Randy is oblivious to pressure while pitching.

"What's it's like to deal with pressure?" a reporter once asked Randy Myers. Myers finished his set, restacked the weights properly, then responded, "Speak English, brah. No lo comprende, seniorita. Now spot me ... jk, you're weak."

Off the mound, he is prone to pranks and is a very outgoing guy.

I'm pretty sure "prone to pranks" means that Randy Myers is often the helpless victim of pranks, although I don't think that's what Score is trying to say here. Randy Myers IS the pranksta, this we know. Of course, that's not to say he's never played the victim. In fact, one time Norm Charlton gave Myers the ol' hot foot while Myers was trying to leg-press 650 pounds, and the whole leg press machine caught on fire, but Myers kept going because he wasn't finished his set yet. It was pretty extreme.


Bill said...

I have to wonder if one of these pranks he was prone to, ended with Randy getting gigantism, as depicted by Score in the card. Second-worst case in baseball I've ever seen.


mkenny59 said...

Nice, Bill. Very nice ...