May 18, 2011
The Photo Shoot
Dave Stewart, 1987 Donruss
Cameraman: Yes, ummm, ahem … Mr. Stewart?
Dave Stewart halts his slow stroll into the outfield for warm-ups. He hangs his head low, then raises it in frustration, putting his hands on his hips. He turns around, ominously …
Cameraman: Hello, Mr. Stewart! Donald Clinkfield, Donruss Company. (Mr. Clinkfield extends hand; Dave Stewart does not oblige.) I’m here to take your picture for our upcoming set of 1987 Donruss baseball cards … the best in the industry, Mr. Stewart! Don’t let anybody tell ya’ differently, especially those nillybillies from Topps!
Clinkfield: It’s gonna have a black border, with like, a yellow-bordered banner running through it with tiny little baseballs on it. My buddy at the ‘Russ—that’s what we fellas who work there call it: the ‘Russ—created the concept. Harry Plenkberg. Real creative guy, Mr. Stewart. You’re gonna love it, I swear.
Clinkfield: Okaaaay, so if I could just get ya’ to move on over to the dugout over there, Mr. Stewart, I got a great idea for a shot that came to me in a weird, strangely sexual dream last night—
Stewart: I will stand here.
Clinkfield: Or—OR—you could just stand right there. Actually, ya’ know what? That’s even better. Right there is perfect. (Clinkfield fumbles through his camera bag in a quick attempt to set up his tripod. Dave Stewart checks his watch, which he is not wearing.)
Clinkfield: Okay, Mr. Stewart, we’re all set up, ready to go! Ready for your close-up? Ha, ha! I’m sorry—I couldn’t resist. Big Gloria Swanson fan right here. BIG fan. Do you like Gloria Swanson, Mr. Stewart?
Stewart: Who the %&^$ is Gloria Swanson?
Clinkfield: She’s a uhhh, actress, but no big deal. No big deal at all. Let’s just, uhhh, take this picture, okay?
Clinkfield: Okay, Mr. Stewart! This one’s for all your fans out there—I know you’ve got a lot of them, this guy included (points to self with both thumbs)—so if you could just give me a little smile there, that’d be great …
Clinkfield: (Removes head from behind the camera.) Okay, okay. Hate to be a bother here, really. But if you could just like, maybe give me a smirk of joy, Mr. Stewart, with this equipment, I can turn it into a smile for every—
Stewart: Take the mo&*&^%$*&^ *&^%$*ing picture.
Clinkfield: Oh, boy, oh man, we got it! We got it, Mr. Stewart! Nailed it. Probably gonna be the best one in the set this year! Just amazing. I gotta say, Mr. Stewart, it was an absolute pleasure to work with you. A sincere pleasure (Clinkfield extends hand) …
Dave Stewart turns around and walks away.