May 04, 2011
Law & Order: Special Wieners
Vance Law, 1987 Topps
In my baseball card-collecting heyday, it seemed like every pack I opened contained several Vance Law cards. If there were, say, 15 cards in the pack, I would get eight Vance Laws, a checklist, two Spike Owens, and, if I was lucky, a card or two that were binder-worthy. If someone were to audit my entire childhood, it would be discovered that I unwittingly spent $3,000 on Vance Law baseball cards. This eventually, as you could understand, caused me to have great animosity towards Vance Law. But that is also because when I was 10, Vance Law killed my favorite goldfish. Long story. Not important.
Now that I am older and wiser and am immersed in the process of re-approaching the athletes of my youth in an informative and productive manner, I would like to learn more about Vance Law, person. One thing I have always, for my entire life, wondered about Vance Law was this: Could Vance Law procreate?
Vance and his wife are parents of 2 children.
Awesome! I love baseball. You never know when a guy is going to get a hit, or have kids. In my fantasy league, if your guy has a kid during the season you get 200 points! It’s not a points-based league, so that means nothing, but still.
The second main thing I have always wondered about Vance Law was this: Did he, by chance, ever have a hot dog named after him?
During the 1980s,
Ha! The 80s. Am I right?
a variation of the Chicago-style hot dog called the Vance Law Dog was sold at Wrigley Field.
I don’t know what a person has to do to have a hot dog named after him—believe me, I have tried everything, including becoming a vegetarian—but whatever Vance Law was doing, he was doing it right.
It featured a traditional Chicago-style hot dog topped with cole slaw and ketchup.
There’s not always, with every baseball player, a condiment / side dish that captures the essence of the way that man plays baseball. But Vance Law? Pure coleslaw out there. Anybody will tell you that.
Some fans incorrectly referred to the dog as ‘The Vance Slaw Dog’ because of the inclusion of the cole slaw.
Cubs fan, 1989: This “Vance Slaw Dog” is delicious!
Future Wikipedia-entry writer: Incorrect, Bill! Take it back! It’s the Vance Law Dog. Law, not slaw.
Bill: Dude, relax. There’s coleslaw in it. Why can’t the name of this hot dog evolve over time to be made even better?
Future Wikipedia-entry writer: Because that’s not the name of the hot dog. What if I called you “Billslaw” instead of “Bill” because it made my life easier? You’d be pissed, right?
Bill: I mean, I’d think it’s weird, because: why? But I wouldn’t be pissed.
Future Wikipedia-entry writer: YOU’D BE PISSED!
Bill: Honestly? I don’t know why I come to games with you.
Finally, the third main thing I have always wondered about Vance Law is this: On June 27, 1984, did Dusty Baker steal 2nd base, 3rd base, and home plate in one inning for the Giants, and if so, what was his 1984 Topps card number?
June 27, 1984: Dusty Baker stole 2nd base, 3rd base and home plate in inning for the Giants. Dusty’s 1984 Topps card was #40.
Wow! Turns out Vance Law isn’t such a bad guy after all. It should also be mentioned that the Dusty Dog is a traditional San Francisco-style hot dog topped with relish and thousand island dressing, sprinkled with dust, obviously. It won't clog the bases, but it sure as heck will clog your arteries.