November 22, 2011
Mullet: Hero of Cucamonga
George Brett, 1987 Kraft Dinners
Today we continue our sporadic series of “Cards I cut out of boxed food products.”
Kraft Dinners presents …. Home Plate Heroes! So get this—on one hand, “Home Plate Heroes” works because we’re talking baseball, a sport in which one of the bases is home plate and, because the game is our National Pastime, a sport in which those who excel are considered heroes. But, on the other hand, “Home Plate Heroes” also works because Kraft Dinners can conceivably be served on a plate … at home … BY YOUR HERO, who in this case would be your mother (not pictured) for showing great bravery in serving you a boxed Kraft dinner product that contains processed cheese produced in a factory outside of Cleveland and which is 97-percent magnesium chloferate ensol byproduct, or, as translated by Kraft for the layperson, “Real, natural cheese!”
Home Plate Hero George Brett (pictured) is seen here heroically looking off into the distance while trying not to chew the tobacco in his mouth for the purposes of maintaining his hero status. As you can see, he plays for the blue team, described below the photo as the “Kansas City Royals,” whatever that means. It should henceforth be known that Kraft Dinners maintains no affiliation with Major League Baseball or its subsidiaries and is FDIC insured and the side effects of thinking otherwise include headache and diarrhea, in which case contact your physician and lawyer. Don’t be fooled by the apparent MLB symbol in the upper right-hand corner; that is only the symbol for the Major League Baseball Players Association, who apparently have their own symbol and who own the copyrights to this beauty right here so BACK OFF. Also, George Brett and/or Kraft have never represented Major League Baseball, properly exemplified by the following scenario:
Major League Baseball 1987 Gala of Heroes, Sponsored by Kraft
Guy dressed in Kraft costume that is a giant noodle dripping cheese: How ‘bout that George Brett, huh? Heckuva player …
Major League Baseball Players Association Executive Director Donald Fehr: Indeed. Heckuva guy, too. Loves cheese. A true home plate hero.
Guy dressed in Kraft costume that is a giant noodle dripping cheese: (stiffly turns to his left) How ‘bout that George Brett, huh? Heckuva player …
Major League Baseball Commissioner Peter Ueberroth: Never heard of him.
If you would like to know more about George Brett, for example, “What are some of his 1986 statistics?” and, “Screw it, just give me his major league totals already!” please reference the data below his handsomely stubbled glam shot. For more personal information, let’s check the back of the card …
Ha, ha! For reals? I never knew that!
According to Wikipedia, George Brett’s nickname is/was “Mullet,” which I have never, ever heard him referred to as in my life, but then again, whatever. I don’t believe his mullet even approached the magnificence of some others from that era, so I don’t know where that nickname comes from, and Wiki surprisingly offers no explanation. These days, George Brett is the perpetually tan co-owner of the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes, a team that, like their owner, wears hats. I trust all of this information has been helpful.