December 15, 2010

Scott Ruskin Of All Trades

Scott Ruskin, 1991 Score

I like Scott Ruskin. And I like a card that tells me what I should think.

Wouldn’t you think that a first baseman-outfielder who hit .355, .297., 301 and .292 in his first three minor league seasons would deserve a shot at the major leagues?

Well, the first thing I would think is: Four averages in three seasons is reason alone to become a major leaguer, especially if you’re a first baseman-outfielder. Then I would think: You don’t need a decimal point before and after an average. Then I would think: Not really. I mean, those averages are pretty good, I guess, but they are just averages and I have never seen this hypothetical person play and thus do not feel comfortable saying that he deserves a shot that approximately .000001 percent of the population deserves.

Well, you’re right

Really? Cool!

and Scott was on the Opening Day ’90 roster of the Pirates –

Oh, okay. That is a rather long-winded means of informing me that the Major League Baseball card I am holding features a Major League Baseball player.

as a pitcher!

The hat that I was wearing just blew off my head and my bulging eyes just fell out of my face. Besides the fact that Scott Ruskin is pitching on the front of this card, I couldn't have been more caught off guard.

How could that be, you ask?

I didn’t ask that. But: Because he pitches, too? I realize that sounds unfathomably insane, but I had to guess something.

Deciding that his best course was from the pitchers mound, he switched in ’89, developed a tremendous curveball and by season’s end was voted the Carolina League pitcher with the best breaking pitch.

Said Scott Ruskin, “Despite what my okay batting averages might suggest, I kind of suck at hitting relative to my peers in this profession. I am going to be a pitcher instead, and develop a freakin’ awesome curveball that will be declared the best breaking pitch of the Carolina League, which isn’t even an award but will become an award because that’s how awesome my curveball is going to be. Eventually, this will attain me a brief career in the bullpens of several major league franchises, which sarcastic bloggers can poke fun at all they want, but which will earn me hundreds of thousands of dollars. After that’s over, I will return to school and get my degree in computer and information science, at which point I will invent software that enables companies to blah, blah, blah—why I’m an even bothering? Whatever I do will be awesome. Enjoy writing about your never-ending supply of Score baseball cards and the zero dollars it earns you.”

Hey man, I don’t do it for the money! I do it for the … comments? I don’t like Scott Ruskin anymore.


Anonymous said...

I do it for the … comments?

Well then this ones for you!

mkenny59 said...

Thank you! It's worth it!