March 10, 2012

Topps 2012: The Sex Panther of Baseball Cards

I just bought my first packs of the year—scratch that. I just bought my first packs of any year since 2008. And though I only did it to get back in a pack-buying mood as we inch closer to the Heritage drop date, I'm left with one question: Do all new cards smell this bad? Or did a masked, anonymous rival sneak into the Topps plant in the middle of the night and douse the drying sheets of this year's cards with Sex Panther? Because I will tell you something, my friend: These cards reek.

I'm not saying they're ugly—in terms of attractiveness they're in the middle of the pack. I'm saying they smell so bad that I'm going to have to keep them in a hermetically sealed container... or at least a Ziploc bag. Right now the cards are in a pile next to the computer, and I'm starting to feel a little woozy just sitting here as I type this post.

Actually, you know what I thought of when I opened these packs? First, I thought of that cheap incense college kids buy when they're trying to overpower the smell of marijuana. Then I thought of Susan dying on Seinfeld from licking too many cut-rate, toxic envelopes, and how that will be me if I keep opening these packs.

[Dons surgical mask]

Now on to the cards themselves. The design is just okay, nothing special. In fact, because of the overwhelming use of white in the design, the photos barely register. The back is boring, and the team name is not entirely legible, with matte silver text over a futuristic two-tone gradient. Also, the statistician made a huge blooper when they chose to use a "W" twice in the stat line for pitchers—once for Wins, and once for Walks. What, "BB" was too staid, too old fashioned for walks?

And as for inserts, besides the nice '87 mini throwbacks, I'm sensing a theme centered around the word gold. We got the Golden Giveaway, Gold Standards, Gold Futures, Golden Greats, Golden Moments... and what are these Timeless Talents and Classic Walk-Offs? I think we should rename them Golden Talents and Golden Gold-Golds.

Finally, no autographs in my seven packs, but let me just say this: no set centered around the word "gold" is complete without a quad signature card of Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty, Rue McClanahan, and Betty White. Part of me really wants to see a YouTube clip of an insanely happy guy in his mid-forties busting a box of Topps 2012 and finding this card before passing out from the noxious stink.

And the other part of me just wants to watch Anchorman.


topher (Crackin Wax/Varsity Trading Cards) said...

Ahh, I see you've joined the movement to include naughty language in your post titles to attract more viewers! lol

Cory said...

I don't remember if it was 2002 Fleer Greats of the Game or 2001 but the cards smelt like metal and left a residue on your hands. The set made me sick and I gave it away because the smell seemed toxic.