November 09, 2011

Talk Sports. Sell Fish. Work Hard.

Dennis Lamp, 1989 Donruss

My name is Dennis Lamp. I used to play baseball for the Boston Red Sox. They filmed “Where the Wild Things Are” on my upper lip. It was a 17-week shoot. I didn’t charge ‘em nothing.

My name is Dennis Lamp. I talk sports. I sell fish. I work hard. Don’t believe me? Check it out. Yeah, I work at a fish counter these days, and I’m loving every minute of it. Ain’t trying to be some ex-ballplayer clinging to what wasn’t and showin’ his face at every autograph show this side of the Susquehanna. Get a real job, exie. I’m a working man. Ain’t in it for the glory. Try this one on for size:

Though Dennis Lamp fields the occasional autograph request, most shoppers seem to have no idea that the burly, outgoing man handling their halibut once came within three outs of pitching a no-hitter against the Milwaukee Brewers.

All true. ‘Cept for the burly part. Don’t know what that’s about—been staying in fine shape these days (pulls up sleeve, flexes bicep). Nevertheless, how many times you been handed a fresh piece of halibut and thought to yourself, “I wonder if that man—or woman I guess—who handed me this fresh halibut ever came without three outs of pitching a no hitter against the Milwaukee Brewers ... ” I mean, it’s a common fantasy, to wonder something like that. But in my particular case, yeah—it happened. That’s all the fame I need to get by. Now here’s your fish—get outta here and go have a nice meal with your family. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.

My name is Dennis Lamp. I was 1 win short of Luis Arroyo’s 61’ record for most consecutive wins by a reliever in ’84 w/ Blue Jays. A lot of people ask me about that one. Questions like, “What was the record?” and “What?” and “Where is my shrimp?” It was tough though, thinking about it now, coming just short of that completely random record that nobody knows about. Kept me up nights. Then I got into sabermetrics and was like, pfft. Wins on a reliever is like a nipples on a lizard. Does it happen? Sure. But it ain’t nothing to base a career on. I’ll hang my hat on my 1989 178 ERA+, thank you very much. Math. Learn it.

My name is Dennis Lamp. I was voted most handsome player in the major leagues 1977 – 1980 inclusive. That’s according to Wikipedia. Some people think that isn’t true, because sometimes people think it’s funny to add silly, out-of-place tidbits at the end of Wikipedia entries. Get a life, Wiki-nerds! Anyway, yeah, it happened. Got the trophy in storage—it’s just a 14-karat gold mustache on a stick, and the bottom plate reads, “Most Handsome Big Leaguer, 1977-1980 Inclusive.” It’s an every-three-years award, cumulative. That’s why you don’t go to the ballpark looking like a schlub, ya’ know? No big deal though. Don’t take a lot of pride in it. Just working with what I got.

My name is Dennis Lamp. And guess what? I saw “Anchorman,” too. The love you express is disingenuous, and I don’t appreciate it. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Now who’s next?


Batboy said...

That necklace he has on almost looks like it's Mickey Mouse. I just hope he still wears it at Bristol Farms... the burly fishmonger with a mouse in his heart.

mkenny59 said...

I did not even notice the possibility of a Mickey Mouse necklace. Whatever type of mouse or mouse-like thing featured on his neck wear, it just goes to reconfirms he's a regular guy. No blood diamonds, like Canseco probably wore.

Batboy said...

Of course, we could be missing the obvious truth (staring at us straight in the nose as if its a scanned piece of 22-year-old cardboard on a site devoted to dissecting said cardboard):
That necklace - the very one that looks like a depiction of Mickey Mouse - is the actual award Lamp received for being voted the most handsome player in the major leagues 1977-1980 inclusive.
Because I'd be damned sure to wear that outside my uni if I won it.