November 10, 2010

Rookies in America: The Matt Lawton Story

Matt Lawton, 1995 Upper Deck "Rookie Class"

Here in America, we take pride in our rookie class. Sure, we razz them a bit, and tease them, and do things like stick them with a $6,300 dinner bill when we go out with the team -- which the American public loves, because here in America, being able to carelessly spend exorbitant amounts of money on steak is the ultimate dream -- but in doing these things we recognize that the children are our future.

Take noted American Matt Lawton, for example, seen here crouching down and preparing to execute a base hit for the hometown ballclub. Note how his shadow appears against the flag, indicating that this is not some clever baseball card gimmick, but that he actually does do his job against the backdrop of our nation’s flag, because he loves his country. Also note how his signature is not unlike those contained on the Declaration of Independence. I hold these truths to be self-evident—that baseball is awesome and I am fast and I going to steal second base. Democracy! Signed, Matti Lar tin. (Latin for “Matthew Lawton.” We have Latin roots, remember.)

Besides baseball and Matthew Lawton, another great American invention is Wikipedia. Not that “length of Wikipedia entry” should be the defining aspect of a person’s relevance -- there are other mediums to determine this, I suppose -- but I do find it appropriate that Lawton’s own Wikipedia page is lengthier and more detailed than that of other, lesser Americans, like for example, George Peabody.

For within the annals of his Wiki page, we discover crucial information about the life and times of Matt Lawton. Information such as:

In that game, Lawton struck out in one at-bat.


On May 20, Lawton returned to Salt Lake City after attending the funeral of his aunt.


On June 14, while the Twins were playing the Houston Astros at the Astrodome, Lawton left 38 tickets for his family, who were from Gulfport, Mississippi.

I’ve heard of leaving 37 tickets, but 38? True American family man. Also:

Amongst fielders, he was second in fielding percentage (.995) as a right fielder.

My brain just fell out of my head. One question though -- what about fielders? Also:

It was noted in spring training in 2001 that Lawton had gained 14 pounds (6.4 kg).

I honestly do not know what I would do without this information. Anyway, you get the point. Matt Lawton was awesome, and did a lot of things in and for America. One of those things was test positive for performance-enhancing drugs, but still. The rookie class is gonna makes mistakes, ya’ know? Unlike most of his peers, he had the courage to admit it and not blame it on tainted meat. He apologized from his bleeding American heart, and I fully expect him to run for political office one day soon, on a platform of clever baseball-themed puns: Matt Lawton will go to bat for America!

If you would like even more information on Matt Lawton, please refer to the 86 sources Wikipedia used in order to draft their biography.

Did you know?
Yes, I settled on George Peabody after an exhaustive search to find an American with a shorter Wiki page than Lawton. It was worth it.

1 comment:

mmmrhubarb said...

Interestingly, Gleeman focused on Matt today in his Top 40 Twins reboot: